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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropping friends?

29 replies

whynowblowwind · 03/06/2014 13:04

I don't know.

I am/was friends with two ladies. Before having the babies I was a teacher, and I worked with them for two years. We got on very well. This was ten years ago and we've kept in touch: meeting for lunch school holidays mostly.

I had DD in April, and neither have sent a text, rang up or a message on Facebook.

Now the other thing is this. One friend is applying for roles in senior management and has been getting me to write her application letters (some people say I am good at this.) I've also helped them both a lot with marking.

The problem is I don't want to burn any bridges really, as I don't have a LOT of friends.

On the other hand I'm trying not to be a pushover.

How can I handle this situation?

OP posts:
Groovee · 03/06/2014 13:42

Have they only got in touch to get you do to marking or applications? If so I would only reply a few days later.

Or have they not been in touch since dd was born at all?

92littlecat92 · 03/06/2014 13:45

Can you try talking to them about how you feel and if they don't want to know, then drop them?

Burren · 03/06/2014 13:45

What Groovee said -are you saying they entirely ignored the birth of your baby, but have subsequently contacted you to ask you to do them favours?

BellBookandCandle · 03/06/2014 13:47

Maybe don't fret about the lack of messages regarding your new DD......some people are just rubbish at stuff like that. Also whilst your DD is the most wonderful and amazing little person to you and you are probably fit to bursting with pride at having created such a perfect/beautiful little human life, to others she is just a baby.

I think having your DD gives you the time and opportunity to re-evaluate your friendship with these two women. You can explain that you can't help write applications or do any marking as you are busy with a new baby. If they're friends they'll understand ......if not, you have your answer and can start to cut ties whilst remaining friendly but distant

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 03/06/2014 14:37

I know she's "just" a baby.

This isn't a sort of tantrum, my-friends-should-know-DD-is-amazing, it's just sadness at being,well, ignored.

I last saw them when I was heavily pregnant, end of March time. I did my friends letter of application. 2 and a half weeks later I had DD and have had silence since.

I just feel a bit used.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 03/06/2014 14:50

Yanbu, it takes a minute to send a text or even a quick call. It shows that not even a minute could be found to spare a thought. I would be upset too. Maybe keep your distance a bit.
Even though you don't have many friends, do you really want friends like these?

dreamingbohemian · 03/06/2014 14:56

But you've been friends for ten years -- why would you suddenly feel used? I don't think you should jump to any conclusions. Your baby is still tiny, they must know life is a bit hectic right now.

Why not get in touch with them and see if they want to meet up sometime? If they don't respond to that, then you know maybe something is up.

Pumpkinpositive · 03/06/2014 15:04

Irrespective of how "hectic" life may or may not be for a friend with a newborn,I cannot imagine simply ignoring the birth of said friend's child. OP's life can't be so very frantic that she doesn't have time to skim read a text or FB message, can it?

YANBU OP. Sad

Groovee · 03/06/2014 15:08

That's really sad OP. Do they have children themselves?

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2014 15:49

You are being used.

Now you have your DD get yourself out to baby groups (yes, I know!) and anything else going where you can meet new people.

And be very, very busy when the next request for help comes along.

SarahAnderson · 03/06/2014 15:53

Some people don't text or message their friends. I am one of those people. I've never gone for the newsy email or 'hi how's it going' or whatever it is that people send each other. I have people I consider very close friends who I have literally never texted except to arrange logistics when I'm meeting them somewhere. I have lots of friends who I haven't ever texted happy birthday or 'yay you had a kid' or whatever. I want to see people in person, not text them.

I wouldn't take it too seriously if I were you.

SarahAnderson · 03/06/2014 15:55

Oh and - what I really WOULD take seriously is if I asked someone to help me out with a job app and they said no. Friends help friends when they need help! That's something I would NEVER do even to an acquaintance (say no, I mean). If you did that to me I would drop you like a shot.

bringbacksideburns · 03/06/2014 15:59

I'd like to think a friend would aknowledge i'd had a child - i wouldn't think they were much of a friend if they didn't!

Make excuses next time they want you to do job help and marking (!)

And hopefully you will start to make some new friends.

SarahAnderson · 03/06/2014 16:23

I couldn't tell you who congratulated me when I got married. Probably about two hundred people. Honestly, it was totally meaningless and I didn't care. 'Congratulations, you look lovely, I hope you have a wonderful life etc etc etc'. Very very dull and boring to receive and I would not have cared one scrap if my friend hadn't gone through those boring societal motions. Even worse, all those dozens of pointless cards. What a waste of paper and time.

I realise these are not 'grateful' thoughts or whatever but they are my true feelings on the matter. I feel those gestures are totally formulaic and empty, and who cares if people don't do them.

However refusing to do an actual helpful favour for a friend: now that is real snubbing!

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 03/06/2014 16:24

They do have children, yes.

