prob BU but if you're a calm person, how do you deal with LOUD ILs and babies?

[TremoloGreen]

I accept from the outset that I'm probably being unreasonable and intolerant. However, I'm feeling quite on edge after a 4-day visit from PIL regarding the way they act around 1yo DD. I'm naturally quiet, quite laid back and VERY introverted so I find it quite difficult to deal with people who are loud and in your face anyway. If you have the same problem, how do you cope with this?

They will be here all day and spend the whole time shouting in DDs face, never just letting her play or do things at her own pace. Example:

IS THAT A BLOCK? IS THAT A RED BLOCK? GIVE IT TO DADDY. CAN YOU GIVE IT TO DADDY? GIVE IT TO DADDY. GIVE IT TO DADDY!! GOOOOD GIRL. GOOOD GIRL!!!! WHAT'S THIS NOW? WHAT'S THIS!!! BLUE BLOCK. BLUUUUE BLOCKKKK!!!!

But for hours and hours. DD kind of enjoys all the excitement at first but quickly gets tired and overwhelmed. When the tired crying starts, MIL will pick her up and instead of soothing and being calm, continues shouting in her face and using distraction (waving things in her face etc) to try and calm her down, which of course makes it all worse. Also she always seems to think DD is ill and tells me that she's crying because of wind/cold/a likely ear infection/teeth.

I actually really like PIL as people and we get on pretty well so this isn't about me having a problem with them in general. I just want a way for our interactions as a family to go more smoothly and be more enjoyable for everyone. DH sometimes intervenes but isn't as sensitive to it as me (he's more used to the level of intensity I guess, having grown up with them) and isn't as finely tuned in to DD's needs. Also, they always want to babysit and take her out, which is a very welcome break for us, but I do worry about what happens if DD gets upset when we're not there.

You need to simply take her away from the action now and then and say "That's enough excitement for now! Time for quiet time." and walk off into another room with her.

When she ges to the point of it causing distress why on earth don't you just say "leave her alone now please she needs some peace"

I don't have any suggestions, I'm afraid - just buckets and buckets of sympathy as a fellow person with the same issues. PIL are incredibly loud and have a need to verbalize absolutely everything. It drives me absolutely insane and I end up shaking and close to tears after a day. I think a four day visit is absolutely heroic.

Recently, MIL came at BIL's dog in the same way she does with kids - it is like a screaming missile entering the kitchen bellowing 'AWWWHELLODOGGYDOGGYDOGGYDOGGY' (at the top of her capacious lungs) - and the dog bit her in response. I felt gleeful, and then very guilty for feeling gleeful.

Watching this thread for advice.

No idea, sorry! I feel exactly the same as you. I cringe when my PIL click their fingers in my baby's face. Less than an inch from their face.....over and over again.....to distract DD from crying.......it's the clicking that's made her cry!! Aarrgghhhh!
I'd be interested to hear if anyone has a strategy to help you. I've just ended up trying to ignore it. I've ony ever had to do a few hours....4 days might have sent me over the edge! I always go home with a headache.

Hi, yes, I do whisk her away when she gets distressed. I have also tried broaching the subject of generally being calmer around her so she doesn't get wound up in the first place - several times. It's kind of in one ear and out the other with them though and I suppose it's quite hard to change the way you naturally are.

isabella yy to constantly verbalizing everything!! When they leave and the quiet descends I sometimes want to cry with joy. Then I feel terrible.

Oooh fivepies, you have brought back the deeply suppressed memory I have of step MIL thinking she could stop my newborn DS from crying by clapping her hands repeatedly an inch from his nose. For ages. It really didn't work.

my mum's step family are really loud. We both end up doing the same thing in response which is to gradually get quieter and quieter as we talk. Neither of us noticed we were doing it until my dad pointed it out. Presumably it's a subconcious 'please notice what we're doing and stop shouting' (they never have)

Similar issues here. I learned a long time ago to completely tune in laws out, so when they speak all I hear is 'lalalalalala'. As long as I smile and nod occasionally they are so self absorbed they don't notice. When DD was born her crying cut through my tuning out and I would just get up and take DD away. Because I hadn't been 'present' mentally up to that point I found it much easier to not feel bad when I took DD.

Now the DCs are older I have taken up more qualifications so I can 'study' when they visit. Translated : I go upstairs and watch iplayer at 8pm on my bed in peace and quiet. I take myself off during the day too (often the DC join me ) during their visits otherwise I start to buckle under the strain. How is it possible for people to talk so much and say so little?

