Mother in law - strange behaviour?

[HarryandJess]

I have 2 under 2 and have found the past few months really, really hard. My parents live 5 hours away and my Mum has early stage dementia but they would drop anything to come and help. I don't want to take advantage however and for their sake only want them to make the trip a few times a year (Mum is noticeably worse when away from the familiar surroundings of her own home).

My in-laws live 30 minutes away (door to door) and rarely (never actually) offer to help (we always have to ask and again, don't want to be seen to be taking advantage so rarely do) but, and here's the bit that gets to me, my Mother in law makes a big point of always mentioning that she helps out at the local toddler group.

On the odd occasion that I have asked if she would like to do something with me and the kids, she has used this as a reason as to why she is a bit too busy.

AIBU to expect a Grandparent (particularly MIL) to want to spend time helping with their own grandchildren instead of other people's. I grew up away from any family and as a result knew that they would jump at any opportunity to help/ see their grandchildren. I just find her behaviour really, really strange but want to know if it is just me?

No it isn't you. Some people find it much easier to cope with children when they are in charge of the situation (eg toddler group) than when they are worried that they are going to do or say something that will upset their DIL.

With me it's the other way round. My DPS have never had any of my kids overnight or took them for a day out. They watched them once overnight in an emergency and they had to because ex mil was abroad. Ex mil has 3 kids every weekend Overnight So I can work and they live 5 mins away from each other. If I need help I ring her and she ways helps me. I don't bother ringing my dps. Reading stuff like this makes me junk my ex sil probably feels put out as her DM has my kids far more than hers

Maybe she doesn't want to be seen as interfering and overbearing?

MILs are constantly being criticised on here for poking their noses in/expecting constant visits/demanding to take GC overnight etc.

Salmo that is obviously not relevant here as the OP says MIL won't help when asked.

Yes OP it is strange.

Maybe she enjoys the company of the other volunteers so it's a social rather than altruistic motive that keeps her as a volunteer?

no i dont see it as strange behavior. it is probably for her a mix of a job and social event, probably with other volunteers her age. she might do kitchen duties for example
maybe she doesnt want to hang out with her dil?
maybe she doesnt want the responsibility of toddlers?
who knows
but i wouldnt call it strange
it is a committment. what about othrr days/times?

I don't think it's odd. Volunteering at a local toddler group where there will be other adults is a different matter from being in sole charge of 2 under 2s involving an hour's travel there and back.

To be honest I think you're unreasonable expecting a grandparent automatically to be roped in to help out. I think it's entirely up to the grandparents how much help they give- none at all being a valid choice.

Thanks for the responses everyone. Always good to get perspectives and views from different people

I don't think it's strange behaviour - the dynamics of the two situations are completely different and not really worth comparing if it makes you feel bad. What does your husband feel about this - does he think they are strange?

YABU. 2 under 2s is hard work. You made that choice, she didn't. It's fantastic when grandparents help out and most do, but they've done their stint of childrearing and it shouldn't be expected.

Some people only like to 'help' if there's an audience, or if they can tell everyone how wonderful they are for 'helping'

Don't let it get to you.

Hissy out of the comments on here yours is far and away the least helpful to OP.

The posts by kentishgirl and DoJo are far more plausible.

Thank you again everyone for your input. Without knowing the individuals involved no one here can be certain of what the reasons are but I think everyone has put forward valid and plausible points.

I have used everyone's input to reflect on the situation.

Cheers

Phaedra, what?

The MIL in this instance is all signed up to help strangers, in a public setting. Her own GC aren't having much attention from her, for whatever reason.

My own DM only helps to brag about it to make herself look good. She volunteered once, but as they didn't bow and scrape in abject gratitude, she never went back.

Phaedra, I can't see how your comment is any more valid than mine.

I was at least pointing out that this was no reflection on the OP.

It's not.

It's a shame the MIL is more interested in the toddlers of others than her own GC.

But indeed, her choice.

Would it be crazy for you to have a straight talk with your MIL? I mean, be honest and mention that you wish she was more involved and be honest about your feelings on the subject, but be prepared that your MIL may feel very differently and that's okay as well. You might be surprised at what she feels, maybe she would love to be more involved but somehow doesn't feel as though she is welcome, there may be logistical/money issues that she feels stop her from seeing more of her GCs, or she might not feel like being involved with your DCs, which however painful would be worth knowing so you can be better prepared to deal with her in future.

If this was me I'd either give her up as a lost cause or talk directly to her about it, it would bother me to have this issue hanging like this.