To be annoyed about this letter being taken?

[PeriodFeature]

I wrote a letter to my DF who is very ill with Lukemia. It was a heartfelt letter saying how much I love him and how things that happened in the past which I know he has felt terrible about, being absent, using drugs and alcohol etc don't matter anymore and he was an amazing father now and a friend.

He was ambulanced into hospital and unfortunately the letter had been sitting in my handbag didn't arrive until the day after his admission.

My DB took the letter to the hospital and DF started to read it and said (he very ill and confused) 'I don't understand this, why is she talking about these things' My DB then read it and decided to take it away.
He phoned me and told me DF was very distressed about the letter and not to mention it to him ever again.

I did mention it to DF and he said that he hadn't read it all but had said to DB that he wanted to focus on the present. He then said he didn't understand why DB took it away and said there is nothing he couldn't handle hearing at this point.

I feel really embarrassed that my DB read the letter and took it away. I have since given it back to DF who has read it and there is no issues. I had things i needed to say to him, NOTHING critical or bad.

So did he read it and say he didn't understand it, or was your DB lying?

If I've understood right, your DB was wrong to read the letter, but he was possibly doing it with the best of intentions - just going about it the wrong way. Sounds like his heart was in the right place - unless there's some backstory we don't know that would be reason for malice?

It doesn't sound like either of them are really lying.

DF told you that he said he wanted to focus on the present, DB said he said basically the same thing "Why is she telling me these things".

DF doesn't understand why he took it, DB told you why he did.

Unless you and DB have a contentious relationship I'd say that DF had given DB the impression that he was distressed or DB wouldn't have taken the letter away.

It's possible that DF is twisting it to avoid embarrassment about feeling distressed as distress is not a manly feeling. Unless you have reason to believe DB would lie, I'd say he's probably the one telling the truth and did it with the best intentions.

It's in times of tragedy that people show themselves to be very opinionated and weird and controlling - usually a sign that they are struggling.

Its very upsetting but not much you can do except find your own way through it, and insulate yourself against the hurts that happen around this time as much as you can. X

i'm guessing DF had read the first bit which upset him and your brother took it away because he was trying to spare him any more upset or distress, clearly not the right thing to do but I can see where he might have been doing what he thought was the best thing. tbh I don't think that means either of them are lying just your Dad meant he didn't want to read it at that moment and would read through it later but your brother misunderstood and thought he meant he didn't want to read it at all. Also if your Dad is very ill and confused/on lots of pain medication he might not have said what he meant to or might not remember what he said.

yanbu to be annoyed but hopefully it was just a misunderstanding done with the best intentions.

miscellaneous You seem to know what you are talking about, I'm doing just that. opinionated, weird and controlling are exactly the behaviours.… I'm just continuing to love DB and let the rants and orders being issued wash over me, they seem to lessen when I don't resist and just let things go.

It's fucking hard isn't it?

As other posters have said, it isn't badly intended I'm sure, I hope.

When MIL was dying in the hospital, she was cuffed to the bed to keep from pulling her trach and feeding tubes out. We got her two tiny stuffed animals to to keep her company and put them on her bed. They transferred her up to ICU and lost her stuffed animals. I don't know why, but for some reason I honed in on that and demanded they get replaced since MIL could neither talk to remind or move her hands to grab them.

I was a nurse's nightmare and hounded them one by one on both floors about where these tiny stuffed animals were. After being given the brush off, I looked up the hospital head's info online and got their phone number and email from a social media account and threw a fit pestered them there. The head nurse just got her some new stuffed animals from the shop to make it stop.

But god knows why I felt it was reasonable to harass the head of the hospital over two tiny stuffed animals. People get irrational around death and two stuffed animals were the only thing I could control at the moment. I really do feel bad for all the nurses in retrospect though.

Try not to hold it against your brother.

princessbabyhug Yes, I may have my own things going on too I guess. There is so little control. Sorry for your loss too. Ive never lost anyone close before, other than grandparents whose lives were long, as long as they should have been.

People don't talk about this stuff so its hard to know how people cope, all differently it seems.

Hey there Period, hope you're feeling ok. You guessed right, I do know quite alot about this, though I wish I didn't because that means I've been through it personally.

But I do wish we knew as a culture what to do and how to be when someone we love is dying, or is dead. I think that's

People don't talk about this stuff so its hard to know how people cope, all differently it seems.

I think death is one of the few things that people are sort of hush hush about still. The best we have are a few inaccurate psychology books that don't always hit the mark because how people react to death is so individual.

... Sorry mobile posted too early!

I think that's the problem, that until we're in one of the most awful and traumatic events we'll ever have to face... It's only then we get to experience all these awful emotions, and there's no one to guide us, help us or protect us from others who are blundering about also consumed by uncontrollable emotions.

Try and hear yourself, feel yourself, be in touch with yourself and you're needs. I felt so raw and dislocated from myself, and didn't know quite how to cope. Luckily I ended up finding things to control that didn't hurt anyone else. I asked the nurses to show me how to read and track all the machines and beeps and charts. I lived at the hospital and did the night vigils. That's what I could cope with.

But then when the worst happened, a different time and place, it was sudden, and shocking, and I was not there, and had to deal with everything through other people. And that was hard. The other people. It's really hard not to take what they do or say to heart. Just try to insulate your heart against the other people blundering about blind with grief.

Because you don't want to have words and actions done at this time, that are hard to take back... Raw stuff that shouldn't see the light of day.

Good luck. It's hard. And all you can do is be good to yourself, and try not to let people hurt you with their pain.