to feel cross with my Dad? I probably am.

[EyelinerQueen]

My parents live in Ireland. I live in England. My sister lives in Spain.

My Dad is semi-retired. Him and my Mum last visited us in England 2+ years ago for a weekend.

My Dad last visited my sister in February this year for a month.

I just spoke to him and he's flying to Spain again tomorrow to stay with them again for 3 weeks.

I'm pissed off. I've had a shit year with my health and am 32 weeks into a complicated pregnancy. I'm due in July and my parents have booked a weekend (Fri-Mon) to visit.

I can't help but feel like my Dad is putting my sister and her kids before his other children and grandkids.

I don't get on brilliantly with my sister (who has form for being a selfish, demanding and rude madam) but that's a whole other thread.

I know I'm being U. He's a grown man who has already raised his kids and is free to go wherever he wants whenever he wants. I would never say anything to him about it. I promise I'm not entitled and I don't have any expectations of my parents and am glad they love DD so much and have such a nice time with her when they do see her.

I just feel a bit like the proverbial chopped liver .

I'm terrified of my impending birth, have a wonky thyroid that is affecting my moods massively and am feeling very lonely and isolated. It's just me, DP and DD in this city. No family or, if I'm brutally honest, friends either . We don't even have anyone to look after DD when I give birth.

IABU aren't I. Bah.

EyelinerQueen - one thing I would suggest with regard to friends is looking at whether there's a pattern in the kind of relationships you tend to build, and looking at perhaps approaching it a different way.

I say this not as a personal criticism, but as something I have had to learn myself. A while back, I had an accident and I suddenly realised that I had no real friends - just a series of extremely needy people who took up all of my time. It was completely one-sided: they were simply not there to help me when I really needed it, though they repeatedly drew on my time and energy in very intensive ways. I started to spend time differently, and especially to draw some boundaries, and simply creating that space meant that a whole bunch of wonderful, new people came into my life, without my really having to do anything.

I really fear rejection, and putting myself 'out there' feels very vulnerable indeed. I come across as very independent as a result: I am emotionally open, but I am not good at 'needing' people and asking favours - I prefer to give rather than to receive (in fact, I find people doing things for me very moving and I fear bursting into tears). Realising that this is an issue and that it is standing in the way of healthy relationships has helped me a lot.

Another thing that often gets ignored on these threads: a lot of the time, parents respond to what's most obvious and in front of their eyes, but that's actually not always where the real need is. Unfortunately, it often means that the person who is the most emotionally incontinent and selfishly demanding gets all of the assistance, and the needs of someone who is perceived as more competent and self-contained get ignored. I don't know the best way of dealing with this, except perhaps raising it gently and kindly with your parents.

Thank you for those posts seza and isabella. Lots to think about.

Just to clarify. My sister is older than me and much more 'sorted'. She has always been a straight arrow (school - uni - wedding - career - house bought - babies). She has a very very supportive family of in laws. She is much more one of them than one of us now. By her own admission she is now 100% Spanish and struggles to even remember how to speak English. When my Dad is visiting she doesn't allow him to go downstairs before the children get up in case the noise wakes them. My Dad has got up at 5am for the last 40 years. He loves to make himself a cup of tea and sit and read in silence in the morning. But no he has to stay in his room till they all get up at 9am.

I've always been a bit more of an unconventional fuck up underachiever. Much more intelligent but incapable of applying myself and far too susceptible to self sabotage and loneliness. Dropped out of uni. Never achieved my full potential. On the plus side our house is much more welcoming and relaxed and we always prioritise having fun and lovely food and wine over rigid schedules.

I think I will have a word with him btw.

He is a kind and gentle man. I'm sure he will understand where I'm coming from.

I've always been my Dad's favourite child. He has gone above and beyond for me in the past

In which case he might be making up for lost time with her now as she'd have felt as you are now.

Also, I've seen loads of threads about parents interfering or taking liberties, perhaps they feel they'd be intruding. Have you said you need them? I'm the strong coper in my family too and am just about to ask for help as every one thinks I'm ok and handling things well when I'm not. Outward appearances are deceiving in my case.

I agree with pp a holiday in spain lovely a weekend in rainy England not so much just think your sister might be feeling obligated and doesn't actually want them for weeks at a time, im sorry you are having a rough time of it maybe invite him for longer

I was just thinking the same as Joysmum - maybe he's overcompensating with her because he knows that you and he have a bond which transcends physical proximity. If he feels as though he doesn't click with her in the same way that he does with you, then maybe they need to be together for him to feel as though he is being as good a father to him as he is to you, knowing that you can spend hours chatting and have very similar personalities.

There are ways of confronting the issue without being seen as petulant and spoiled - you could just tell him that you miss him and would love to see him any time he has a chance, and see how he responds.

