To get annoyed with DH. opinions?

[Germgirl]

DHs ExW is a pathological liar. She is seemingly unable to tell the truth even when the lie is completely pointless.
She lies to everyone, DH, my DSD, her parents, my MIL, doctors, the job centre. Everyone.
She doesn't work, can't be bothered. She lives with her parents and my DSD.
Now the AIBU, she lies to DH all the time to try to make him have DSD for extra nights & w/ends, (we have her EOW fri-mon + a couple of weeknights), she tells him ridiculous reasons why she can't be with DSD when really she just doesn't want to spend time with her. She tells DH that she has no money so he gives her more, tells lies about getting a job, being ill, just everything!
I get very frustrated that DH won't 'challenge' her about her lies. He tells me what she's said & when, inevitably, it turns out to be untrue he never says anything. I maintain that because he acts this way she will continue to lie.
He says she's been like it forever & she won't change.
I've not explained brilliantly but AIBU to ask DH to call ExW out on her ridiculous lies occasionally?

I realise the phrase 'k
Make him have DSD' is the wrong one. We don't need to be bullied into having DSD, the point is more that ExW very rarely spends any time with DSD but lies about the reasons why (example, last weekend was 'her' w/e, she went to her bf's on Thursday & came home on Wednesday. A isn't see DSD for 6 days, her excuse? Her car broke down. No it didn't).
DH and I happily have DSD far more than was originally agreed but I wish she'd stop lying constantly just to get her own way.

It's his relationship with his ex, nothing to do with you.

Why doesn't your dp have his child 50% of the time?

I understand your frustration, but I suppose your DH is so used to it he doesn't see the point in challenging her when she'll just lie more anyway.

Can you just have DSD for the extra nights she wants you to, and then adjust maintenance accordingly? As the more nights she's with you the less maintenance your DH has to pay. Or just bypass that and go for residence? Or at least 50/50?

When DSD was small her mum would palm her off on anyone who was breathing so you could go out. I ended up always saying I'd have her as I was afraid of who should would leave her with. At this point the ex and DSD were living with ex's parents, so DH would give maintenance straight to DSD's grandparents to make sure it was being spent on her and not on booze or coke by her mum. DSD ended up living with us in the end anyway, best thing all round.

I would be livid that he's giving her extra money though. It's not as if she'll have bills to pay if she lives with her parents and if he pays a decent amount of maintenance then she won't need more money for DSD. YANBU BTW.

Because when they first split up they agreed the current arrangements. As it is we do have her around 50% of the time

Yes, it is his relationship with her but it impacts me too, he gets very stressed when she lies & spends no time with the child. Am I just meant to ignore that?

If you just accept that she lies anyway and you know that it's BS it will be easier to live with. Have DSD as much as you can, just smile and nod when ex lies.

If you're having her 50% of the time anyway would she not be better off with you full time?

DH pays maintenance and £1000
/month school fees. ExW has told him to take DSD out of school so that she can have the extra £1000 a month!
We already know she spends it on herself rather than the child. The gps buy all the child's food etc. we buy clothes and lots of other stuff.
It's just frustrating.

You can't stop her lying. What you can do is have your step daughter as much as possible so that she knows her dad is always there. Doesn't matter the reason his ex gives for her coming over.

I think you need to rise above this. Your dh has fair more experience of dealing with her than you do. It's obviously his way of coping with her and the frustration that she causes. Tbh I have no idea why you are letting this bother you. Let him deal. with her. Tell him not to give her any extra money as that does have an inpact on you. However being flexible on childcare arrangements can only be a good thing surely? On the condition that she takes up some of the slack if you two want to arrange some private time together

I thnk your dh is right and there's just no point in challenging her as it will just lead to arguments and presumably he's just had enough of her trying to manipulate him so he manages it by just agreeing.

I would see if your dsd can live with you and then the arrangements for seeing her would change as it would be her dm arranging to see her rather than the other way round. Also, your dsd isn't getting much stability at the moment by the sound of it.

You can't change other people. You can't make the exw stop lying and you can't turn your dp into someone who confronts her about it. If you accept those two facts then it might help your blood pressure.

AYBU to come on here and rant about it? No but accept that taking that rant into the real world and into your relationship isn't going to change or help anything. It's just going to cause a problem between you and your dh.

Now if the issue is that your dh moans to you about exw but won't moan to her about it then just stop him when he complains. Tell him you don't want to listen to his complaints unless he has a solution to propose or is going to complain directly to his exw.

Re being with us full time. I really don't know how it would work. DH works long hours. I do shifts. It would mean my mil practically moving in!
Also, I know I knew he had a child when I met him but sometimes I'd like to be with just my husband. Obviously if something happened that meant ExW could no longer have DSD that'd have to change.
And, if we had DSD full time, wouldn't ExW have to pay us maintenance? Can't see that happening!

HappyMummyOfOne is right. My DSD is 21 now, she has great relationship with both her dad and me, and her grand parents (maternal). Yet has absolutely nothing to do with her mum, she can't stand her. Kids aren't stupid, at some point they recognise the people who actually care about them and put them first.

Put up with it or go to court and apply for residence.

I think you need an official agreement where the dad has her one week and the mum the next week, or set days. If it is 50/50 there is no need for maintenance.

You're all right ladies.
DH does moan to me about ExW & I do get wound up because he'll moan to me but not say a word to her.
And I get my MIL moaning to me as well! Another one who is lied to bit won't say a word.
It just gets me down. ExW is poisonous. We've had 3 holidays in the last 3 years and each time she's texted DH while we've been away to tell him that DSD is in hospital ill. Of course, his first reaction is panic.
And then I tell him to phone / text his mum who tells is it's all bullshit & that DSD is perfectly ok.
So then I reckon DH should phone / text ExW to ask what the hell she's talking about. But he won't. He just leaves it. And that annoys me.
That's just a tiny tiny example. There is so much more. She really cannot stop herself lying.