To be so upset

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I am so angry.

I've just gone to the understairs cupboard (I am the only person who tidies it) to find it in a complete mess, Hoover balanced on top of the mop bucket, toolbox and other random stuff. Hoover plug kinked and twisted with the weight of the Hoover resting on it.

I went and asked DH - can you please not do that with the Hoover plug, I've asked you before, and it runs the risk of breaking the Hoover and I don't have money to replace it again.

Him "yeah"

I saw red. I was hanging out the washing in silence, and he said "so are you putting DS to bed" I replied "when I've put the washing out and sorted the Hoover since it doesn't look like you will"

"I'm going to"

Anyway I went and sorted the baby and did the washing and was getting more and more upset (tears)

I get that this sounds out of proportion, but I am SICK of having to ask DH to do things 'properly' over and over and over, like he is a fucking child. I actually asked him yesterday if he fucks it up on purpose to get me to stop asking him - he thought I was joking.

I literally think this could be the end of our relationship. I am sick of having to walk round the house finding things he couldn't be arsed to finish properly. He has 2 rooms to himself to destroy yet has to do it around the house.

In the last week he has - failed to do a nappy properly twice at night resulting in shit everywhere in the morning. Let a toilet roll fall into my loo and left it on my floor (he has his own loo!) left stubble on my sink (again, his loo has a sink!) left the Hoover in a mess, left shite in the hall and out front of the house, and left dirty washing on the dining table. And this is just off the top of my head! And everything is somehow my fault or me bu.

I was making DS's bottle tonight (while upset) and he followed me in demanding to know what he had done to deserve my reaction, I asked him not to follow me and said that I am so frustrated that I have to continually ask him the same stuff. He said that I was in a foul mood and wanted to have a go at him (I wasn't, I was happy, but he uses this as an excuse all the time) and that there was no give an take, that I was being unfair because he hoovered the kitchen earlier and I never use the Hoover.

He is right, I don't, I have a vertebrae issue and SPD which makes it very hard, he knows this and I do lots of other stuff to make up for it. And yes he did sort the kitchen, but I was right there helping him do it! His logic is that he did the kitchen so should be able to leave the cupboard in a mess and risk breaking the Hoover (the plug cord is fraying, we have been through this before!)

He is now sat on the bed having a go at me and saying that he is going out and he is not happy at all. Probably to buy booze which comes with it's own problems.

All I said to him was please sort the Hoover and got upset! Which I can't help!

He is so dismissive of me, and I have explained to him that when I repeat myself over and over I feel like I'm not listened to, which is hurtful, and I hate being put into the position of a nag because he won't listen/doesn't care. We have had so many conversations about it and he always promises the same and it never materialises.

Please please tell me ianbu because I can't handle living with a 27 year old child who can't finish any jobs properly!

I don't think this is about the hoover though is it?

I guess you have to decide whether the half finished jobs issue is a fundamental problem in your relationship or not. I live with exactly the same half arsed behaviour from DP. He never completes a job, or puts anything away or cleans anything without absolute clear instructions to do so. We've had many a row about it over the years. But over the course of 14 years, it's now just what I'm used to. And his good points are many, so they outweigh his child-like inability to either notice or complete household tasks.
You need to focus on the good points. Does he have any?

How old is your baby?

This is another version of "the cap left off the toothpaste" argument.

You are not being unreasonable to feel frustrated and fed up.

Does he call you a nag for reminding him to do things? Rather than seeing it as a reminder? My dp has form for this and it is frustrating. However we don't have a baby atm, I get annoyed at this at the best of times, throw a baby in the mix and I suspect I'd lose my rag quite spectacularly.

Yanbu. You just aren't.

You do need to talk to him though, properly when you're not upset. He may well not realise he is coming across as being dismissive. I had a chat about that kind of thing with my dp a while back and he was shocked, he hadn't realised, had just got too comfortable.

My dh does the same. I get called out for being a control freak. It is infuriating, I imagine with a baby too it is hard. My dd is one and I feel like I parent two sometimes. Dh has many good points though and is very busy with two jobs so I let things slide.

I suppose with this it is all down to wether the good outweighs the bad, can the bad be worked on? Do you actually want to work on things ... Etc

Yanbu and this isn't about the Hoover but do you know that you can just replace the plug on the Hoover? And cut the fraying cord down and rewire the plug?
Sorry it's just that from your post it sounds like there was an issue with the plug getting damaged and you replaced the whole Hoover.

In our house I'm the less tidy one who gets huffed and puffed at and it makes me feel like shit because I do try and there are lots of things I do that DH doesn't. Maybe make a list of the positive things your DH does without the negatives - so hoovers willingly and without being reminded if that's the case - and see if he really is that bad overall. If you're struggling to find anything positive to say probably time for a proper chat.

Maybe you need to lay out your expectations when you are both calm (if you haven't already). I have similar but in reverse.
I am at home on maternity leave with a baby and toddler. I ensure the laundry & washing up is done, there is food in the fridge, the house isn't a complete bomb site and both children are fed and cleaned. DH flips out at what I consider the silliest things, he likes the fridge to be tidy, towels hung straight on the towell rack, and today went mad that the cupboard with all the weaning pots/ lunch boxes was is a mess with lids missing etc. apparently he isn't bothered if the house is dusted & hoovered & if he has to wait for a shirt, but can't stand the lack of organisation. Some people are just wired differently and I find it really hard to be naturally neat & tidy, I do try but mostly fail!

Don't know if this perspective will help or not.

He has many many good points. And I love him very much. Which is why this has upset me so much as after so long of not feeling listened to or respected, I feel like it's wearing away at that love. I know that it's a common joke about men but it's not so funny to live it.

