To not change access agreement that ex says doesn't suit him because it suits me?

[D0oinMeCleanin]

Ex turned up on my doorstep this morning with dd2. The school shirt he had picked with her had shrunk in the wash. She needed another one. It was 8:18am, I live literally 3 minutes, at dd2's pace, from the school. She left with a fresh shirt at 8:30am, the doors open at 8:45am, so they were not late, although I am happy for him to leave dd1 in charge of dd2 and leave the playground before the doors open if he needs to, there is a TA on yard duty from 8:15am.

Ex informed me that our arrangement does not work for him. We will need to change it. He was going to be late for work and does not have time to take them to school on a morning. When we were together he never left for work before 9am.

The arrangement we have atm says he has them every Tues, Wed and Thurs one week (although they normally opt to spend Thursday with me) and Fri, Sat, Sun (again the opt to spend Sat with my mum or sister, dd1 sometimes spends friday there too) the next week. This fits in nicely with the new shift pattern I organised at work.

I cannot afford to give up work. Surely my job is as equally important now? If not more important considering he pays no maintenance and often asks me to give them dinner on his days because he can't afford to feed them. I collect them from school on his days and keep them until he finishes work. He agreed to this arrangement in the first place.

AIBU to tell him if it causes problems with him getting to work that's his tough shit, he'll have to sort that out with his employers?

I just don't get that, whatever5. Are you suggesting that it would be appropriate for the OP to 'pay' for any child maintenance her ex contributes, by restricting her own sleep in order to meet his childcare needs? Really?

No, I'm not suggesting that anything would or wouldn't be appropriate.

"If I was any kind of mother I'd be bothered about the financial ruin I have left their father in hmm and I'd be bothered about causing him problems at work hmm and I'd be bothered about him living in squalor"

I think the point he is missing here is that you are not a poor mother, you are simply not his mother.

STand your ground on this one, he can drop them at school at 8:15am, if that's still too late for him, he can arrange childcare, that's his problem and his responsbility to pay for (on top of maintenance, not out of the maintenance money). You aren't interested in his problems.

If he stops paying or reduces payments, then go to CSA.

I'm really not understanding why he can't get to work on time, even if he is incapable of getting them ready in time, unless his working hours have changed since I lived with him 3 weeks ago, he doesn't need to leave until after 9am.

When I was with him, there were two people employed in the same role. One of them, only one, had to be in the office from 9am. They took turns, one would be in early the other could go in at 10am.

There is nothing stopping ex pestering his co-worker with his issues and asking if he can have the late starts when he has the kids on a school night and do the early starts the rest of the time, it's just easier for him to expect me to sort his shit for him, like always.

I will not be backing down on this. He agreed it when I left, he can stick to it. If he can't cope, this his issue.

FFS. He's just been round again. He has a habit of finding excuses to turn up on an evening, probably because my house is clean and welcoming and the rats are moving out of his place in disgust.

I now need to "play having the kids by ear" for the next few weeks, because his uncle, who has terminal cancer, has taken a turn for the worse. Which is heartbreaking, it really is. I like his uncle he is a lovely man who truly does not deserve this and cancer is a bastard. But it does not mean that ex gets to opt of being a parent for the week. Of course I will have the children for the funeral, I wouldn't dream of not having them for something like that, but I cannot afford to take the week off work so he can drink himself stupid for a week.

I was then informed that he is going away for a week in September. Fine, says I, but you'll need organise childcare for your days because I have rent and bills to pay. My job might not be as well paying as yours but is more important to me than yours or your holiday because it is what puts food on my table.

He then asked what if he met someone else, I can't just expect him to have the kids all the time if he is in a new relationship. Um, yes I can you fucknut, they are your fucking kids.

If I'm going to start being like that then he might have to start pointing out that dd1 is not his and he has no responsibility towards her. I am sure dd1 would barely even notice if he disowned her, however he does have a responsibility to dd2. He does not get to opt of parenting her when it suits him.

He can disown dd1 if he likes, she'll get over it fairly quickly. She is pretty self sufficient, so finding over night childcare for her alone is far easier than finding it for both of them.

I'm beginning to wonder what I ever saw in this "man". I'm also looking for a new job with more child friendly hours. He can stick his "parenting" up his arse. My girls deserve better than that anyway.

Bet it was cathartic getting all that out

Yes, yes it was, although punching him in the face would have been more cathartic, but knowing him as I do, he'd have gotten great satisfaction out of telling people how violent I am and how he worries for his children that he loves so much, having to live with me. He really does love them you know? So much so that he tries to wriggle out of seeing them at every given opportunity.