However, it does sound like you have a lovely relationship, present issues notwithstanding. If my parents, who I love dearly, wanted to stay with me for three weeks, I would probably have to go for a witness protection style disappearance!

I dont want to make a thing of this but being the sorted sensible child can be a pita sometimes I am that child maybe your dad wants to spend time with his dd maybe he missed her when she was doing it all right

I'm interested in the way you describe yourself, not too self deprecating really... favourite child, more intelligent and all round nicer person. You seem to dislike your sister , maube that attitude comes across and is difficult for your parents to hear...

I'm interested in the way you describe yourself, not too self deprecating really... favourite child, more intelligent and all round nicer person. You seem to dislike your sister , maube that attitude comes across and is difficult for your parents to hear...

I'm interested in the way you describe yourself, not too self deprecating really... favourite child, more intelligent and all round nicer person. You seem to dislike your sister , maube that attitude comes across and is difficult for your parents to hear...

Oh FGS there's always one.

It's impossible to adequately describe my entire family dynamics in a couple of posts.

As usual with MN there are a majority of lovely posters who take what has been said at face value and try to offer helpful advice and those who extrapolate far beyond the information given and attempt to armchair analyse people they know nothing about. And get it predictably wrong.

Thank you to the posters who have been helpful. I'm off to ring my Dad .

Have you asked them to come over to have your other child when you give birth.

Rather than have a deep conversation could you just ask for more help, just say could you come for longer than a weekend as I am a bit worried etc.

Do you come across as not needing help and therefore they don't think to give it?

I can see this from both perspectives - as a (very old) child and as a parent. So, speaking purely as a parent:
I have two grown up sons. The eldest gets more attention and time spent on him because he needs it. The youngest is independent and could probably teach me a thing or two!
They both know I am there for them whenever they need me, it is simply that one needs me more than the other, but they are secure in the knowledge that I love them both very much.
I have hesitated, on occasion, to mention doing things with the eldest to the youngest, in case he felt he was not getting enough attention, but needn't have bothered really, he really couldn't give a flying fart about it - he knows that if he needed me, I would be there.

And after that essay, what I am trying to say is that parents don't always get it right, but it does not mean that we love you, or care about you any less than your siblings.

I think youve desribed your family dynamics quite effectively. You have said very little positive about your sister and made a nunber of v negative comments. Maybe you've described her perfectly. I know one or two people tho who are constantly negative about people and tbh it's wearying...

So no armchair analysing going on here - just read your posts.
Good luck, with resolving this issue, with as some posters up thread mentioned, making local friends and esp with your pregnancy.

Sometimes, Saoirse31 siblings can be a PITA - or downright horrible. It's not 'constantly negative' to describe them as such.

You know it could really all boil down too a holiday in spain nothing more

There is really very little positive to say about my sister saoirse.

She is unpleasant and thoroughly selfish. She is completely inflexibile in her plans yet expects everyone else to jump to her command.

Some examples in the last few years.

1. When we were all staying at my parents house (for free) she stormed around demanding complete silence all the time so that her PFB could sleep. This included shouting at my mother in front of some guests. We were sitting around my mum's kitchen table chatting quietly and, god forbid, laughing.

1. DP and I travelled with 2 year old DD in the middle of winter to Spain to attend her child's christening. This was our choice - we always make an effort to go to family events. The journey was complicated and long with an under the weather still breastfeeding toddler. When we got there she reduced both myself and my mother to tears within a day with her nasty comments.

1. The following year she refused point blank to make a similar journey to attend our brother's wedding. It was just too much effort with two children .

1. I sent a parcel of carefully selected, varied and thoughtful presents for my niece and nephew to her in the post. The contents were worth over £70. She got a card from the postman to go and collect it. Despite me explaining that it was a valuable parcel and asking her via text repeatedly for the next 4 weeks if she'd collected it she failed to bother her arse. The collection office is 2 miles from their house. The parcel got "returned to sender" but really just got lost in the system. She didn't even apologise.

1. When we got out to eat together it is at whatever time they choose and the night is over when they say so. Anyone who orders a starter and a main is a greedy fatty. Anyone who has a second glass of wine is an alcoholic. She is frequently arse-puckeringly rude to serving staff.

1. According to her and BIL, DP and I are bad parents because DD knew at 4 years old that gay people existed. They had no intention of their 6 year old DD finding out such shocking information anytime soon.

I could go on. But I don't fancy an aneurysm alongside my tuna butty.

It sounds like a case of "She who shouts the loudest" to me too.

I hope you've spoken with your dad now. There's nothing wrong with telling him you've found this hurtful, most people would.

Just nosy, but why aren't you also hurt by your mum? It sounds like they're still together.

Just nosy, but why aren't you also hurt by your mum? It sounds like they're still together.

^^This.

You said you cried on the phone to her. Didn't she ask what they could do?