angry with myself for being polite to this man

[Lemiserableoldgimmer]

In the queue to pay for a t-shirt at a shop yesterday. A man in his 40's standing behind me pointed at the big, size 14 black t-shirt I was holding and said 'is that a bikini?'. I turned around to him and said, politely, 'no, it's a t-shirt'. He then tried to start a conversation with me about sunbathing. I told him I wasn't having a holiday this year, and had to work all through summer. He then tried to steer the conversation towards the topic of how hard we all have to work, and that's because there are loads of people around who'll take our jobs and do them cheaper than us. I made a non-committal 'hmmm' noise and then turned my back on him to pay.

After I left I started to feel really peed off - that his comment about the bikini was fucking impertinent, was intended to discomfort and embarrass me, and that having had no joy with that he thought he'd do a bit of immigrant bashing. I felt peed off that I was polite, and kept thinking about things I wish I'd said, mainly along the lines of 'A bikini? Do you need glasses?' or 'You know one of the most joyful things about getting older, fatter and plainer is not having to deal with snide and impertinent comments from men, so if you don't mind, can you mind your own business'.

It bought back all the unpleasant feelings I used to get being regularly harrassed by men in my teens (I'm 47 now), and the fact that 30 years on my instinctive response to an arsehole is to be simperingly polite.... Arrghh! Cross with myself.

I don't think anyone can get through life with out wishing we'd responded to an uncomfortable situation differently and we always have wonderful answers after the fact. I've some smart ass or cutting answers when I meet someone like that, but unfortunately it's usually hours later.

You could argue that you handled it well by not losing it with him. Although I hate that feeling of thinking of things you should have/could have said after the fact. I think well done you though. Choose your battles - he wasn't worth the energy. Try to let it go now (easier said than done!).

I think there are men out there who have a problem with women like me: women who clearly don't give a flying fuck whether men find them attractive or not, who can't be 'got at' by sexually harrassing them. Except I can be got at - as he proved yesterday.

I really, really resent men making inappropriate comments. I found it very diminishing when I was young, but accepted it was a normal part of life. But now I see it for what it is - it's designed to make you feel uncomfortable, and it makes me ask, why would someone want to do that to me, when I'm minding my own business?

I was going to say what pupsie said. You had the upper hand for not telling him to f off.

Self control is a good thing. He might have wanted to get a rise out of you and you stayed polite.

You win!

OldGimmer:10
Knob Man: 0

So, he tried to have a conversation with you, and you weren't interested. This happens all the time. Just be polite, and forget about him the second your conversation is finished.

He sounds like a bit of an oddball. Do you think he was trying to hit on you in some strange kind of way? I think you did the right thing and shouldn't be annoyed with yourself. It isn't worth your energy to try and overly engage in this sort of situation. A bit of small talk and a quick exit ensured it didn't get any weirder!

"So, he tried to have a conversation with you".

Maybe this would help you understand how it felt to me. Imagine you are standing behind a not very attractive middle-aged man in a queue. He is carrying a large pair of tracksuit bottoms. You look at the trousers and say 'are those a pair of budgie smugglers'?. 'Are you going to wear them on the beach?'

Does that help?

He wasn't trying to pass the time of day. He was trying to discomfit me, by asking me if I was buying a skimpy piece of clothing and whether I was going to wear it to sunbathe in.

"Do you think he was trying to hit on you in some strange kind of way"

No. I think he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable.

That's what has pissed me off about it.

So you could:

Show him he has not succeeded in making you feel uncomfortable.
Isn't this a lovely T-shirt?

Show him you are uncomfortable and ask him if he feels better now.
Why are you asking me about my clothes? Do you think you should be giving out fashion advice?

Ignore him... Possibly talk to another woman about something completely different.
It's quiet in here today or Aren't there a lot of nosey odd men around today?

Yes, I probably am passive aggressive. But only to people who upset me.

I wasn't there, but to me it sounds like: man tries to chat up woman in supermarket, she fends him off politely.

I do wonder, whenever a woman complains about a man deliberately making her uncomfortable, whether she's just blindly assuming the effect of his actions also describe his intent.

Is the OP sure he would have failed to follow through if she'd tried to encourage him? I suppose that's the test that would distinguished a pervert from an unwanted admirer. Though I understand that if you get enough unwanted attention, you must get to a point where you feel both are equally deserving of a severe response.

Was he wearing a t-shirt? I would have said 'Do you think this item of clothing is a bikini? Are you wearing a bikini?' Mind you, that is with the advantage of being able to think about it... It's always difficult to know how to react when a stranger says something moronic out of the blue.

I think you are over reacting and over thinking it.

Random people say weird stuff to me all the time - so what?

Where's the harm in just going along with it, having a conversation and then leaving them to it??

I think you did beautifully, nothing to be cross about at all!

I think I must be used to oddballs in shop queues

If he'd said to me, "Is that a bikini?" I would have said, "No, it's a bowl of soup."

I love the way that your imagined bolshy response is 'if you don't mind can you mind your own business.'

That is so perfectly British and exactly like me

I am just so fantastic and witty in situations like that!

.....about two weeks after the fact

I wouldn't worry about it op. Maybe he was just trying to goad you and you didn't give him the satisfaction.

I don't think you should blame yourself for being polite. It can be hard to slough off the female social conditioning that inculcates automatic politeness to men, even in the face of entitledness and creepy comments assuming you default to Minding What Men Think of You.

I think most of us have been in this situation, and the choice is to remain polite as you did, or to be more obviously rude or offhand, and risk a more unpleasant or aggressive escalation of the situation from a man who thinks he's entitled to your attention. I've been abrupt back in similar circumstances, and got variations on 'Fuck you, so you won't even talk back, you fat/lesbian/snobby bitch etc etc.' There's no 'right' answer.

Or Worra's response. Take it into surreal territory. Start tap dancing or calling on the a Holy Spirit.

Are you saying that you would look so hideous in a bikini that anyone who mentioned it must be trying to make you uncomfortable/wind you up? If not, maybe he he was just trying to make conversation, maybe flirting not very well.

Even if he was trying to wind you up etc., you didn't rise to it. I think by not saying much and basically ignoring the immigrant thing, you handled it well.

I have found in the past that if I am rude to people I always regret it. Even if they are prats/deserve it. So now I am always polite, even when telling those phone 'survey' people to get lost.

Start tap dancing or calling on the a Holy Spirit