Friendship problems with my DD/Best Friend/Another Girl

[bengal38]

My DD and her Best Friend are having problems with another girl (Girl A).
Basically it all started off when Girl A started coming between my DD and her Best Friend and trying to take away my daughter's Best Friend from her. Then it escalated to Girl As mum telling my daughters Best Friends mum that there was a problem with the girls and that they weren't getting on.

Over the Half-Term holiday my DD has been phoning up her Best Friend and my DDs Best Friend has been calling up Girl C but my DD hasn't. Today at school there was a confrontation between the girls in the lunch queue where my DD and her Best Friend had apparently been upsetting Girl C and made her cry calling her mum a liar that she had not been able to talk the Best Friend. They were also shouting in her face. Girl C had before this been telling my DD and her Best Friend that she doesn't like our families.

My DD told me that the Teacher wanted to talk to me after school today and she told me what had happened. I told her what Girl C had said but it has left my DD and her Best Friend upset.

Whilst I am in no way condoning my DDs behaviour I feel that there is right and wrong on both sides. My DDs Best Friends mum said she might call Girl Cs mum to apologise for what has happened but I feel that Girl C is getting away with her behaviour as well.

The Teacher said that she will have a meeting with the Girls to see how things are tomorrow but I also feel that Girl Cs mum is going to see our girls as bullying/harrassing her daughter.

I have spoken to my DD and made her understand and she did apologise to Girl C over what has happened and so did the Best Friend (at the Teacher's request) but Girl C seems to be a bit smug over what has happened as well as when the Teacher was talking to me she kept looking over at my DD in a smug kind of way.

What is the best way to handle this situation? Should I speak to Girl Cs mum if I see her or wait and see if she says something to me first?

The girls are all 9/10 year olds so are in Year 5 at school.

I have a dd the same age who has been accused by a girl of stealing away her BFF.

I tell my girl to be friends with everyone and otherwise keep my nose out. They sort it out themselves and move on.

Your kid and her pal must have been pretty nasty to girl c before the teacher had to have a word.

There were 2 of them yelling in the face of a 9 year old calling her mum a liar.That is bullying/harassment!!! Your DD and her friend no doubt thought uplots of things in mitigation, but the teachers werethere at the time-you weren't so you need to take her word for it.

Are girl A and Girl C the same girl?

if so then I am sorry but it does sound a bit like they are being nasty to this girl.

Why is your daughter's best friend calling girl C (Over the holidays)?

Sorry Girl A and Girl C are the same girl.

My daughter's best friend was calling girl C over the holidays to have a chat about stuff according to her. My DD just told me that she called Girl C over the holidays as well.

I have told my DD to be friends with everyone as has her best friends mum as well.

I am in a similar situation. And my girl c in the scenario with my DD is a manipulative little madam.....just saying! So my advice is from bitter experience- year 5 is a very difficult year friendship wise for girls and therefore take some comfort in that's it's not just your DD. Also you can only really affect (effect?) your DD's world, so be there to listen, support but don't advise to much. Make sure you are ok with her behaviour and then as said above, let them get on with it.

In my threesome troubles my DD is the one left behind as exBff and girl c go off together. I got involved and just made it worse so now I offer a shoulder to cry on, a nodding head to acknowledge the anger and muted advice on making new friends, ignoring upsetting things and essentially getting on with life. All is much better now with DD and school.

Just my take, hope it helps.

It sounds as though your DD's best friend likes girl A/C and wants to be friends with her, but your DD has a problem with it and sees it as 'stealing her best friend away'.

Well that's from what I can make out but to be honest the A/C thing is a bit confusing

I think your DD's best friend's Mum sounds lovely though and I would phone and apologise too if any child of mine treated another child that way.

On my way across the school field today I heard one girl about 9 say to another, who was clearly on the verge of hysterical tears. "Well, perhaps if you apologise to me and Charlotte properly tomorrow we'll consider being your friend again." I resisted the urge to get involved, but I swear to god if my daughter is ever that cruel and bitchy to someone who is supposed to be her friend I will ground her indefinitely.

Can I just also point out that kids often look 'smug' in those situations, because they don't really know what to do with themselves.

"Then it escalated to Girl A's mum telling my daughters Best Friends mum that there was a problem with the girls and that they weren't getting on."

That was no "escalation" but a pure statement of fact. She may not have been aware of the reasons but that doesn't make her wrong.

Girls of that age can be absolutely vile to each other. I think the best thing you can do is to reinforce the notion of trying to be friends with everyone, and behaving decently to everyone you come across, so that if Best Pal deserts her she will have other friends. And then stay out of it. Helicopter Mums who try to meddle are the very worst kind.

To be honest, all three of them haven't been angels but that's nine year old girls for you. It's usually only by being on the receiving end of crap behaviour do we learn not to take part in it ourselves.

do we ever really know what goes on with girl friendships though?

My son is in year 5 and it isn't just girls who are horrible at this age. I have NEVER in all his years of school heard as much nonsense as this year and yes the girls have been unpleasant little madams, one of them saying so many nasty things I am going into the school but the boys have been just as bad. Ages 9 - 10 - bloody nightmare and I have another one to go through it all.

All you can do OP is look after your daughter and try to remember as I am trying that they are in fact still little children at this age, however unpleasant they are being, every single one of them will have their side to the story and their own emotions being affected. It's a difficult stage on the cusp of puberty.

No one can take a friend away from another, that is the pure fact of all of this.

It's getting near the end of term, I found there were always fallings out then, at the end of the school year. Should all be fine next Sept.