I wish baby groups weren't put forward like they are the magic solution of friendships, though. Or maybe they are and there's something wrong with me? Sad I do take DD to baby groups but it's just chat for an hour. It's nice but I haven't made any proper friends from it.

The days are just dragging on and I never seem to talk to anybody but DS!

OP posts:
Original poster
whynowblowwind · 03/06/2014 16:25

maybe Sarah except I've done them favours and haven't had them reciprocated, or rather, I guess what it is is that they are more important to me than I am to them!

OP posts:
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 03/06/2014 16:52

See, I'm in the opposite camp to SarahAnderson.

The cards I got from friends and family on our wedding day are kept in a scrap book and will always be treasured. We only invited people we really cared about, hence the cards having sentimental value. I'll do the same with a scrap book when I (hopefully!) receive cards for my first child. It's just nice to look back on the well wishes and remember that big moment in our lives.

Even if you're not bothered about cards or whatnot, I'd be really upset if my friends didn't at least acknowledge me having a baby, it's exciting and life-altering and in my opinion should be celebrated / congratulated accordingly. Or at least with a quick message/call to be all weeee, how exciting! about it and ask if you and baby are well. If my friends didn't contact me in some way after I gave birth I would think something was wrong. Maybe that's just me.

If I were you I would cool off a bit for a while. If they get in touch to ask why, then you can admit you felt hurt by not hearing from them. Sometimes people are insensitive without meaning to be and have lots of other stuff going on in their lives - If they knew you were hurt I'm sure they'd be gutted. If they're nice friends that is Smile

mindthegap79 · 03/06/2014 18:08

Yanbu op - this would bug me too.

I agree a bit with what another poster said about baby groups not always being the answer, but my dd is now 3 months and I've made some good friends through groups. Baby massage was good as it was a set number of sessions and a small group so I ended up chatting to the same people evety week. Now that it's over we've carried on meeting weekly.

You could start your own Facebook group of mums in your area meeting up at a set place every week. A friend of mine did this through babycentre and Facebook - that's how I met her.

I even swopped number with a lady I got chatting to in the supermarket the other day. She was pregnant and asked about my pram. Maternity leave is a great opportunity to make new friends IMO.

Bobtailstrikesagain · 03/06/2014 18:17

Yanbu. I agree that it only takes a minute to send a congrats text. If they can get in touch about you helping them or meeting up then surely they can text you that.

I would be hurt too. Unfortunately I have no advice re making friends but if you go to groups etc at least you have the opportunity to do so or have some conversation.

MargotLovedTom · 03/06/2014 19:16

I am pretty gobsmacked at SarahAnderson tbh - what a bizarre and quite frankly shitty attitude. "Don't bother me with your crappy cards and your foolish chatty texts. Don't expect me to indulge in such fripperies, i couldn't give a shit. However when I need to use you, I will click my fingers and you will do my bidding immediately."

MargotLovedTom · 03/06/2014 19:17

Paraphrased of course.

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2014 19:18

I wish baby groups weren't put forward like they are the magic solution of friendships,

They're not. But they get you out. As do the many other social groups there are out there. However, if you are otherwise happy with the other friends you have, then feel free to ignore.

PosyFossilsShoes · 03/06/2014 20:34

I am very, very bad at this type of social communication, and I would at least have "liked" the Facebook "had a baby" announcement & left a comment.

Texts etc though are a minefield, or they are to me anyway. I find text conversations baffling.

I'm not going to say YABU, because I imagine to most NT people you are being entirely reasonable but if that were me, I would be waiting politely for you to be ready to want to see me, rather than (as I would see it) barging in on you with expectant texts in the first couple of months after you've had a baby. (I know I don't always get it right though so I would be checking with someone else if I was making a massive social blooper.)

Rather than them sitting there waiting for you to get back into the swing of things, and you sitting there waiting for them to get in touch, why not contact them and make it clear you are ready for visits? Phones etc work two ways and if you've been friends for ten years, you can ring them up surely? If they're being arses then you'll know, and if they're not then you'll save both of you from sitting waiting for the other and misunderstanding building up on both sides.

Original poster
whynowblowwind · 03/06/2014 20:39

I do see what you mean Posy, I don't know really.

Nanny I wasn't being rude with the comment about baby groups Flowers it just genuinely makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I don't make "friends" at the ones I go to. As soon as someone says they want to make new friends people straightaway suggest hobbies and groups as a way of meeting people and I've just never had any luck.

My confidence is pretty low anyway and so I'm genuinely wondering if there's something about me that turns people off, I can't think what it might be though. I'm quite nice, honestly!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/06/2014 20:44

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. Some people slot into these kinds of things much easier than others. Just because you're all mothers it doesn't necessarily follow that you'll like each other, it's just sometimes it does work.

You could always find a local WI -we're all lovely! (And the groups are getting much, much younger these days too)