to ask for your views/ideas on rules about dc sharing?

[katekong]

I have dss (8), dsd (7), dd (7), ds (4) and dd (2). Dsc mother has always been discouraging on them sharing their belongings (we've been together for over 5 yrs) - when they were younger they'd hit and tantrum over it. Now they just refuse and can be quite mean to my dc, particularly dsd. She expects that her belongings will remain untouched by my dc both when she is here and when she is not, yet she expects to be able to play with anything she fancies that belong to my dc though she often breaks/loses things/doesn't ask first/doesn't put things away etc.

My dd(7) is from my previous marriage and dsd expects to be able to play with all her things when she's at her dad's, so it isn't like dsd has the sole right to be upset that another child could be playing with her things when she isn't there. I don't know how to deal with this. My three tend to share well so there's no 'house rule' regarding it, as such. I'm torn between saying if dsd won't share her things then I'll be telling dd not to share with her either as it's only fair if everyone's sharing. Or else that all toys are to be shared fairly and are of no belonging to any one person in particular, but to the family.

Aibu to ask what you would/do do in this situation?

I would keep it simple and say they all have to share otherwise you're letting her tell you how it's going to be, saying neither of them share their stuff is just asking for more trouble IMO.

Reading your OP did make me wonder whether she was just trying to make a space for herself in at your house, but the expectation she has to be able to use everyone else's stuff says it's maybe not.

Could you compromise and she (and your DD?) pick a few things that are important to them that would be off limits to the other children?

I think you need to have a rule that if she doesn't want to share her toys then fine but she's not allowed to play with your DC's toys either. If she decides later on that she does want to share her toys then she can be allowed to play with your dc's toys again. Or you could say that they can each pick a certain number of toys of their own that are not for sharing and everything else belongs to the family.

The logic behind me saying she doesn't get to share dds things was that dd has loads of things she wants to share so she'll be the one missing out if she chooses not to share. Thing is, she can't just play with her things and be happy she's got them to herself, she'll go over toone or more of the others and keep saying 'look what I've got! This is mine, you haven't got one, you can't touch or share this.' They don't even want her things but get annoyed with her reiterating that she won't share but then expecting to share their things.

I think everyone deserves to have some of their things just for them, especially if others are careless with them.

We are having them for Christmas this year and I'm dreading it tbh. Last time dsc opened all my dds presents because she stopped to play with her first present, before opening their own and telling dd not even to look at them. Dsd had broken three of dds things by the end of the day and didn't let dd touch any of hers. It's ridiculous because they both love the same things so could have loads between them if dsd would share.

I think you need to differentiate between sharing things/things that belong to the family and things that are their personal belongings.

They must ALL share the family things. None of them have to share their special/personal things, although sharing is encourages/praised.

I think it's important that children have some control over their belongings. Forced sharing of everything is not healthy imo. Partly because it makes them powerless and partly because they won't learn to share properly, if they're doing it only because they're being forced to.

They both have jewellery boxes, notebooks and pens and ornament collections which are just theirs. Everything else is small world figures, games, Lego, books etc which are pretty much meant for sharing

With the Christmas thing you really need to blame yourself/your DH. Where were you while she opened all Dd's presents and broke her toys?!

What do you class as a family thing outraged? Dsd got a dolls house for Christmas that she forbids anyonefrom ttouching but she expects to share the similar playsets my dd received.

The problem is if you gift something to someone it's theirs. You can't really give her a Christmas present and say 'but it's for everyone'. Maybe give small individual presents plus one special one and then leave a pile of 'sharing' presents from Santa or something? Or avoid giving sharing stuff for Christmas and get it as a 'summer holiday' present or something like that. Same spend but spread out over the year.

I was changing the baby upstairs, dd said she was happy playing with her first present until I returned. Dp kept asking them to wait for dd to do it herself, apparently, but didn't make them as 'they were just trying to help' Dd wouldn't say anything because she wants to please them/for them to like her but she was really upset later on that day.

It'd be hard to do sharing presents with the ages so spread out though. I don't have a problem with things belonging to people but get fed up hearing 'no that's mine' even if it's something she hasn't looked at in months. It's just selfish.

I dunno what you do about toy storage, but maybe a practical solution could be to give them lidded toy boxes each for their preciouses which get shoved under beds/in wardrobes when the owner isn't there and that everything else is fair game.

The one-upmanship is standard sibling behaviour IMO. Both my girls (7&9) do it to each other. Childish yes, but they are children.

This is highly unfair on your dd and ur disc sounds like a spoilt Madame. Especially at Christmas,bit is up to you and you dp to protect ur dd and punish ur dsc for behaviour like that.

If she starts taunting your child with her toys, you step in and tell her that bad behaviour stops or you will remove the toy.

It's fine to have separate toys if it works both ways. Right now ur dsc is getting pandered too and ur do because of her good nature is suffering.

Is ur dp acting almost as a Disney dad?

Small world figures, Lego, books and games can all be sharing between an 8 year old, two 7 years olds a 4 year old and a 2 year old. It may be geared towards one age more than another, but plenty that can be bought for all of them. Just balance it out so that there is something aimed at everyone.

We just bought a load of happyland stuff (because I saw it in the charity shop). It was bought with 2 year old in mind, but was revealed as 'family' toy and they all play with it sometimes; they're 9, 8, 6 and 2. Lego is another thing everyone plays with, and train set, playhouse, tea set, marble run, cars etc. 2-8 really isn't that big a gap.

"Dp kept asking them to wait for dd to do it herself, apparently, but didn't make them as 'they were just trying to help'"

I mean-there's your problem really, sorry. Think leadership needs to come from your partner on this one. What's your dp's take on it?

"The one-upmanship is standard sibling behaviour IMO. Both my girls (7&9) do it to each other. Childish yes, but they are children."

yy to this. Kids do this. Adults do what they need to do to show the, not to behave like this and normalise nicer behaviour

Again, the dp's role as this child's parent is the crucial one, I feel.

Dsd just doesn't listen to him. She will listen to me, though, so I want to be clear on my stance before we have them next. She was horrible to dd (7) last time shewwas here. Every time dd spoke to her she'd say 'blah blah I don't care, do you have to keep boring me with your rubbish information?' etc and dd was hurt and couldn't understand what she was doing wrong. I told her that if dsd is being horrible then to ignore her meanness and play with someone else and dp looked horrified! Dd and dss play really nicely together but dd craves dsds approval and so will go off with her when she asks but as soon as dsd has her away from other children she'll be horrible and drop her again.

It sounds like sharing is the least if your problems. She needs to be guided towards better behaviour and DP needs to step-up and stop leaving it to you.

Have you had any success doing things with just the two girls to help them bond?