He is so used to you picking up the slack (and there was plenty to pick up ) that he wants you to carry on doing so. Good for you for getting angry and standing your ground. I imagine its much easier to say no to him now you aren't together because you don't have to play happy families anymore. You can take a step back and say what does or doesn't work for you.

Oh

Posted too soon!

Oh D0on, he is a nobber.

There is a certain type of ex who starts off demanding to see the dcs at least 50:50, until it occurs to them that this means actively parenting the children for half the time.

My ex started off demanding that, I agreed (thought I was doing the right thing), then it became "actually they're not fitting in with my social life, I don't want them these nights", again, fine I said. By a year in we were down to every other weekend, and now it's even less than that.

Finding a job that fits with the dcs is sensible. I can see your contact reducing the way mine did.

And now people say, "why does he see them so little?!" In an accusing way, and I have to say "because he doesn't want to see them more often, they don't fit with his lifestyle.

They are trophy children now. He parades them around a few times a year to show off how amazing his dcs are (and they are amazing, mainly due to how little an influence he now is).

Please don't clean his kitchen for him. I know you're doing it so that the dcs have somewhere safe to eat, but it will never change if you do it for him. I'm not sure what to suggest, he needs an outside agency to point out the health risks. Untidy is fine, but filthy is not.

Hope he wakes up before he ruins his relationship with the dcs, the way mine has.

I believe he is responsible for 'the children of the marriage' which includes DD1.....I'm not exactly sure on this SO CLAIM.

As you say all the other problems and excuses are HIS not yours. Try and not give then headspace, you dont need to work out why he cant ask co-workers etc.

You need to do the broken record thing...every time. personally I wouldn't answer the door to him

You also need to reiterate your house is yours...his is his. It would be best if you both stuck to your own

First of all Go DOOin!

I understand why you want to ensure the kitchen's fit for your dds to go into, but there must be another way of getting it cleaned than you doing it for him?

Has it reached the point that Social Services would be interested in child neglect allegations? After all, if you're sharing residency at the moment, that's their home half the time?

Bollocks- he just doesn't want to get up in the mornings and get them ready
He can't deal with the responsibility
What a tosser

Gah! he's at it again.

I sent socks with holes in, apparently this warrants torrents of abusive text messages, threatening to stop seeing his children and thus stop me working.

I replied telling him if he is unhappy with our arrangement he needs to see a solicitor re set contact and maintenance and to stop sending me silly, threatening messages.

He still has control over my life and he knows it. If he refuses to have them overnight I'm fucked and can't work and thus cannot manage my rent.

I'm setting off to the job center shortly in search of better jobs, then I am sorely tempted to stop contact at all and let him go through a solicitor. I don't need this.

Yes his house is SS bad but there is only me allowed in, so he'd know it was me and I need him to play nicely while I find a new job.

You handled it well. You could point out that socks are sold in shops not magically produced by you in some arcane ritual and so if he thinks the children need new socks he, as one of their parents, can bloody well go and buy some.

Good luck with the job hunt.

re: children of the marriage - I looked into this when I left DH as I brought up my step daughter for 4 years (and wanted to have regular contact)... I was told that with no PR, I would have to apply for contact etc the same as a grandparent for example, would be likely to get it but no specific parental rights... and that extended to no parental responsibility to pay either.

Please don't clean his kitchen... STBXH is sooo filthy and I hate it it's unhygeinic and horrendous - I have taken pictures and I make him clean it before he has DS every other weekend or he has to have him at his mums - no matter how inconveinient it is for him.

good luck to you. it's a shit.

I was very tempted to reply "You should be careful telling me you don't want to see your children. I might just take you at your word one day and refuse contact altogether" but decided it probably was not sensible.

Job center didn't have much. I asked about going on income support, I'd lose about £100 per week but would get free school meals and wouldn't have pay to any rent or council tax, so in reality would only be around £50 a week worse off, which is do-able, but wouldn't be easy.

If I am forced to leave my job because of childcare arrangements I'd be entitled to it straight away. At least now I know where I stand if he does decide to be dick before I find a better job. We'd manage. Just.

Good you know you'll manage if he does pull a stunt like that.

Keep looking, also worth using your network, let your working friends know you are looking for a new office hours job, and could they let you know if they hear of anything, possibly update your CV and ask if they'll take it in to their HR departments or if their DH's would take in to theirs. Most jobs never make it to the job centre.

You do know you can get up to 70% of your childcare costs covered by WTC and you can use any ofstead registered child carer.

Just take him at his word and book some that way you remove any control over you at all that he has

Can you get childcare up to midnight? I'm not sure I'd like someone being alone in my home with my dogs, they might undo my training. I've only just started to get them sorted after ex.

I think looking for a school or office hours job is my best bet.

Childminders can do overnights if they want as can nannies.

As long as they are registered you can get the help