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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU dh or I? Wedding related

22 replies

Playmobilpeople · 02/06/2014 22:24

Dh has been invited to a wedding of a work colleague this weekend. He has had the invite for about 1 month.
The plan is for dh and his work colleagues (7 or 8 of them) to meet up and attend the wedding together and I believe to then go out for a few drinks afterwards. (The wedding is of an Muslim gentleman, so no alcohol will be served - hence why the group of them are then going out afterwards I think)
No partners have been invited - I am totally fine about this.

Dh returns home from work today telling me that he is going to go late to the wedding as ds has been invited to attend a football tournament and he (dh) wants to watch him.

I feel he cannot do this and planning to go late to a wedding is disrespectful and rude. He is planning to be late in case ds's team gets through to the final.

Ds's football coach has offered to take and pick up ds so to me, it's sorted. To dh, it's ds's first football tournament (he's 6) and he doesn't want to miss it. In fairness, dh does spend a lot of time taking him to football and also playing football with him as they both enjoy it.

Ds is 6, so I'm sure there will be many more in the future that are worth watching

So who is BU?

OP posts:

ShineSmile · 02/06/2014 22:27

I'm not sure about who is being unreasonable, but may I ask the ethnic background of the friend? I ask because some weddings don't start on time at all (in some cultures), and it really wouldn't be rude to turn up late (as many others will be late too, or the norm is late, if you get what I mean).

HelenHen · 02/06/2014 22:27

You are I'm afraid! He's a proud Dad! The wedding is only a colleague! If he's late it doesn't matter. Your son may always remember him being at the tournament

MoonlightandRoses · 02/06/2014 22:30

Well, I can understand why he wants to see DS play his first match, but agree with you that turning up to the wedding late is rude, particularly as he accepted that invitation first.

I would do either one or the other TBH, but, if he's been invited to the full wedding, then it's a bit short notice to pull out. Maybe ask him how he'd feel if he'd been given 'football match' as a reason for a guest to be late to your wedding?

WorraLiberty · 02/06/2014 22:31

I have no idea who sneaked into my wedding late, because I was too busy getting married

I'm sure his colleague will understand how important it is to your DH, that he goes to the football tournament

CoffeeTea103 · 02/06/2014 22:32

Yabu, his sons first football tournament is more important.

WorraLiberty · 02/06/2014 22:32

Maybe ask him how he'd feel if he'd been given 'football match' as a reason for a guest to be late to your wedding?

How about '6 year old son's first football tournament' as a reason?

I do think he should tell the colleague he may be late though.

Hassled · 02/06/2014 22:35

I think he should either go to the football, or go to the wedding, but not both. Either is completely fair enough, but coming in late to a wedding ceremony does seem a bit disrespectful to me. I don't know if it's any more or less disrespectful in a Muslim wedding ceremony than in say a Registry Office one but he should probably check that out.

Bowlersarm · 02/06/2014 22:42

I agree with you. He had said he would go to the wedding first, and he should stand by that. I understand that he won't like to miss your sons first tournament, but he'll have tons of them if he (ds) stays interested in playing.

I just hate the culture of committing to something, and then pulling out because something better has come along, whatever the something better might be.

Could you go and film your DS? Not the same, but a kind of substitute.

emsyj · 02/06/2014 22:43

Two couples walked into our wedding late and one missed the ceremony altogether and headed straight to the reception. I can't say I really gave a shit to be honest. He should see his DS playing football, his priorities sound right to me - and if he offends his colleague by turning up late to his wedding, that's his problem isn't it? If it was a couple who were mutual friends of yours then you would have an interest here, but given that it's a solo invite and you don't know the guy anyway, I would let him make (and clear up) his own mess.

Original poster

Playmobilpeople · 02/06/2014 22:45

Well - I accept IABU then!! I will suggest dh speaks to the groom and explains. It just feels rude to me.
shine i am not sure about the exact ethnic background of the colleague.

OP posts:

LettertoHerms · 02/06/2014 22:47

I'm with your DH. Your DS trumps a work colleague, and this is important to both of them, little boys often have such a deep bond with their fathers over football.

And no one will care if he slips in late, as long as he's not in the wedding party.

PedantMarina · 02/06/2014 22:47

Agree that it's possible the wedding is a rolling, day-long affair. I've been to a few Indian weddings, and the "work colleague-level guests" weren't expected to be there throughout.

Original poster

Playmobilpeople · 02/06/2014 22:49

I would let him make (and clear up) his own mess
This is how I will view it.
Thanks for that perespective.

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 02/06/2014 22:55

if he was his sisters wedding or something i might think it a bit rude but a work colleague? i think yabu. his sons first football tournament is way more important. my dd has never done a performance in school or with clubs without me being there for her. she trumps everything in my book and if someone found that rude personally i wouldn't care.

nomorequotes · 02/06/2014 23:19

YABU but only because it is entirely up to him what he wants to do.

MrsJossNaylor · 02/06/2014 23:28

As someone said upthread, it may be the sort of occasion where nobody is expected to show up on time anyway. DH and I went to a Muslim wedding a couple of years ago and bust a gut to get there for 2pm, as the invitation said, after being stuck on the motorway.
When we got there, we were stunned to discover we were among the first arrivals. Most people rocked up at 4 or 5pm....

Hazchem · 03/06/2014 04:35

The only Muslim wedding I've attended we were invited 4 days before because we happened to bump into the groups. the party was in full swing when we arrived and we were welcomed with open arms.

meganorks · 03/06/2014 05:06

I think YABU. But he should tell his colleague. I would totally understand if someone was going to be late to my wedding for this reason. But I would want to know what time so I didn't end up paying foe a wasted meal. This might not be an issue for this wedding but think it would be rude not to check.

Maybe think who would notice or care more if he is not there? Colleague at the wedding I doubt will notice a late arrival. But your son definitely will notice and remember if dad isn't there.

chutneypig · 03/06/2014 05:48

I'd say YANBU. He agreed to go to the wedding first and should stick to that. That's the policy I have with the children and birthday parties.

Crinkle77 · 04/06/2014 16:48

I think it is quite nice to see that he is putting his family first. You see so many threads on here about selfish fathers that it's nice to read about a dad who sounds so committed.

gointothewoods · 04/06/2014 16:55

4 of us completely missed a good friend's wedding ceremony for a number of valid reasons/ delays. We just slipped into the crowd outside the church and made noises about the lovely ceremony and the beautiful occasion and I swear she actually thought we had been there, she was so high on love (or whatever) that she genuinely didn't realise we had missed the whole thing.
I think your DH should just tell his colleague that he will be a little late and leave it at that.

StarGazeyPond · 04/06/2014 16:58

If he turns up late he will get what most blokes want: football and then a piss up

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