Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To show DIL (to be) my plans for her wedding?

47 replies

GotMyHardHatOn · 04/06/2014 14:14

I think I might have got carried away.

DS's fiancee asked if I would like to come with her, DS and her mum to view wedding venues a few weeks ago. They were all just too expensive and she was quite low.

I suggested that they hire the church hall and said I would find out how much that is. She was quite interested in that, so I phoned up and asked. Then I bumped into a friend of mine whose daughter did the same and she told me how much their caterers were and the different options that were available.

Actually I did get carried away because I was buying crafty things for myself when I saw paper/ cards/ ribbons and things in DS' fiancee's favourite colour. I'm a bit of a Pinterest addict so I made a few favours and table decorations with her favourite colour.

Have I gone too far? Should I keep my mouth shut?

OP posts:

NickiFury · 04/06/2014 14:57

As long as the rest of your relationship is good I wouldn't have any problems with what you've done at all, in fact I would be relieved as I am the least crafty and creative person ever. My Mum had carte Blanche at my first wedding as I couldn't really be bothered tbh . I just wanted to be married.

slithytove · 04/06/2014 14:58

Tell her about venue and chat with friend.

Tell her you would be happy to help with wedding plans as much as she likes.

When the day comes that you discuss stationary and favours, then you can tell her that she can avail herself or your crafty skills if she likes - especially if she is showing you the sort of thing that you could make easily. Don't pull out the samples unless she is interested in you making something.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/06/2014 15:00

You sound like a lovely MIL. I think jellie's approach is good ie. "I'm so excited I went a bit mad. What do you think? "
Remembering she might appreciate the opportunity to share other ideas of her own with someone else who's into the whole thing in a big way! (ie with you)
(Not every bride has someone to do this with. It could be fun and a nice way to build your relationship)

cookiefiend · 04/06/2014 15:03

You sound really lovely. I would show her everything. Just tell her exactly what you have told us and then laugh it off- just wanted to show you you can have the wedding you want on a budget- if you need any help I am here, but I don't want you to feel you have to take any of my ideas or think I am some crazy controlling MILzilla. Tell her you will do as much or as little as she wants.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/06/2014 15:04

It's nice that you're excited but you're at risk of putting DIL2B's nose out of joint. Give her the price of the hall and say that your friend has recommended some caterers that she was very pleased with and leave it at that. You could even say she's sent me the sample menu's; let me know if you'd like to see them. The favours stuff just keep to yourself for now. Closer to the time you could offer your services as someone with good craft skills :)

thebestnameshavegone · 04/06/2014 15:06

agree with other posters, all the info you got her about the hall and caterers is great. but leave it there for now.

my MIL, who is generally lovely, made our wedding cake for us. but she really really obsessed about it. it was by far the most stressful part of the whole wedding, when she kept changing what she was going to make and how to decorate it/present it etc. I don't eat cake (egg allergy) and really didn't care but she kept on going on about it. I didn't feel like I could really tell her to calm down as she was doing it all as a favour.

FWIW, the cake turned out to be an absolute triumph and people loved it. when MIL went back to the venue to pick all the bits up the next day, they asked if she had a business card because they thought she did it professionally. she was well chuffed!!!

WilsonFrickett · 04/06/2014 15:06

You sound utterly lovely.

But woah there tiger!

Send or give her the info about the hall and caterers. Then in a couple of weeks send her the pinterest links and say 'Do you like these? You know I like making things, do you want me to see if this is easy or hard to make? Or do you hate them?'

If she likes them, pull out your samples.

And don't make any more for at least a week. Bless you x

Wrcgirl · 04/06/2014 15:08

:) mil was like this, still is but she means it will love and I know so it's ok. But it did make me pull away at first when planning wedding.

Just slowly over a couple of months show her your ideas as though you just had them :) x

MaidOfStars · 04/06/2014 15:09

Church hall/caterer info - fine.
Favours/table dec mock ups - not fine. I wouldn't have responded well to my much adored MIL taking it upon herself to do that.

MaryWestmacott · 04/06/2014 15:10

lord, yes, step back!! are you going to be one of those MILs who buy a whole nursery full of stuff within days of your DIL POAS???

Tell them about the hall and fees and the caterer details. Say that you'd be happy to help make table decorations etc with her if she wants you to and would go with her to a craft shop so she can see the options and decide what she'd like - don't show her what you've already made, that does look like you've made decisions for her.

