to think i shouldn't be expected to keep secrets

[Owllady]

For my mother
Unfortunate situation whereby someone in my family has been diagnosed with severe mental illness (elderly) and will require residential care :( my husband's family know this person and my mum has asked me not to tell either my husband or them! As they don't want them knowing
I just think this is completely ott and not very normal
Sorry for lack of information, I don't really want to put any more because of the nature of the subject
I have told my husband anyway and now have had to ask him not to say anything which makes me just as bloody bad doesn't it. But how can you keep something like that secret anyway?

Read your last sentence. Your mother may be struggling too.

Sorry you've been put in this position. My Mother told me not to tell my Dad that she has Dementia (they are separated) but I told her the children would tell him anyway. Dad has been a huge support to me throughout this, there's no way I wouldn't have told him.

Also I believe it is important people know about Memtal Illness and it isn't hidden behind closed doors anymore. I would have told DH in your position if it helps to know at all.

I think you need to give it time. Respect your Mum's wishes for now as much as possible. I do think you were right to tell your dh but the situation does not need to be discussed outside of the 3 of you.

Your dm may well need lots of time and support to adjust to the situation before people know.

I think she most probably is struggling :(
His family keep asking about my relative as one of them is good friends with her.
Anyway I have just realised its as simple as saying can you please ring my mother for information, isn't it?

Yes I guess it is, then it takes it away from you and it is up to her to decide. It is incredibly hard hearing a diagnosis like this, my eyes woukd randomly leak for a good few weeks afterwards, despite totally expecting it and almost wanting it, so it explained things. Over time you do adjust to the situation and it is early days yet for your Mum.

I think it has been a terrible shock and the realisation that things haven't been quite right for a while is just as distressing I think. I am sorry about your mum wynken, that must be very difficult.

I agree. If the diagnosis is new, then your DM may need some time to come to terms with it, and has said she prefers to do so in private.

Could you try taking an approach along the lines of "we'll have to tell them at some point. Let's think about his best to do it, and before there are too many awkward questions"

Thank you. It is hard but easier now we're over a year down the line, despite her needing to be assessed for anti psychotics at the moment.

There is a huge stigma about putting a relative into residential care and a huge amount of guilt involved in the process. Unfortunately a lot of people just don't realise that the reality is, a team of people are needed at a certain point and care is the only option. I now am very open about Mum being in care and diagnosis as I want people to know about it and to not feel so uncomfortable talking about it.

I would think your Mum might be in a slight state of shock currently. My sympathies to you as well, it can't be easy right now

Thank you all, writing it all down has helped :) and wynken, I hope you are okay. You are right, it is hard. I suppose other people's assumptions 're 'homes' don't help either. Not quite the same but my dd goes into a children's home for respite and you get comments off people who really should know better and the reality is she gets wonderful care there and ENJOYS it :)