to be too scared to go for much needed counselling (very sensitive subject)

[pleasehelp25]

Ok, so here goes. I'm terrified of writing this and have never spoken to anyone about it in rl.
When I was about 5 I had a best friend, I would go over to her house all the time. One day we where playing and she said I could only play with her doll if I played this other game first. I won't go into detail but this game was sexual play. At the time I didn't understand it and it tickled so I wasn't too bothered.
At the time I had no idea what it was,and in no way blame this friend as she obviously learned it somewhere and probably had no idea either, it was something she wanted to play a lot and went on for a few years until she moved.
I also showed this game to another friend obviously not knowing what I was doing wrong.
I feel like I was abused and as a result I played this 'game' with another child and after growing up and realising what it was iv never really gotton over it.

I feel like I need to talk about it but I'm terrified of speaking about it.
I thought opening up here is a start... Sorry if I sound like an awful horrible person, it's haunted me my whole life.

Don't be scared. Counsellors can help you. So can the samaritans too so maybe try them first.
I mostly agree with Runes above - in that maybe you are seeing it from an adults point of view while judging yourself when you were a child.
A child that young who plays Dr's and Nurses etc.. doesn't really, if at all, understand sexual tones.
I can only speak for myself saying this - YES I was vaguely aware it was a little bit 'naughty' due to the fact my mum drummed into me that my privates were private to me and that I shouldn't show people but I certainly didn't have a clue about anything sexual.
Even if the other child was aware or was being abused, that was not your fault, nor was it hers. Neither of you can be/should be held accountable by others or by yourselves.
You are not an awful horrible person, not in any way and I'm sorry this is eating away at you.
Please do try and access some help.