To think that my mother is cold and callous

[ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN]

So, a few months back, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis. I didn't tell my parents, as I knew that my Mum would get angry with me, as if I had orchestrated a medical condition just to piss her off. One Sunday afternoon, when DP and I were walking their dog, I completely blacked out. Hit the ground face first, and still have a lovely bump on my forehead to show for it. My Mum told me to cop on.

DP carried me back to my parents house, then told them what happened, He used the opportunity to tell them about my Fibro. Cue lots of huffing and stropping and slamming things around by my Mum. Not one iota of sympathy. She has not even mentioned my Fibromyalgia since.

I went for a smear test a few weeks ago. The result came back abnormal, which means that I have to go for another in 6 months. I'm sure that it will be fine, but when I told my Mum, she sat with a wicked scowl and a face like a slapped arse.

Oh well that's a relief then - nice to know it's not all of them!

Why would she think you would develop a medical condition just to piss her off? Does she rely on you a lot to do things for her so if something happens to you, her first thought is what is going to happen to her free help? Visit her once a fortnight at the most :) It's all I can take of my grandpa who is very negative about everything and if anything happens to any of my family, his concern is how it will effect him. He had the audacity recently to compare his relatively minor health issues to the chronic and serious conditions my mum has faced all her life.

I had a very difficult relationship with my mother - counselling was invaluable. With your fibromalgia and considering raising a family, it's an excellent time to start.

OP, in the nicest possible way your sister was right. You do need to 'cop on and grow up' - by breaking this exhausting cycle.

Stop visiting your mother every day. It will keep you trapped in eternal teenagerhood and will be disastrous for your mental health (and possibly your relationship - sounds like your DH is just about sick of it).

I've got a martyr mother. I feel your pain. I had to learn to be the grown up. She might respond more positively that you think but you HAVE to let the resentment go and you HAVE to see less of her.

I have me/cfs and got the same reaction from my family. If I ever mention I'm struggling or ill because of it mum just says "oh" and changes the conversation.

it's really hurtfull.

It's actually not uncommon for parents to get angry with their DC when the DC get into difficulties - some parents believe deep down that DC are supposed to bring love, joy, comfort and support to parents - not problems.

You really need to stop daily visits, I'd take it down to oncea week, if she strops, stop altogether for a while. You need supportive people now, she's not able to support you- there might be various reasons for that, but the end result is the same.

You are an adult in this relationship, you can decide this relationship doesn't benefit you and walk away.

OP I'm sorry but I'm another in the camp of thinking you need to harden up a bit here.

You have a lovely DH and you admit your relationship with him is strained because of your mother. I would invest my love and caring nature in him.

I think your mother sounds incredibly immature. We all have our crosses to bear from our upbringings but the way she treats you is completely unacceptable and yet you allow it.

I'm not suggesting you cut contact with her. But is once a week not sufficient? She might then ask herself why her lovely daughter doesn't want to see her more.

And if she moans to your sisters - let her. They aren't visiting daily!

Your 30th birthday present to yourself should be treating yourself with the same respect and compassion you treat your family. I hope you get better health news soon. (Unmumsnetty hug x)

Oh saw your update post. Yes yes - move. Get space.

You do sound like a victim and very very squashed by them all. even talking about the fall out from your dad if you sent the email. Let them have their fall out!

I'm not suggesting your illness is caused by this toxic lot, but the mind and body are inextricably linked. Every day you are squashing some pretty strong emotions in dealing with lot - sadness, anger etc. these emotions don't go away. They affect us physically too.....

I went through a shitty time at your age (sorry to sound patronising). Shitty parents, abusive partner - incredibly difficult year. I wound up with chronic fatigue. I completely de-junked my life. Binned the partner, got my own place and set boundaries with parents. The fatigue lifted..... I know this is probably an insult to those with true ME, but in my case, the negative emotions made me sick..

Could you seek some counselling to help you become stronger in dealing with this lot?

Shadows, where is your father in all this? Why does your mother need you so much if he is around?

You really need to stop daily visits, I'd take it down to oncea week, if she strops, stop altogether for a while.

Yes this. She will strop and there will be a transition point, but it is not reasonable to expect your grown up daughter to visit you every day. Honestly your life will be so much better without this.

Your sisters may strop at you too. Just point out that they are welcome to visit more frequently if they feel it's necessary, but visiting once a week is enough. Repeat using the broken record technique - I'm on my phone but it's googleable).

Resist until you're into a new pattern.