Deep breath, remember it's not your big day!

MaryWestmacott · 04/06/2014 15:13

oh and another thought, are you sure they were actually interested in the church hall idea? Were they not really hinting at hoping you would offer to pay for the expensive venue??? If it's that, while you shouldn't feel obliged to pay, you should completely step away and not discuss church hall fees, caterers or try to be involved at all until they've made big decisions about venues and budgets.

To do otherwise might make you seem like you are deciding what sort of wedding they should have, which if you aren't paying for it, you shouldn't be involved in.

Step back, let them decide what they can afford (if you're not going to pay) then offer help with details.

Original poster

GotMyHardHatOn · 04/06/2014 15:15

oh and another thought, are you sure they were actually interested in the church hall idea? Were they not really hinting at hoping you would offer to pay for the expensive venue???

No, I don't think so. We couldn't afford that either- well, we could afford it as a one off but we have other DC to think about.

OP posts:

diddl · 04/06/2014 15:18

Tell her you went a bit mad buying stuff so if she wants anything making-place cards, invitations, to let you know.

cutefluffybunnes · 04/06/2014 15:20

I am hopeless at making decorating decisions and would have loved someone else to take my favourite colours into account and make nice stuff! So... for now I would just tell her about the hall rental, caterers, etc and back off.

But once that's all settled, I would tell her that I'm a Pinterest/crafting addict and show her the examples. Let her know that you just do crafts for your own fun and she is under no obligation to take up the ideas.

I would have thrown some money at you and made you do everything...

specialsubject · 04/06/2014 15:41

kind idea and very helpful - but hold fire now. She may just want a venue and a meal and not be bothered about all the rest.

Hakluyt · 04/06/2014 15:49

"My mil to be is fantastic at making things- but she just doesn't seem to be interested at all in our wedding. If she was, the would have offered to make th favours and things, surely. I don't want to ask her- if she doesn't want to that's up to her. But I am disappointed, and I'm beginning to think she doesn't like me"

FreeSpirit89 · 04/06/2014 16:00

Is say show her, my (soon to be) sister in law did the same, it was lovely too feel accepted and the stuff she made was lovely were using it

2boys1girlNoPeace · 04/06/2014 16:11

I think it depends very much on your general relationship with her.
For example, there is a lot of friction between myself and my partners mother, so when she got carried away (including, like you, buying things) I got annoyed as it is too much when she has been slagging me off behind my back for years, before it all came to a head and we confronted her about her horridness! There are a lot of things I cannot forgive her for, and when she doesn't give a monkeys about me any other time, I don't appreciate her coming in and trying to take over especially when she bemoans that her wedding was nothing like she wanted thanks to her own Mil
I don't want ANY of the stuff she was banging on about, not mine or my partners style at all.

HOWEVER, if I had a good relationship with her, and she was picking out things she knew I'd like rather than things she knows I won't then I would think it was really sweet, and I'd appreciate that she just wants to help. Even if I thought she'd gone too far.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 04/06/2014 16:19

Finding out about the hall - great

Hearing a good tip for caterers - not a problem

Making favours off your own bat in what you assume will be her choice of colour scheme because you know it's her favourite colour - really really really bad. Throw them away and please don't mention them.

What that will do is give her the impression - perhaps totally not true, though it's hard to tell from your post - that you are going to be one major overinvolved pushy nightmare. And that will be a huge source of stress - she will be worried, a bit gutted and on the alert for you trying to take over. She will expect there to be trouble and interference. It will sour it.

I have to say, the fact you did get that 'carried away' would say to me a pound to a penny that you actually will end up interfering. I hope not. But it's quite hard to see how someone can get so excited about someone else's wedding.

Remember that. It's another woman's wedding. This is your early alarm bell!

Bicciemoosh · 04/06/2014 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PicaK · 04/06/2014 17:37

Hall and caterers' numbers fine.

Favours - not fine at all. This is something bride and/or the bride's mother sorts out. In the nicest possible way you are taking over.

You could offer to make things if she would like that but presenting a fait accompli is a bit scary. I'd feel like I wasn't allowed to have my own ideas.

Maybe they were hoping you'd contribute financially?!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2014 17:41

Well maybe stick to hall + catering fees for now.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread