To want to move DD (nearly 8) to another school because she has very few friends...?

[josben]

I am so down about it, she has struggled with friendships since she started in reception, and has additional TA help as she has mild learning difficulties/developmental delay... She basically stands in the queue for her class in the morning and no other children speak to her.... In fact some of the girls will ignore her if she says hello. I left the playground in tears this morning.

I know she is young for her age and a lot of the girls in her year act much older than their years. I just don't know what to do for the best. DD is happy at school and loves her teachers but i know she does not really have any mates, she rarely gets party invites and when i ask who she has sat with at lunch its usually with the year 2's (she is in year 3)

I am not saying that she is perfect, I know that she has a temper and she used to struggle with taking turns etc... so this may be why she is not included in friendship circles, she does have one friend that blows hot and cold and so that isn't great.

DD has 2 older brothers and so I am used to boys friendships which are fairly straight forward apart from the odd scuffle! :)

Sometimes I wonder if it is because she has older brothers and not sisters that she struggles with friendships, or is it something that i am not doing to help her nurture a circle of friends,...?

I don't know what to do ... I have had various girls back for playdates but DD doesn't have many invites back.

So I am now thinking of putting DD in to another school to 'start afresh' although I am not sure that would necessarily be good for her educationally...

Sorry for waffling , thank you, if you have managed to stick with me this far :)

When DD was 7 she only had one friend because she was very shy and this "friend" had pretty much swooped in and alienated DD from her other friends when they were both 6. She was a very manipulative hot cold little girl who would tell DD she had to play with her or she would get DD into trouble and one minute would be nice and the next minute she'd be mean.

This lasted for nearly 2 years and it was hard! We got DD involved in all sorts of activities outside of school and gradually she started making friends at these activities- good enough friends to have round to play which gave DD a bit of confidence.

DD also started playing with some of the boys in her class rather than the girls which this other girl seemed to consider to be off limits to DD. The boys didn't pay any attention to this girl and happily let DD play with them.

Finally, most of the problems happened in P2 when she had a teacher who turned a blind eye to everything that was happening. In P3 her new teacher quickly realised what was happening and gently guided DD towards other groups of girls and made sure she was included. By the end of P3 DD was a changed child and now at the end of P4 she's unrecognisable to the shy thing she was in P2 and has lots of lovely friends.

So, I posted all of that and it's not much help to you! If things hadn't turned around by now we would have switched DD to the school her DB attends so I wouldn't rule out changing schools but you might want to see if you can build up some friendships in other places first?

What did the school say when you spoke to them about it? What strategies have they tried ie Circle of Friends, nurture groups, ELSA etc? Who does she play with at playtime/lunchtime? What does the school do for children who are along then?

For me, I would want to know everything possible had been done at her current school to help her make friends before moving her, otherwise you're more likely to just take the problems with you.

If she struggles with friendships and she's happy, I can't see any benefit to moving her. There are no guarantees that she'd automatically make friends in a new environment, and there is the potential for it to be even worse.

What do the school staff say when you talk to them about it?

Thanks for your posts,... I have spoken with school about it at DD's IEP meetings and also to DD;s teacher after school. They have suggested inviting friends for tea, the SENCO said that she would put a photo of DD up for the midday staff to look out for DD. But she also said that some children are loners! :(

I agree that there would be no guarantees that she would make friends in a new school, but i wonder if it was a smaller school or smaller classes it might be better...?

My friend did this with her DD after her first year at school. She was quite young for her year and had developed a couple of friendships that were a bit unhealthy with her being dominated by the other girls. Going to a new school meant she got to start afresh so it can work.

However, it is a big step to make. Does she have any outlets to mix with other children to try to build a wider network such as Brownies or Cubs?

IME, small year groups are worse. DD 1 doesnt make friends, at all easily.

At primary her only real friend was the geeky Dr Who fan boy in the year below (at 16/15 they can still chatter for hours if their paths cross).

If you don't fit in for a clear reason, sadly, that clear reason follows you (DD is dyslexic and doesn't quite pick up social cues, she doesn't quite see how to fit in or why she'd want to).

If your DD is reasonably happy, I wouldnt move her, especially if the school handle accademic stuff well.

It's horrible seeing them on their own, but I always was and still am the outsider too. For very much the same reasons as DD1.

She and I both found friends as we got higher up secondary and I have found a small number of special people as an adult.

I did this with my DD at the same age, because she had no friends, no party invites or anything. I knew it wasn't her because at her previous school she had lots of normal friendships.

Moving her was the best thing I did and within a couple of days she slotted into a friendship group and started getting invited to things.

BUT...

I know of a child with developmental delay who struggles with friendships. She doesn't seem to notice, but her mum does. This mum that I know is in quite a bit of denial about the DDs developmental delay, and doesn't realise that the other children in the class, whilst caring for the girl, are unable to form real friendships with her as she is like ' a baby ' to them. They look after her and help her, but they don't treat her like the other children, more like a younger sibling.

