to reduce/stop contact for dd with abusive ex p

[pod3030]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/2098455-toddler-distress-after-seeing-ex-p?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/a2084099-abusive-ex-wants-more-child-access-assaulted-me-on-last-contact-day-in-front-of-dd

right. i have worked hard to get one day a week contact for dd with her dad. he was emotionally abusive to me, narcissistic gas lighting and recently physically abusive when picking up dd(police called, she saw it all). he is extremely controlling and i have no doubt he has a serious personality disorder. (sociopathic).

dd 2.8 -she comes home so distressed and it's been getting worse. I recently potty trained her and she was so proud of herself. When she got back from ex, she was screaming and rolling around, holding it in until she wee'd on the floor. I put her back in pull ups and took the pressure off. i feel sick that i made such a terrible mistake in enabling contact, as he wasn't interested initially.

i am in the process of buying a house, in the same town. but now i feel like for the sake of dd i should move away and lose contact.

i am frozen with indecision and stress. be gentle.

just to add, initially i thought i was doing the right thing fighting for dd to have a relationship with her dad, now my instincts scream the opposite. Damn damn damn. :(

Do you have a court ordered arrangement for contact? Do you think he'd take you to court for access?

If the answer to these is no I think you should take the opportunity to move a long way away from this man.

However if you think he would chase access then beware because you don't want a court ordering overnight access due to distances involved.

When she got back from ex, she was screaming and rolling around, holding it in until she wee'd on the floor.

Honestly, I would check for sexual abuse. That right there could be a sign if she's afraid to pull down her pants or go to the bathroom now.

Do you have a court order? If not I'd cut contact and if he takes you to court fight for supervised contact only based on that.

But right now, get her to a doctor or psychologist to check for signs of abuse.

thankyou,

i think he would take me to court yes. but if he didn't know where i lived, the court papers couldn't be delivered?

there is no court ordered arrangement, he decided when dd was 10 months old that he wanted his old, free life back, left us in the middle of a holiday in oz and i had to fly home on my own with a baby, he carried on with the holiday having a lovely time, making it clear he didn't want us in the house when he got back,.

three months and he finally contacted us,he was angry i'd rented nearby. I still had hopes that we could be amicable, so this recent thought of mine isn't revenge motivated. I tried to get him to do bath and bed, swimming once a week, but he was bored, he needs excitement. And he hates being told what to do.

I don't think sexual abuse is an issue, i think what is happening is he won't give her a moment's peace, directing her day like a military operation, going on and on about the potty so she's hyper sensitive. He needs to be in charge. it was like that for me when i lived with him. It's an awful feeling and i want to protect her from it.
she comes back very reactive and now her eye contact has deteriorated. This is a bright, clever little girl. i feel powerless as he can seem so convincing.

up to now he's been away a lot with work and travelling, but recently he's been here all the time. I sense he's had legal advice to say 'you must appear consistent, clock up the hours' i think he intends to get overnights. I can't let it happen.

Does he have PR (is he named on birth certificate) if he isn't name change and move well away don't tell him.

Otherwise he could get a seek and find order

Hi - your observation about eye contact would also worry me. You need some help I think. Go to your gp and discuss your concerns and what you've seen. And get legal advice asap. Stop the 'he's been here all the time' business and limit it so that there can't be precedent set.

Yes he has PR.

Right, i'll go to gp. She perks up a few days later, i do lots of feelings talk, but she doesn't smile as much. It is a little to do with developmental stages too i expect, tantrums and wanting more autonomy.

Next step legal advice. Gah. He has all the money. I gave up work when i had her. I have saved a bit. This is definitely the emergency it was intended for.

When i say perks up, she relaxes a bit once i've worked hard to reassure her that i love her no matter what, and she realises she is free to make some of her own choices etc.

HV coming midweek to have a chat

Considering what has happened to another Mumsnetter in a similar situation, before any court order, move Country ASAP. Because the courts can enforce contact, despite emotional abuse to the child, as it's very hard to prove, so dd would still have to see him, and sexual abuse because there are so many grey areas. You have to have absolute definite proof before tge courts will do anything.

Scary Aero. God, it is so hard. Not least because i am still suffering the effects of some of his brainwashing. Things i just take for granted i'll suddenly realise- hang on, that is so not right.
Like i picked up dd the other day and he made me come in as he had money for me (cue grandiose opening of the thousands of pounds thick wallet and peeling off a couple of notes) I was bending down listening to dd and he sharply hurrumphed and clicked, as he is the one in the room that any attention should be directed at, and he was doing a most important thing. Belittling me with his wadge of cash. And i automatically stood to attention, ignored poor dd as i had had to when we lived there, and indulge him.
Except when i got home, i realised what i did, and that i didn't have to. Pavlovian dog, that's me. Dribble. Grrrr.

I am going on the freedom programme soon hopefully. x

Oh pod, I am glad your free of him now. Seriously, I would move if you can and don't tell him. The Mumsnetter was called babynamechange and she had a very abusive ex, who was violent and sexually assaulted her. Court ordered contact between baby ds and his father. Ex has been emotionally abusing her ds, and used to abuse ds sexually, but courts don't take it seriously as it's hard to prove and ds is too scared to go to the police. As a result courts are forcing ds against his wishes to see his father. If baby prevents contact, residency could be reversed to ex. It is scarey.

What's tge freedom programme btw. You sound really strong and brave

thankyou,i don't feel it. the freedom programme is a group that helps people in or leaving abusive relationships 'reset' themselves. so you spot the red flags in future, as you've been brainwashed into a way of thinking that would attract similar abusive partners. x

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thanks pod, I really hope that your dd does not have to have any contact with her horrid father.

My DS was conceived through long term sexual and emotional abuse, he didn't even have PR when he applied to the court but in trying to prove the under age sex and rape case I had to confirm DS was his, I have only just, after 7 years, won my case to stop contact because DS was coming home in similar states to you describe with your DD, DS' school, cub leaders, football coach and counselor all wrote to the court saying they thought contact was not in DS's best interests, abusive ex was eventually offered residency because I kept refusing contact as did DS and we only got our no direct contact order because DS' Dad told the judge he didn't want the responsibility of residency. We still have to put up with letters though and I have to consult DSs Dad on any important issues such as school choices or anything that needs a consent form.

Since DS was able to talk properly he has told of emotional and physical abuse (nothing sexual) but the word of a child means nothing when the new gf is prepared to lie.

Basically I agree with Aero, If you are in a situation where you can move away then I would do that and use a different name as much as possible, even if you can't legally change DDs name. Also get DD a passport, the first thing DS' Dad did after getting PR was to apply for an order preventing me getting DS a passport without his consent.

Oh Xiha i'm so sorry . At least now there is no face to face contact. Thankyou for taking the time to use your experience to advise me. xxx

I have sent this link to baby mabey she might come on and give you some advice

Just sending you as it must be so horrendous for you to have to observe this and feel so powerless.

I would vote to go to a refuge in a different area, disappear for quite some time and would even go to the length of name change by deed poll before considering buying a house!

Do this ASAP before ex goes to court

Its ok pod, DS is safe now and I've broken his fathers hold on me, I just wish I'd done something when I first saw the signs.Knowing about mn then would of helped too. x