Perhaps think of it as toddler training, at the moment, you are rewarding her bad behaviour with attention. cut contact, if she strops, rather than increasing your visits back to the level they were before (what she wants) reduce them further. If she wants you to visit, she'll have to learn to accept it on your terms or not at all. At the moment, she controls how much you visit, she will not like that changing, but it is your choice.

Shaddows I totally get how annoying it is that other people don't always see how unpleasant your mum can be. My MIL is sweetness and light to the Dr or anyone when we are out and about and they say "Oh, she is marvellous isn't she?". As soon as we get home and the door is closed it is demand after demand as well as constant insults to DW, she even thumped her last week!. Her duplicity is something that I find incredibly hard to bear.

Just blame not visiting so much on your illness.

"Sorry I can't come today, I feel too tired" etc. start by missing the odd day then build it up as she gets used to it. If the others moan, then just get upset yourself and say, "I'd love to go more often. Do you think this is easy for me. You are not living with fibromyalgia" etc

You need to do this for your DH, if not yourself. It's not fair on him. Things won't change unless you make them change.

You now have the perfect excuse with your illness (and it really is a true excuse) . Stand firm and be consistent. Don't give in to your family's manipulation. Know they will up the guilt but refuse to feel guilty. Do it for your marriage.

excuse me pointing this out, but you do seem to have rather of lot of invisible health problems. Fibro, arthriits, feeling faint, and unclear smear, all in one post. Are there others? Is this long term pattern?

Actually, although I can see the merit in Shewhowines' post, I disagree. Reduce your visits immediately to once a week. Don't blame your illness so much as say that you need to rest because of it (fine line of difference, I realise) - that way if you do recover there will be less expectation that you go back to your gruelling daily schedule of visits.

And really, you must stop those. Let the fall out happen - what's the worst they can do to you, really?

My abusive family use the phrase 'cop on'. I think its one of the worst things you can say to someone - it means shut the fuck up immediately and do as you are told. So disrespectful.

OP, your family sounds a lot like mine, down to being used as my mother's marriage guidance counsellor when I was about 12. I completely understand what you say about being well trained to think of others first and neglect yourself. Nine of this is easy - the guilt can be overwhelming when you start to think about putting yourself first for a change.

I think you're well on your way and good for you. Yes yes to moving further away and cutting visits right down. I can't recommend counselling enough - its no quick fix but invaluable for helping you to understand the deeply toxic dynamic you have grown up with. Good luck with it all x

I would definitely move. That's an unequivocal message to your "D" M that you are not at her beck and call. It'll give you and DH a chance to breathe.

Where is your DF in all this...?

Your poor DH. You could lose him if you don't start getting away from your horrible mother and then where would you be?

I hope to goodness this thread starts making you think more deeply about the awful situation you are in. Your dh has clearly told you he would like to move away and also spend less time with your mother.

You, however, seem absolutely determined to spend time with a woman who treats you, well, like a whipping boy. Please please get some distance from her.

How far away do your sisters live? I suspect that, in terms of mileage, you may well be travelling as much in a week as they would have to, and certainly the amount of time you spend with your mother must at least equate to their travelling time.

All of which means that, if they expect you to go round every day, then it's reasonable to expect them to go round once or twice a week. And if they don't think that is reasonable, then you need to point out that the current set-up is not reasonable for you either.

I think you need to distance yourself a bit. I don't think I have ever menyioned a smear test to my Mum tbh. Why did your DP take you to hers rather than home?

Speak to your Dad about why you are taking a bit of time out. Is this why your siblings live away?

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN "We've recently found out that having children is unlikely to happen for us. I've actually occasionally thought to myself, well, that's a good thing, because I won't have children to treat the way my Mum treats me, and my Nan treats her."

I really really don't understand this. Surely, you wouldn't repeat the abusive treatment with your own children! My parents never had any love for me and made certain I knew it. I knew that I would love and cherish any children I had and they would always know it and have an unshakeable self-worth, which is the opposite of how I am. You break the cycle, not continue it!

It is no excuse to be abusive to your own child just because you were abused. Your mother has no excuse and needs to be confronted with what's she's doing. Quite frankly, if that caused a permanent rift it would be no loss to you, would it?

I think you need to distance yourself OP, get some breathing space and try not to let her bother you. She sounds very unfair to me and since she won't accept the fact that, despite moaning about her mum doing it to her, that she is out of order to you then I think you need to break the cycle and get some distance from them. It does sound like you dad and sib allow her to martyr herself and scapegoat you a bit.

Could you go you counselling to get some helpful techniques to deal with them? The last thing you want is their behaviour to drive a wedge between you and your DP, that would isolate you greatly and I'm sure they'd love that dependency from you.