Not saying that this is what's going on in your case OP. But it's something to think about.

I wouldn't move her unless you think its a bad school. my ds1 was always a bit of a loner in primary. he still is in a way but is busy with choir, sports, band etc - so he fills his time with group activities but has few 1 to 1 relationships. Although that said he has suddenly at almost 13 got a girlfriend, interestingly someone he's know since reception (when I thought he had no friends!)

I wouldn't recommend a smaller school. Where I come from there are lots of tiny village schools and socially it is a bit of nightmare. You just have fewer kids and IME less chance of finding someone you really gel with. The one other girl in my class was so huffy it was exhausting but there was no real choice of anyone else and going to a much bigger secondary school was a pretty tough adjustment. Much as I would love to live someone rural while the DCs are small(ish), it's the small schools that really put me off.

If she's happy at school and loves her teachers, I think it might be a risk that's just not worth taking.

Who knows, a new child could start at any time and they might become firm friends. It does happen.

I agree with the poster who suggested Brownies or Cubs. Are there any clubs outside of school that she might be interested in?

Also, does her school tend to mix the classes up every couple of years?

If so, she may be in a class with different children come September and firm friendships often spring up that way too.

That's a good point made by Worra - since my DD's school mixed up the classes she has been much more settled. I find there isn't that much mixing between classes in the playground (unless the kids knew each other really well outside school) and so changing the classes around meant exposure to a whole new social circle for DD.

The school are failing her. They need to put in social strategies which they obviously have not done. My older DD now in year 5 had this in year 3 when she arrived as a newcomer to her school.

Her class teacher implemented a thing where she organised circle games...the old fashioned type at playtime and ALL the kids wanted to join in. She then quietly made my DD "the games master" the first few times...this meant that DD had the cards which said who played which role in each game...so if they were doing "The Farmer in the Dell" then DD had the cards to hand out to make someone the Farmer....etc.

Then someone else would have a turn at being Games Master and they all learned those great classic games....so then, for weeks after they were played even without the teacher's help and my DD was confident enough to join in as she knew the rules.

I see why you're thinking to change schools but choose very carefully...a small school would be better perhaps...my DDs school has under 200 kids which does make a difference.

Does she do any activities outside of school? Sometimes that is good for confidence and making new friends outside of school can also be helpful.

MrsWinni is right - the school have to actively manage this and put in strategies to help her. DS had a small friendship circle thing, one day a week for a term, where they tried out new games and everyone got house points for joining in, which helped break down a few barriers. There are lots and lots of different techniques they can use.

If they're not willing to do this or to support her properly then yes, I would consider changing, but don't underestimate the impact this could have on her. We changed school because of a housemove and DS basically froze for a year .

The playing with younger children is completely common btw and not something to worry about at all - that is one good thing in our new school, most classes are composite and they all run around together so DS can happily play with younger children.

The thing that really nailed it for him though was Minecraft - which is the big playground craze atm. Worth finding out what everyone is 'in to' and letting DD become the master of it!

Finally (sorry, mega long post) - is DD happy? Something that has been difficult for me to understand is DS isn't like me - I am madly social and have millions of friends. DS is often happy on his own, or with one or two others, and his friendships aren't as deep as mine were at that age. And that's fine - I had to learn to stop projecting my experience and expectations onto him.

If she is happy at school I would not move her.

Hi there so sorry you and your daughter are having a difficult time. Does your dd have the right support for Sen? I ask because the right academic, social and pastoral support should be enabling her to overcome barriers to inclusion etc. Maybe it's worth speaking to the senco?

Does she already have a statement or is the TA support given under school action?

I ask because it might be possible to add strategies to help her social difficulties into a statement and force persuade the school to help her in this way. There are things e.g. circle of friends that school could be doing to help. If they are unwilling then I would question the suitability of that school for a child with special needs anyway.

In our experience moving school is not a magic solution to this problem. Infact in our case it probably made it worse - we moved from a smaller to a larger school. If you can find a school that has a good reputation of supporting special needs children then maybe but not otherwise.

A different perspective here. I was quite solitary as a child. Sometimes shy but more usually just happy with my own company. I used to enjoy sitting with imaginary friends or reading books. Sometimes I played with the other kids too. I don't think you should be sad that she might be a loner. Anyway, I enjoyed school and would not have wanted to move schools.

So I think you should just carry on as you are, you sound like a fantastic, caring mum, just listen to her, encourage play dates, talk to her teachers and only think about moving her if she becomes unhappy.

My dd was like this last year in year 1. She was 'friends' with a girl that was bullying her and isolating her from the other kids. I worked really hard at breaking the friendship and all it did was make it harder for her as she is quiet and shy, and she couldn't seem to form another firm 1 on 1 friendship.
She's in year 2 now and a new girl joined the class earlier this year and they are now joined at the hip. The transformation is amazing! She is so much happier.