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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family interfering over me having another dc...

25 replies

KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 10:56

There is a small age gap, dd will be 20 months when this one is born. My family are abulous and I love them dearly, however they not the most maternal bunch (though good, loving people)

I am very hurt lately by a particular comment stating : " it is hard for everyone else too you know, you having another .."

I was flabbergasted but let it go. My daughter has never spent a night away from me, I occasionally work and someone will have her a couple of hours if so (though I was let down frequently by my own family and in laws)

Over all i do get help , but not a lot and its only since being pregnant i have accepted the offers more.

I just feel like I cant win; if I let them have dd they moan, if I dont they moan.

Me and dh argue at times - so my mum said this worries her sometimes , but overall we get on fine. Tbh we get in far better than most I know with stressful jobs and a baby!

I just feel my family are not very encouraging about kids as they all had it hard with their own (hich I do sympathise with)

AIBU to be hurt? Or is this what families do?

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 10:57

I should add we do not get any financial help off any of them either ...

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/06/2014 10:57

Gosh what a horrible sentence "its hard for others too" - you need them to tell you why. How dare they.

OHforDUCKScake · 09/06/2014 10:59

How often do they look after her?

thebodylovesspring · 09/06/2014 11:00

Fuck em.

We had 2 dss 16 months apart then after 8 years 2 dds 16 months apart. So what! We had them, looked after them and asked no one wake for their imput help or opinion.

Think people just have to comment really on most things just got the sake of it.

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:01

Once a week for a couple of hours - if that. Thy will come around and help out if here, but not massively- just by playing with dd while I do the dishes iyswim?

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CoffeeTea103 · 09/06/2014 11:02

Yanbu, why would it be much harder for them than you? Unless you are sharing a lot of your difficulties with them, then I don't see why they feel that way. It's quite hurtful to hear that comment.

HecatePropylaea · 09/06/2014 11:02

I'd be saying well, if you feel like that, I am happy to make it very easy for you indeed. You don't HAVE to spend any time at all with my children if it's so hard on you.

But mainly I'd be telling them that they don't get a vote in my reproductive choices, but thanks for making it very clear that I am on my own, I will certainly ensure that that is the case.

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:02

I mean is that helpin out? Hey come to see dd and play with her and I take advantage sometimes and put a wash on .. Its more a visit! They are a fab bunch, but quite negative about this

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DoJo · 09/06/2014 11:04

In what way do they find it hard? If it is genuine concern about you and your family, then perhaps it is kindly meant and they are just expressing their concerns more bluntly than you would feel is appropriate.

Why is your mum worried about you and your husband arguing? Do you do it in front of her? Because I can understand how that might be hard for her to deal with.

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:05

My dm visits and stays over and she helps when she stays by getting up with dd somedays and this is absolutely wonderul, but we have already discussed that when she moves here she wont need to stay here and obviously I would never put on her as I like to hve dd to myself to be honest!

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diddl · 09/06/2014 11:06

So they don't actually have her, but keep half an eye out whilst you doa job?

Tell them you're too busy to see them!

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:06

Dojo- no we bicker infront of her occasionally ! But tbh she is not here much as she lives away... I have explained we are happy and fine.

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OHforDUCKScake · 09/06/2014 11:07

Im not sure. Hmm

I mean, either way it wasnt a nice thing to say. So YANBU to feel unhappy about the comment.

But the comment does make it appear that they feel put upon. Perhaps they feel obliged to come round and look after her while you do the household chores?

If its a visit, surely you would be sitting there with them and having a cup of tea?

OHforDUCKScake · 09/06/2014 11:08

That was supposed to be Confused not Hmm sorry.

diddl · 09/06/2014 11:08

So who actually said that you having another was hard on them?

Is there a family member who can't have kids or are you a baby bore??

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:09

Oh I said occasionally I will put a wash on if they're here for a few hours! The do not feel required to visit- I actuall had a massive row when dd was first born and asked fam to back off as it was too much having people here all the tjme

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Lanabelle · 09/06/2014 11:10

What rubbish, its really none of their business since you don't actually rely on them, and as for you and your DH arguing - everyone argues. Me and my DH have been together 14 years, since I was 13 and he was 15 and we still argue. People disagree and have to hash it out sometimes. Just ignore them

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:10

Diddl .. An aunt made the comment. It was odd coming from her as she always moans I should let them help more ?

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Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:11

Its all very confusing!

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DoJo · 09/06/2014 11:11

It's hard - one person's 'bickering' is another person's 'passive-aggressive atmosphere'. My parents don't realise how much they bicker, and it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable, but I know they think it's nothing and probably don't even realise they're doing it half the time! Maybe it's worth making an effort not to do it in front of her as she's obviously finding it more worrying that you think it needs to be.

Are there any other reasons why you having another child should impact on anyone else at all, let alone making things hard? It just seems a really odd thing to say, whereas if they had said 'Wow - 2 under 2 is going to be a LOT of work' then it might not exactly be helpful, but at least it would demonstrate an appropriate level of concern about you IYSWIM.

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:14

I feel pretty rotten discussing this now :/ they are such lovely people - just annoyed me this way. I mean when I visit my aunt she will play with dd while I hve a cuppa and stuff- its a break visiting her - maybe she thinks this is rude of me? I don't visit her much though a she tells me to chill whilst she and her dd play with dd. I dunno ....

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Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:15

I think they're just worried I will not cope - even though I have with dd, as they all struggled...

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Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:16

Its genuine concern , but they could be more positive I guess.

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diddl · 09/06/2014 11:22

My sister & I are 4yrs apart.

Husband an only one.

I have two 22 months apart.

Both mums were Shock, how will you cope with two so close.

Well I did.

Easily.

Just because it seems hard to others who haven't done it, doesn't mean that it is.

If your mum is happy to do stuff when she stays then that's her decision.

Maybe she has moaned to your Aunt or maybe your Aunt thinks that you take the piss & that's her opinion/problem.

You could find your mum a help or a hindrance with a toddler & a newborn.

My mum wanted to mive in for a couple of weeks & although we were close, I thought that that would have been more trouble than it was worth tbh.

That said, I had an easy birth & a compliant toddler!

Original poster
KeepOnPloddingOn · 09/06/2014 11:25

Diddl- my mum is wonderful but I do not want anyone staying with me after this birth! It was all too much the last time. I love them and I am so so lucky i hav the choice of help- even if I dont use it much!

Ultimately , I love them and I will have to speak to them again about this.

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