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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to spend time with my mum?

22 replies

lbsjob87 · 07/06/2014 22:47

Me and my mum have always been close. I am the eldest of three and the only daughter.
We live about ten minutes apart, and I see or speak to her and my dad most days.
But certain people around us have a problem with that.
I used to be close to my mum's oldest friend's daughter, we grew up together and did everything as kids, but as we got older she got into the whole drinking 4/5 nights a week thing whereas I was happy to go out maybe once a week, and we eventually found new friends who suited us more.
But we still met for coffee, lunch etc when work permitted. I realised we hadn't spoken for nearly a year despite our mums still seeing each other weekly, so I arranged to meet her to see if there was a problem. She said: "Yeah, you spend too much time with your mum, it's sad."
She sees hers at least 3 times a week, BTW.
I have never, ever cancelled anything to be with my mum, I only see her if I'm free, but as I seem to have very few true friends locally, I see her quite a lot.
Also, my OH works shifts and takes the car, so, for example if she's going shopping, she'll pick me up to go too.
Then today, I had to work for a few hours, my mum had DD cos OH was at work (and by coincidence, the work was at a place opposite my mum).
After I finished, I went round to pick up DD, and my mum offered me a sandwich before we went home.
My SiL turned up unannounced and first thing she said was "What are you doing here? Haven't you got a sofa at home you can sit on?"
She only ever visits when she wants something, despite living round the corner -in this case it was to plead poverty because they spent £5,000 on a kitchen recently but now can't afford to put petrol in their car for work.
She has her mum and sister living locally, I have no-one else like that to turn to.
Plus, AFAIC, it's my choice who I spend time with - I'm incredibly fortunate to have a mum I can spend so much time with and also acutely aware, due to various recent events, that one day, for whatever reason, it won't be possible.
I don't really enjoy staying at home when OH is at work, although I try to do so where I can so DD can play with her toys, make stuff, whatever and obviously we go to the park etc but we are not really within easy non-driving distance of anywhere fun so it requires lifts or long bus rides with changes.
I have a few friends I see sometimes but now I am starting to feel that the reason I don't have more is because I don't need them, which I am now wondering if that is weird or unreasonable.
So is it, or is it everyone else's problem?

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 07/06/2014 22:58

your "friend" is a prize twat imo i am afraid as is your SIL!!!

You have a good relationship with your mum and she is your friend as well as your mum, there is nothing wrong with that at all!

The only person who's opinion of the amount of time you spend with your mum that actually matters is that of your mum. If she is happy then quite frankly f*#k what anyone else thinks!

Writerwannabe83 · 07/06/2014 23:01

I love spending time with my mom. She lives a 30 minute drive away so it isn't easy to see her but we speak on the phone about 4 times a week.

My DH's parents live on the same street as us and he hardly ever goes to see them. I visit them more than he does Grin

I don't really understand it as if my parents lived on the same street then I'd probably visit them every day!

Absolutely nothing wrong with it in my eyes Smile

AgentZigzag · 07/06/2014 23:09

Don't let them make you second guess yourself!

WTF has it got to do with anyone else?

Nothing.

If you and your mum are happy everyone else can mind their own.

YellowYoYoYam · 07/06/2014 23:10

AFAIC, it's my choice who I spend time with

This is all you need to remember. It isn't up to your friend or SIL. As long as you are truly happy with the situation yourself, then that's all that matters.

MagpieMama · 07/06/2014 23:12

I speak to my Mam most days and have seen her 3 times this week. She drives me a bit mad if I spend too much time with her but I miss her if I've not seen her for a week or two. That's my relationship with her and I'd be pretty pissed off if anyone felt the need to comment on it or judge it.

