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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel this sense of sadness towards my child?

34 replies

Rockingrobin69 · 04/06/2014 18:00

i have a 4 yo ds who is very high spirited, on the manic side and generally quite hard work. im a single parent with a useless ex H who on the rare occasions he sees DS shouts at him, and ds calls me asking for me to come and pick him up. he sporadically financially supports his son, leaving me working all hours running a business, with very little childcare support. i go to the gym to increase my energy levels with DS when he is at school 3 days a week but generally feel very stressed most of the time and seem to spend a lot of time tellling off ds for his behaviour, for eg kicking things, breaking things by being unable to stand still,

all i want is to be able to cuddle ds on the sofa and chat and connect with him. he has to be asked to do the simpliest things three or four times, and everything is difficult for him. i take him out one to one all the time, i spend a lot of time playing with him, taking him to activites and holidays, and my reward from him is him shouting at me and i find his inability to be able to stay still for any length of time really irritating and in turn feel really guilty for feeling like this.

i hate feeling resentful of him, and i hate myself for not enjoying his childhood as i should be :(

OP posts:
mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 04/06/2014 18:07

That sounds hard, and I know a little of where you're coming from. Ds1 has SEN and is hard work.

What is your ds like at school?

Cheepypeepy · 04/06/2014 18:13

I am not there yet, Dc aren't old enough but just wanted to stay that you sound like you're doing a great job in a tough situation

From my experiences with other children just because he's hard work now doesn't mean he'll allways be, but maybe you have to also accept that if he is for example a bit hyper in the evenings instead of reasoning you develop different strategies - deal with the child you have not the one you imagined

Joysmum · 04/06/2014 18:16

What do the school think? Is it simply high spirits or could the be something else?

I only have one child and had no experience of children before her. I've found her schools have been great inspiration for how to deal with my tough times. They have so much experience to draw on for managing and coping strategies.

NannyAnna · 04/06/2014 18:18

I am a nanny and I look after a little boy that sounds a lot like your DS. No advice really just that it gets easier over time as they get older and their concentration improves.

wiltingfast · 04/06/2014 18:19

Have you tried praising him the very moment he does something you want him to do? I mean immediately and effusively even if he was not behaving just previously? I find this amazingly effective for reinforcing the behaviour I want eg holding hands, getting dressed, being helpful, sharing etc.

Sounds like you are doing loads right already. It's easy to end up focused on what they are doing wrong and it can become a rut. Just try shifting that focus to what he does right. Might help!

MalibuStacy · 04/06/2014 18:21

OP, it sounds like you could do with some guidance. I find the Noel Janis Norton approach really helpful with my DS who sounds similar to yours.

www.calmerparenting.com

Original poster
Rockingrobin69 · 04/06/2014 18:30

thanks for your comments very helpful :) i am looking at calmerparenting now,....

he's high spirited at school but his teachers say he isnt adhd as he does have the ability to listen, hes only there three days a week at the moment and i think i and he struggle with that too.

i think it is a about mindset, and i need to think more positively about him. one of my friends little girls is so much calmer and i find it so much easier to bond with her, and i find myself wishing he was more like her, which is such a disgusting and dreadful thing to think about your child.

for eg.....in the morning i let him sit on the counter in the kitchen and watch me mix breakfast.......whilst doing this he opens a cupboard and pullls pasta out all over the floor, then he kicks the fridge door and all the magnets fall off. i send him into the dining room with the bowls, and he is trying to wind the blind cord around one of my favourite ornaments he has moved! this is the space of less than five mins. i find it relentless but i know ultamately it is i who needs to get a grip...!

OP posts:
WonderingAllowed · 04/06/2014 18:46

How long ago did you and ExH split up? sHow much of an effect would having an angry dad, who he must be a bit afraid of if he calls for you, and who is only around sporadically, have on him do you think?

May be best to tell his dad that if he can't treat him lovingly, then he should not see him at all?

Could he be testing you do you think as you are a safe outlet? Are you a bit negative about him because of his crap father?

emms1981 · 04/06/2014 18:47

Don't have any advice Just wanted to say I have a little boy just like that, he doesn't stop, he's always been a bit of a handful when he was a baby he was nothing like his brother. Cried a lot wouldn't sleep very well ended up in my bed a lot. He is 5 now has a temper and lashes out at me if he doesn't get his own way, he has made me cry before because he's hurt me. I feel guilty too when I seem to spend most of my time telling him off. I've asked if he's ok at school and they said no problem I think he saves it up for home.

alittlebitbockety · 04/06/2014 18:49

Sounds just like my 5 year old. Boisterous highspirited energetic non-stop action from 6 to 8 every day. There are two of us and I am exhausted so well done on coping on your own. I also seem to spend all day going stop, slow down, put that down, don't jump on that, stop kicking. I think it is normal to be resentful when you are tired!!

Not much advice but lots of fellow feeling. The only thing I find helps is lots and lots and lots of exercise for him. In my opinion it is personality and I try to remember that there is lots that is good about high spirits and energy!

pillowaddict · 04/06/2014 18:56

There are lots of techniques to develop attention and impulse control such as delayed gratification games and turntaking games that you can build up to encourage longer periods of waiting - these can be used with children with a diagnosis of adhd but also as a behavioural approach in General- sounds like you are great at saying with him so some.e of these would help?

Squeegle · 04/06/2014 18:59

My DS was like this too. He's 10 now, and is definitely better. Agree re exercise and also 123 magic discipline works quite well. He is quite fun now, but it has taken a while!

SaucyJack · 04/06/2014 19:01

Could he over-stimulated if you're constantly taking him out and playing with him?

MissSmiley · 04/06/2014 19:04

Hi I just wanted to say my oldest son wasn't the sort to sit on your knee quietly at all. He was into everything and v difficult to discipline. He's 11 now and off the grammar school in sept. He is very cuddly now and I really enjoy my time with him. It does get easier I promise.