Sounds so stupid over a hoover!

Our DS is 14 months and I'm 26 weeks pregnant.

He doesn't call me a nag (thank god) but I feel like one. We have had many a calm conversation discussing these feelings of being a nag and not listened to and he says all the right things. And then repeats all the same behaviours.

I completely want to work at things, I just feel very worn down because we have been here so many times. I keep trying to just let these things go, and they eat me up! I probably do have a control problem but he has know this about me for 8 years!

I know so many of you will understand, it's things like getting the washing basket empty (no mean feat) only to have him produce a load of dirty stuff from his study. Or tidying the whole house to have him dump a bunch of junk into the dining room. It's as though he is blind.

Bort - it's not the plug, it is the whole cord fraying at various points because he refuses to coil it up (or forgets, or doesn't know he has to, not sure) and it's lying underneath the Hoover kinked with a lot of weight on it. The Hoover itself is massive and heavy and I can barely lift it now I'm pregnant. He has broken one before but that one exploded, not sure what happened!

He is the 'clean' one and I am the 'tidy' one, so household jobs are allocated accordingly, and I stay out of his study so he can keep it a bomb site like he loves, but there has to be some give and take! It's knackering enough tidying up after DS let alone DH as well. I would say overall with work, baby and household it's a 50/50 split which is good. I just don't see that him hoovering, justifies leaving an otherwise tidy cupboard a tip for me to sort out.

I feel a bit calmer now (and a bit embarrassed), but at least I didn't fly off the handle.

I'm so glad you have been gentle with me!

Update. He has come back, not bought any booze.

He has said sorry and that he didn't understand, and that he should have just done the Hoover (so sick of that word!)

So I explained that was a symptom of a bigger issue of a) his reaction (saying I wanted to pick a fight, that I shouldn't have mentioned it to begin with as he cleaned the kitchen) and b) not feeling listened to and having to repeat myself.

He seemed to get it and said he will try his best not to react like that, and try to change things the first time. He also acknowledged that when he asks me to do something differently, he only has to ask me once.

So that's all good.

He did then say he thinks if I did a 'husband swap' I would realise how good it was with him and cut him some slack which annoyed me as it seemed to defeat the point of our whole conversation. But I will tackle that one another day.

I appreciate all he does very much and offer him lots of thanks and praise, so don't know what more I can do there really. For me, how good he is at ABC doesn't negate the annoyance of XYZ. Maybe it should?

OP I could have written your post (even down to the age gap between DC!).

When DD2 was about 7 months old we went to counselling. It did help in the short term, as it helped us to talk to each other and listen-even though we didn't necessarily agree. Did we change? I think the biggest thing is I've accepted that this is the way DH is. That's not to excuse it but now I try and focus on the good rather than the negative but it's still not always easy when he's just left things out of the cupboard instead of putting them away

It's so tough with young children, especially when they will be close together in age. Tiredness and hormones are not to be underestimated in the strain they put on a relationship.

DC are now 2 and 3. I think DH is still as annoying as ever but I can cope with it better now .

The thing that was a real turning point for me was when the counsellor asked why we fell in love. All that was still there, it had just got a bit lost in the day to day. I try and remind myself of that regularly.

I think at some point being good at certain things needs to balance out others.

Working as a team etc doesn't necessarily mean being good at the same things

ltb!!!

This isn't an ltb situation yet, ask me next time he doesn't put the Hoover away

I think this time I was so shocked by my disproportionate reaction, it didn't take very long to work out that it was a symptom of much bigger feelings. Which although I have expressed them, they clearly aren't being acknowledged.

I am going to have a think and work on how to approach it so he understands. I wish there was a way I could do it so DH separated how appreciative I am of all the good he does, and how frustrated I am that he doesn't listen and that I have to finish jobs for him.

The latter is especially knackering when I can't do the jobs - e.g. Lifting the Hoover is very difficult and puts a huge strain on my back and pelvis. And it's exacerbated when I can't do things like get a screwdriver out because he has piled shite on the toolbox.

We are very much good at (and value) different things, which is why when things are smooth we are a great team. But I think part of that comes from respecting what each other values, which right now, DH doesn't. I wouldn't leave a pool of spilled milk just cos he is the 'clean one', therefore I believe he shouldn't leave rubbish out just because I am the 'tidy one'.

I am going to figure out a way to resolve this without losing my mind or relationship.

It has helped to know ianbu, as it means I'm more prepared to figure out a solution. Thank you all for replying.

Sounds just like my OH :) Only thing I found worked was putting post its everywhere for myself saying "stop nagging" and just stop relying on him. It did mean the floor was never hoovered or cleaned, (also had SPD) as he doesn't do any housework / diy at all ever. But it made me feel a lot less stressed about it, as the nagging(reminding)and waiting for him to do it was more tiring than actually doing it myself straight away. YANBU at all!

Off the point, I know, but what is this about him having two rooms to himself to destroy? Is he banned from the rest of the house?

He isn't banned from the rest of the house at all, but in recognition of our differing standards, I keep out of his study and his bathroom and he is free to keep them as messy as he likes.

I have use of the family bathroom, which at the moment is just me and DS so I manage to keep it to my standards - I may ban him from my bathroom now though.

But the living room, kitchen, bedroom etc of course he's isn't banned! But he does have to apply a slightly higher standard to our shared rooms.

I will state I don't have the equivalent of a study to myself.

Yes do ban him from your bathroom, why should he get to swan in and mess up your one when he has his own? I bet he says he doesn't "see" mess, is that right?

Even if mess doesn't bother him, surely the fact it's an issue for you should be enough to make it matter to him?