Your "friend" and SIL are most likely projecting their own issues onto you. Ignore them and enjoy the time with your Mam. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

MrsCosmopilite · 07/06/2014 23:13

Sorry to bring a morbid air to the thread but I wish my mum was still around so I could spend time with her.
I'm lucky to get on well with MIL so will often invite her and FIL over/go visit them. My SIL used to live on the same street as them, so I think they're used to random DIL's turning up.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/06/2014 23:15

It's great that you have this close a relationship with your mum. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

PatrickStarisabadbellend · 07/06/2014 23:16

Sorry but your sil is a cheeky bitch. If mine said that to me she would of been removed from my presence.

halohalohalo · 07/06/2014 23:21

In theory, yes it's great you have a close bond with your mum. However, in your thread you say a former friend & SIL think you spend too much time with your mum, you don't like being home without your husband and you don't have many true friends. The stuff about location also hints at isolation.

Could you be using your mum as a safety net? I'm not saying you are - but it is possible your former friend & SIL are speaking out of concern rather than jealousy/bitchiness?

lbsjob87 · 07/06/2014 23:21

Oh, she is anyway, PatrickStar but that's a whole other story for another day;)

OP posts:
Spinaroo · 07/06/2014 23:21

I see or speak to my mum several times a week. She is my best friend. I wouldn't change it for the world.

AgentZigzag · 07/06/2014 23:26

'but that's a whole other story for another day'

Ach, no time like the present eh? Grin

lbsjob87 · 07/06/2014 23:27

I have thought about that, halo but neither of them have done anything to rectify the fact. It was always me who suggested meeting up, and often they are too busy, but both frequently go to the sort of places I would ask them to without me (not together, they aren't friends).
I do have some good friends, but most are from my uni days so scattered all over the place and the rest are I see occasionally but we all have kids, jobs, OHs, lives etc.

OP posts:
Dec2013mummy · 07/06/2014 23:46

My mum pops in after work a couple of nights a week at least and I see her every weekend. I am very vary close to my parents and couldn't change it for the world. I wouldn't care what others say, it's what makes you happy that counts :)

CoffeeTea103 · 07/06/2014 23:52

I think you should tell these people to mind their own business. Your relationship with your mum is not any of their concern. Yanbu.

StoneTheFlamingCrows · 07/06/2014 23:53

I have a close relationship with my mum too - tbh I am still as at home at her house than when I was growing up.

If she has dd I will often stop for something to eat when I pick her up, and we eat there every Sunday.

I lived away at opposite ends of the country so I make the most of it now I'm back. I have a dd now and I hope me and her are as close when she grows up.

Don't listen to anyone.

Jinsei · 07/06/2014 23:57

I see quite a lot of my mum, as my parents moved across the country to be near to us. I love that we have such a close relationship. I can only hope that dd wants to spend at least a little of her time with me when she gets older...

NorksEnormous · 07/06/2014 23:59

I'm still very close to my mum, we live on the same street and see each other most days and I love that she is such a big part of my children's lives.

cerealqueen · 08/06/2014 00:05

Lucky you, lucky your mum, it sounds lovely and precious, YANBU.

Gumblossom · 08/06/2014 00:08

I think it is lovely that you are close to your mum. She is clearly a very good friend to you. Why anyone would have a problem with that is hard to understand, apart from jealousy, obviously.

My mother and I are not close at all, and I really envy your relationship with your mum. However, it doesn't make me want to tell you that your relationship is wrong.

The only concern I would have is how much you will miss her one day, and if you don't have friends nearby, it may be a very lonely time for you when she passes. (I am sorry if that sounded cold or callous, it isn't meant to be).

BrianTheMole · 08/06/2014 00:10

Jeez, whats it got to do with them? I see my mum every day. Tell them to butt out.

wafflyversatile · 08/06/2014 00:22

Your SIL didn't want you there witnessing her sponging off your mum.

Maybe your friend doesn't actually have a good relationship with her mum so feels the need to denigrate yours. Maybe she's just an idiot who doesn't accept that SHOCK! people are different.

I can't imagine speaking to my mum every day, and we live far apart, but I know that others do and that's up to them.

Carry on as you are and ignore their bollocks.

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