Oooh my DD is in year 5 and has had the same! Only she was the one "coming between" two best friends. The thing that was actually happening was that one of the pair liked my DD and wanted a friendship and the other girl couldn't cope with that....saw DD as a threat. So she casued bother by stealing from my DD!

DD has fortunately managed to move on to some nice girls and still remains friendly with the other two...but it's a bad age for it. They're all feeling insecure as High School looms. Also some are maturing faster than others and this causes rifts.

Best thing to do in my opinion is to teach them not to gossip about other girls but to remain positive and try to find something nice about other girls.

They need to support one another...not tear each other apart.

It's getting near the end of term
eh? they've only been back from half term for 2 days!!!

Today was the 1st day back.

My kids finish school 3 weeks tomorrow for summer hols

Basically it all started off when Girl A started coming between my DD and her Best Friend and trying to take away my daughter's Best Friend from her.

People are not inanimate objects that belong to you. You cannot own a person and therefore cannot take people away.

I detest little girls going down the best friend you can only play with me route. I would rather teach my dcs to be friendly and kind to everyone they meet. By being inclusive to all I feel they will form much healthier relationships.

Dd yr4 has struggled with girls saying that they will only be friends with her if she does xyz. I told her to ignore them and play with other dcs.

If someone is horrible to her then it will hurt for a while but it will heal. If she is horrible to others then she has to live with it.

Beyond that I keep well out of her friendships.

It's getting near the end of term
eh? they've only been back from half term for 2 days!!!

Possibly should have said it's getting near the end of the school year

My DCs used to have fall outs in this last term, forgotten by Sept when they went back.

If this was happening in my dds friendships I would be telling her that her friend was also friends with A and that her friend was allowed to be friends with anyone she liked. I would also encourage my dd to widen her friendships.

I think the best friend, wants to be friends with the other girl and that your dd is feeling put out.

Basically it all started off when Girl A started coming between my DD >and her Best Friend and trying to take away my daughter's Best Friend >from her.

As others have said, your DD doesn't own her friend, it is so so unhealthy to perceive girl A as a threat. I'd definitely apologise, and definitely encourage your DD not to talk about 'best friends' but try to be inclusive and kind. I'd also apologise to the other mum, and have girl A over to play some time. The whole best friend thing nearly always goes awry

I agree this other girl should be included and do not condone Bitchy behaviour but why are people saying you should not have a best friend?

It is possible to have a best friend but still include everyone, I have a bet friend from primary school and we truly are that we have other friends and will never exclude and love them dearly, but we have a bond that is just so strong. It may sound corny or childish but it is something I will always treasure.

She is now my Dd's godmother, was my maid of honour and the first person I tell everything too. I don't think it's right to discourage their best friends title just support them in being friends with everyone.

I'd have some concerns that your daughter was phoning girl A/C without your knowledge over the holidays. If she was mine I'd be questioning her very closely to find out why she rang and what she said. Given how she behaved on the first day back at school, I'd be very worried that the phone calls were similar in tone. You definitely need to ring the other girls mother and might have more to apologise for than you think.

I think the difficulty is the interpretation of it all.

As takeiteasy says, the 'taking her best friend off her' is often how it feels, but it might be wise to find a way to spin it so it's less difficult.

I had a similar situation at the beginning of Y1 with my girl and her friendship group. I admit this was easier to manage because of them all being five, but I had the same situation with DD coming home having been told that she's not allowed to play with a couple of girls (B and C). B&C wanted to play with A, DD's best friend, but not her. A, being five, revelled in the attention and quite liked being fought over. B&C, also being five, enjoyed the attention and power.

The way I explained it to DD was that A still loved her, but sometimes in life, people want to get to know other people and perhaps spend some time with them. It doesn't mean she loves DD less - it just means she's curious about all the other people in the world.

The way for DD to deal with it, is to take the time to also explore all the other children. I did encourage this by organising playdates with some of the others, and it turns out that DD is popular and there are lots of cool girls in her class whose company she really enjoys.

As it happens, when A noticed that DD was not that bothered by her absence, she suddenly realised she wanted to join in with the cool girls too, and now the two of them are back to being inseparable, but they're also part of a much wider group of children. This brings the bonus of me having a wider group too. I have to admit, I have no clue how B&C are fairing, but that's their mother's issue rather than mine.

So basically, it wasn't nice in the few days when it all kicked off, but it's ended up being something really positive.

The actual crux of the issue;

my DD and her Best Friend had apparently been upsetting Girl C and made her cry calling her mum a liar that she had not been able to talk the Best Friend. They were also shouting in her face. Girl C had before this been telling my DD and her Best Friend that she doesn't like our families. my DD and her Best Friend had apparently been upsetting Girl C and made her cry calling her mum a liar that she had not been able to talk the Best Friend. They were also shouting in her face. Girl C had before this been telling my DD and her Best Friend that she doesn't like our families.

is something different. Girl C may have said something unpleasant, but your daughter and her friend closed ranks and overreacted to it.

From Girl C's point of view, there may be a very different story. She might not be trying to take DD's best friend, but trying to make a close friend. She might not see it that Best Friend is 'spoken for'. Yes, how she's going about it is clumsy, but she's nine.

From her point of view, it may be much more that she was trying to make a friend or two, she was making headway with this, then suddenly it all started unravelling and in a panic she retreated to being mean, which was then followed by her 'friend' ganging up with another girl and screaming in her face.

Gubbins, seriously? She should phone the other Mother and might have 'more to apologise for' than she knows?
Half the time, these girlhood dramas are elevated beyond a mere spat, by the passionate and sometimes a bit paranoid, over involvement of the parents!