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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update to "Glastonbury over Wedding" - now it's "local festival over holiday" - is it me or what?

84 replies

NitaNitron · 07/06/2014 17:40

I posted a few days ago saying that DP was prioritising Glastonbury festival over our wedding by saying we'd have to do the wedding as cheap as pos (or maybe not at all) but we have to go to Glastonbury (again).

Anyway most of you thought I was being unfair, princessey and spoilt so I came up with the compromise of cheap wedding - glastonbury for honeymoon. He loved it. That's the plan.

Ok - so I also mentioned in that post that we had a holiday of a lifetime coming up in august. Something of a bucket list entry of mine - I'm so excited about it, it's a massive deal to me. Anyway the plan was that we'd stay in Manchester airport hotel the night before - a nice romantic night before our hol, cheap, takes the stress out of getting to the airport the next day and just adds a nice touch to the start of our hol. I can do this for £100. Anyway he's been trying to talk me out of it since I suggested it but as we very, very nearly missed our flight the last time we went away and I was close to tears and almost too stressed out to enjoy the start of the holiday - I insisted. This was something I really wanted to do and despite what it seems like on here, I don't ask for a lot, I'm pretty easily pleased (honeymoon in a field anyone?) but you know - I wanted the hotel the night before the hol.

Anyway I've found out the real reason he didn't want to do it. A local yearly festival is on in town the night before we fly and he wants to go to that. FFS. Holiday of a lifetime and all he cares about is a little music festival happening the night before. I mean seriously now, is it me or what? I feel like my feelings are at the very bottom of his priorities. I compromised as much as humanely possible with my wedding - I just feel this is taking the piss now.

OP posts:
TarkaTheOtter · 07/06/2014 19:59

It sounds like you are making most of the compromises and I can see why that is unfair. I don't think you sound spoilt/princessey either.

But... I don't understand why staying in a hotel the night BEFORE your holiday (which you admit is off you bucket list) is so important if it means he is going to miss something he wants to go to. Surely the holiday will be romantic and relaxing in itself? Of sounds like you are into different things and maybe to him this festival is as important as the holiday and he wants to do both. It's not like he's asking you to cancel the holiday, just a night in a airport hotel.

guitarosauras · 07/06/2014 20:05

Do you have ANYTHING in common???

Please don't marry him, you obviously both have completely different ideas of fun!

guitarosauras · 07/06/2014 20:06

'I can't be at the birth of our first born because of a festival'.

Bragadocia · 07/06/2014 20:06

I didn't post on the other thread either, but FWIW, I didn't think you were princessy and agreed with you. He really sounds like a bell end, and at this age, probably isn't going to change if he doesn't have to. He will probably be like this for the duration of your marriage.

curiousuze · 07/06/2014 20:07

Please don't marry him. Definitely don't have kids with him; he's too selfish.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2014 20:16

A lot of people stay near tha airport the night before a holiday to avoid having to get up that extra bit early if they have to leave very early for a long haul flight or a long journey.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/06/2014 20:16

Why is he a "reject" for liking music festivals at 42? Confused

Are they actually only the remit of the under 30's? S'ok with me as I'm a few years off and never been to one sadly .

But seriously - you are able to meet in the middle as a couple or your are not. It seems to be erring towards not but of course, this is a one sided thing based on your irritated vent. What you are like day to day as a couple is unknown.

rookiemater · 07/06/2014 20:19

I'm not sure which I'd hate more - going to a music festival or staying at the hotel the night before a flight ( did it once slept badly, much rather have a bit less sleep in my own bed).

That's not the point though. Nor is it him liking music festivals at 42. It's the fact that he likes them beyond the point of prioritising his own wedding, or for once letting his fiancee choose what happens.

If he was 25 then there is a chance that age may mature him - as he is 42 it's unlikely this will happen.

chesterberry · 07/06/2014 20:21

Without knowing more I think it's hard to make an instant judgement that he's selfish. I can see why somebody might prefer going to a festival over holding a fancy wedding day, particularly if they have traditionally gone every year.

I don't know that is makes him selfish to want to spend the weekend before you go on holiday at a local festival over the hotel any more than it makes you selfish for wanting to spend the night before at the hotel over the festival. It does suggest you have different priorities though. If you are someone who prefers to be holidaying in hotels and he is someone who wants to be at festivals then that is likely to be a problem as how will you ever compromise?

Unless your flight is so early that you can't get to it on time if you don't stay in a hotel nearer the airport I don't think he is being selfish in wanting to go to the festival beforehand. You are still having the holiday you want (is he so keen on the holiday? Was it a dream destination for him or only for you?) but beforehand he gets to go to the festival he wants. Are you really that hung up on the hotel? Can he at least go to some of the festival, even if you have to leave early?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/06/2014 20:22

I think the Shock faces are a surprise thst he's prioritising a festival over a highly personal and emotional event such as his wedding!

At 42 hasn't he done all that?

Inertia · 07/06/2014 20:23

Is leaving him at the local festival and taking someone less selfish on the holiday an option ?

Seriously, he really doesn't sound worth marrying. He just doesn't have any sense of accommodating your wishes at all.