Tremolo It drives me CRAZY. It is like a duet where my MIL feels that she has to give an account to the world of every thought that goes through her head, while FIL chunters anxiously over the top about the price of fuel these days and the history of the A38. Occasionally they will stop to ask a question, but it will be EXACTLY THE SAME QUESTION they already asked 40 times.

To all those who say 'Just explain to them' - what you need to understand about this brand of in law is that they simply WILL NOT listen - it is not that they can't, it's that they deliberately do not want to hear. I am convinced that they don't really care whether they are causing problems, because it's about them enjoying themselves and being able to do whatever the hell they want, when they want.

Oh and I have to vent - the Good girl thing really grinds my gears as I don't subscribe to reward/punishment, good girl/bad girl stuff to guide DDs behaviour. I just don't agree with that. Also everything is followed by a loud exclamation of "IN'T IT??" which I find annoying because I'm a massive snob who thinks it helps to use Standard English around infants who are learning to talk. They're both capable of using Standard English by the way and I have never heard them use the phrase "in't it" in any other context when talking to anyone else.

I could have written your OP, I get what you means visits and endless loudness can feel quite physically draining can't they?

You can't change people though its good for kids to learn to be around different kinds of people.

Are you being all polite when you explain it to them?

Ever tried this "stop that now it is winding her up"

Tremolo, I suffer too. My Dd's are 6 and 7 now and we dread the weekly after school visits. Last week my youngest put her hands over her ears and said "nanny, indoors voice please!". Priceless. They bring a bag of plastic crappy toys and loads of sweets each week. The girls are told to "ask mummy if you can have the sweets now or for your tea" They are very typical with an overbearing mil and a grumpy fil. I also know that they won't get any better, care anymore than they do now for our feelings/wishes or give a shit ! My DH calls them Frank and Marie (everybody loves Raymond prog). Mine have older teenager grandchildren also and forget that ours are still young so family gatherings are a cringeworthy mix of their opinions on education, single mothers, anyone who has more than 2 children etc. Last family meal mil started to ask the older ones if they remembered when they realised that Father Christmas wasn't real! Luckily our dd's were distracted by the dog (feel sorry for him too) and didn't pick up on the conversation. Nightmare. They won't live forever though will they?......

Awwwww my parent are a little bit like this but they don't mean any harm and DS absolutely loves it. They love him to bits and don't see him very often as we live overseas so have very shouty Skype calls. I'm quite a quiet person (weirdly) so it's quite nice for DS to have some shoutiness for a change.

As long as you don't communicate your distaste for their behaviour to your children - everyone is different.

When it gets too much though I agree taking her off to another room for a quiet cuddle is nice. If your DD is anything like my DS she will probably make it clear she really wants mammy which gives you the perfect opportunity to whisk her off.

My ILs are like this! MIL will be singing seventeen verses of The Wheels On The Bus at top volume, MIL and FIL yelling over the top of one another to compete for her attention... It's just an endless onslaught of noise whenever we're there.

Problem is, DD is always so distracted by them, she won't eat a single thing all day. The amount of times I've had to tell MIL to leave DD alone for five minutes because she's trying to have a poo in peace

I know they love her dearly, but I wish they'd calm the fuck down.

We moved to Germany...

Diving, and then they fuss because she won't eat! It's not my ILs, it's my half-siblings. I adore them and the fuss they make over DD (2 yo), but the flip side to the constant attention and playing is that DD gets to the point where she's fed up of being picked up and carried around - every visit is a constant chorus of 'DSis, put DD down. She's 2, she wants to walk herself. Yes, I know she just hit you, naughty DD, no, you don't hit. Say sorry to DSis. But DSis, please just leave her alone for a little bit - you're annoying her.' DSis is 7, and if she leaves DD alone then DSis aged 10 jumps in, or DB aged 12. Or Dad, or my stepmum, because they haven't had a cuddle for ages.

And my stepmum is constantly feeding DD, and then wonders why she won't eat any dinner! And then she offers to make different things for her - will I make her some pasta? Or some mashed potato? It's no bother! Me: No, she's fine, she's just a bit overexcited and she probably won't eat it if you make it, so please don't bother. DSM: It's no bother, look, I'll just put a potato on for her! Then DD doesn't eat it anyway, because she had biscuits/banana and milk an hour ago.

I'm a calm and laid back person, hence other people not being don't wind me up!