ThankYouShopkeeper · 04/06/2014 19:09

DS is like this, has been since day 1. Also a lone parent and knackered.

Just try and focus on the good days.

katese11 · 04/06/2014 19:11

Sounds like my ds though at nearly 5 he is getting a bit calmer. He's perfect at school apparently. ..

PlushSuppie · 04/06/2014 19:21

Not what you're asking but having a blind cord hanging is really dangerous. It needs to be attached to the wall, a lot of children have accidentally hung themselves so please get it sorted op.
Apologies if I've misunderstood and it isn't loose.

sezamcgregor · 04/06/2014 19:40

Rocking - I've not read the whole thread, but I could have written your post. In fact I still could. It makes me so sad that even though we go away on holiday or do nice things, I don't enjoy them because I spend half of the time shouting/stressing at DS for not behaving.

I ended up last year with a really shitty teacher who did not want to help DS but just say him as a huge PROBLEM and moved him to a new school. Once there, we were referred to Ed Psyc and school health an got lots of help from SureStart.

Being a single parent is so difficult and you're going to be hit with the Single Parent Stick a lot over this - I did anyway.

I'm having a few niggles about our conflicting views about my parenting, but on the whole have had super support from everyone involved.

We got Behaviour Support to observe DS and they've helped with strategies both at home and on school to help with his behaviour. On the whole, he's much better than this time last year, but it's still not excellent and I still shout a lot, which I am trying to stop.

I think it's important for you to speak to his dad and make sure you're both doing the same things - same boundaries, same rewards, same thing when he's naughty (naughty step?) - it's also not great for DS to see that if he makes dad shout, you'll come and pick him up. You need to be a team with this. My mum was a nightmare with being consistent and following my rules - I stopped seeing her for 2 months and then told her that if she's not working with me, she's working against me, and while she wanted to do that, she could not see us.

ThankYouShopkeeper · 04/06/2014 19:48

seza, that is all very well but what if her ex is a dick? He sounds like it and it is hard to be a team with a dick.

Original poster
Rockingrobin69 · 04/06/2014 20:31

i left my ex h two years ago, he has consistently been inconsistent, sometimes brilliant and involved, and finacially supportive, sometimes the opposite, it tends to be dictated to by who his current girlfriend is. the optimum being when he is single! it got so bad last year that i took him to the csa and they took him to court and i got an access order through a solicitor as he became so unreliable, with large periods of not seeing our ds, last summer for 8 weeks as he was on a string of holidays......id like to shut him out completely but the law says otherwise ......and in recent months since xmas he has made a concerted effort to improve his behaviour.

i feel a huge lot of resentment towards him and his nonchalent attitude towards parenting, he is 7 years older than me and it is this i feel i need to address more so. we lost two babies after ds one very late pregnancy and he has given me a very rough ride, but i need now to accept that and him for what he is, and to be able to parent efficently without beibng sad all the time

thanks for your comments guys they do help :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockingrobin69 · 04/06/2014 20:34

sezamgregor.....i know for a fact he parents differently but what can i do ??? this is the issue, i have to work out to move forward knowing we are not a team and neveer will be and that i will always draw the short straw with DS behaviour becasue of that

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 04/06/2014 21:34

You are doing a brilliant job with your son; you bring him up single-handedly and you feed, clothe and support him; most importantly you don't walk out on him. He is pushing the boundaries because he feels insecure, because of his father, not you. And no one tells you how good you are being; it is not surprising you feel exhausted and resentful. It will get better. It is not fair, but would you really want to be without your son?

missymayhemsmum · 04/06/2014 21:40

He is 4 which is when little boys get a first testosterone surge apparently, lots of aggression, impulsive behaviour and generally bouncing off the walls. So then we send them to school and require them to sit down and concentrate and behave...and they come home and shout and break things and bounce off the walls. Try reducing the 'stimulation' and give him lots of opportunities just to run off physical energy, ideally with some slightly older boys or recruit some teenage bigboy hero babysitters who can run him ragged.

Part of being a lone mum I'm afraid is dealing with the reaction to contact with the other parent. Which is shit when you're knackered and trying to make ends meet. Remind yourself...1. you're doing your best, 2. It's just a phase and 3, your ex is how he is, there's nothing you can do about it, which is why it's great that you don't have to live with him any more. Good luck!

sezamcgregor · 04/06/2014 22:02

Hi Rocking - it is a very awkward situation. The only thing that I can suggest is that if you do seek help, to get him to attend the meetings - hearing from a professional may make him realise how important it is that he helps you be consistent.

Children also know how to play different adults and will know what to do to wind his dad up. It's quite a powerful thing making a grown man so angry and as negative as it is, it's a reaction and that's what DS is looking for.

There's a lot to be said for positive reinforcement. I can't say much more because I find it difficult myself. Where you have ex who's inconsistent, I have my mum and it's a hard battle to fight by yourself. Do t suffer on your own though - speak to SureStart, nursery/school and see what advice and help/support they can offer you

wiltingfast · 05/06/2014 23:56

Also examine your own expectations. Are they age appropriate? The bad behaviour you describe I wouldn't describe as bad at all, just a curious energetic 4yo making a mess. Messes annoy but they don't really matter. Pasta on the floor, so what? Get him involved in picking it up, he moved an ornament?! Put them away if they are valuable or work on teaching him what he can and cannot touch.

We did a parenting course when we were struggling with our ds and it was incredibly useful-Incredible Years. There's a book but it works best if you do thecourse ime. Seems to be recommended all over the world. Check it out.

At least you are conscious your relatiionship with him could/should be better. That is an amazing start :)

Believe in him and work on it, it will get better.

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