Calonwyn · 07/06/2014 20:26

Sorry to play Devil's Advocate but coming so close to your previous Glastonbury argument, do you think he might be having minor cold feet about the wedding, and pushing what he knows to be your festival buttons, in the hope you'll freak out and tell him to do one? It's the sort of cowardly pass-agg tactic my confrontation-phobic ex-DP would have tried.

CanaryYellow · 07/06/2014 20:26

Do you know what I don't like about it?

Anyway he's been trying to talk me out of it since I suggested it

Instead of coming out with it straight away and saying "well actually, I was hoping to go to the local music festival that night", he's spent however long trying to put the OP off the idea of the hotel, despite knowing how much she wanted it to be part of the holiday.

If you're going to be a selfish twat then at least own it!

Iflyaway · 07/06/2014 20:28

He is never going to put you as nr. 1.

I would be going on holiday by myself and move out, cancel the wedding

You do have free choice over your life you know!

rookiemater · 07/06/2014 20:28

Yes that's a very good point canaryyellow. Strikes me that he knows he is being a bit of an arse about this and that the OP will kick off so was trying not to let it slip.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2014 20:29

Because that age you should be grown up to accept that if you chose to be in a relationship with someone who can take it or leave it, you have to compromise.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/06/2014 20:32

Ok, here is what I posted on your previous thread - word for word:

*Why don't you have a very careful think about marrying a man who is very determined to have exactly what he wants, but 'laughs it off' when you start talking about things which are important to you?

A wedding is just one day yes. But it's not that that's the problem really, is it? It's the way he's showing you that what he wants is important, what you want is always negotiable.*

Same thing. Exactly the same thing. Isn't it?

He's 42 btw, old enough in my opinion to realise that some things should be prioritised over glastonbury and local festivals.

Yes, he is. So it isn't a case of him not being old enough, or happy enough, or anything enough, it's simply a case of him being an incredibly selfish, self-centred person.

He won't change. People don't change. Especially when they are 42 and have had a lifetime of pleasing themselves.

Marry him if you want. But these threads are showing you what it will be like.

How old are you, btw? Do you want children, and is time pressing? Is that a consideration in whether you continue with him?

Dornishwine · 07/06/2014 20:32

42!!!!!?
Ffs.
Run.
As fast and you can.
And be grateful he made you realise what a twat he was prior to the vows!
Jesus!
I thought he was about 25/6 (even at that age it's still twatish behaviour though)

Dornishwine · 07/06/2014 20:35

Sigh.
Except you aren't going to are you op?
You will marry this waste of space and be back in a few months when he has decided going to a festival is more important than a significant b day/anniversary/funeral/the birth of his child....
He is 42.
He will not change.
If you marry him don't bleat on about his behaviour.
You have had fair warning IMHO.

PlumpPartridge · 07/06/2014 20:38

A friend of mine has just divorced her 40 yo DH because he was and is an irresponsible, inconsiderate twat and she got tired of hoping he'd magically improve.

Leave him now. And I say that as someone who called off her own wedding 6months beforehand because she realised her now-ex fiancée wasn't going to stop chasing other women. Trust me, it'll be easier now than later

Burren · 07/06/2014 20:52

The thing that worries me about this thread is that I have a dreadful feeling you feel thoroughly committed to a man with whom you have little in common, who seems to find your priorities laughable because they bear no resemblance to his own, and that you will go ahead and marry him, whatever anyone says here.

Listen to yourself. It sounds as if your life with this man is lonely and frustrating, with you setting your heart on weddings, bucket list destinations etc, and him with no interest in those because he's all about the festivals. Honestly, can you face a life where any major event may be vetoed or sidelined because it clashes with a festival? You were nearly in tears (your other thread) because you felt your engaged colleagues were having such fun planning their weddings, while you were trying to persuade someone patently uninterested to have a wedding, rather than a music festival. If you have a child together, do you want to be envying other couples at scans and antenatal classes, because their husbands are all excited and involved while your guy is checking his watch to get out the door to something that's all about him, or begging you to gave an ELCS so as not to clash with a festival?

MrsMaturin · 07/06/2014 21:01

I can see why this charmer has made it to 42 without being in a lasting relationship. He's a twat. Run away OP, run far, run fast. you will feel great without Mr Whingy-festival-pants weighing you down.

EverythingCounts · 07/06/2014 21:22

Another one who didn't read the previous thread, but who thinks it was in no way spoilt or princess to expect your wedding to be higher priority than one year's attendance at Glastonbury. Time for a serious talk with him I reckon. How long have you been together? Do you want children?

Pumpkinpositive · 07/06/2014 21:33

He's 42 btw

Fuck's sake, woman!

Screw all the advice on the last thread including mine. I hadn't realised your intended was an overgrown toddler.

How can he even contemplate portacabin loos at his advanced age?? I couldn't go near them when I was 17.

Doingakatereddy · 07/06/2014 21:38

A good relationship and great marriages / partnerships are about compromise.

But your relationship just didn't sound like the ebb and flow of mutual compromise where both people ultimately want to make the other happy. It sounds like he's along for the ride as long as it suits him.