To ask what other people do to manage work related stress and stay in control of their life?

[bigbarns]

At the end of half term week and what should have been a nice week away with the family - dh, 3 dds has basically been ruined (at least for me) due to me being worried about an ongoing project at work and some problems on it. I suppose I've got what some might term a "good job" but at times like this feel like I lack confidence in my abilities and that everyone is pointing the finger at me. In my more rational moments I don't think they are doing this, it's just a tricky job with clients in stressful situations who need answers in short timescales. As always internal politics have a role to play and there is at least one senior person who I feel has been quick to point out problems but has done little to muck in.
I'll get through this project, we always do, but I feel that I am in a constant state of worry about work and this is really impacting my life at home. One failed marriage behind me already - not entirely due to my job but it didn't help matters. I'm also on Sertraline which does help, I think.
I tried reducing my hours at Christmas to part time but have now gone back to full time as it was just impossible to do the role at my grade on a part time basis.
I'm the main bread winner too and also support my ex financially so I don't think walking away is an option. Ridiculous as this might sound after all the above I don't actually want to walk away as there are many aspects of it which I like and enjoy, I just need to get better at managing stress.
So, does anyone please have the "magic wand" solution? Failing that any shared experiences or tips would be great.

Yes... Therapy...really I'm not joking. You sound quite anxious about work and how well you're doing. Do you have a service locally that offers Cognitive behavioral therapy? People assume (wrongly) that you have to be really unwell/depressed. But out could really help you with some strategies to manage all of this.

Thanks Hettie, I was actually about to Google CBT before I wrote the above post, I think I need to look into this.

No magic wand here, I have similar issues especially after having children.

I try to exercise (walk and housework) at least 30 mins per day, that helps to keep my mind clear and focused. Eat healthily, as in nutritious food not junk/chocolate obviously, SOME chocolate, prioritize work very carefully, break tasks down and plan carefully so I can get them all done and feel in control. At the end of most days, I write out what I'm going to do the next day. There are always things that get in the way, but at least it allows me to focus and not to stress outside of work. If I don't get everything done within the day (which happens a fair bit) I work at home to catch up, 9-11 after the kiddos are asleep.

Another thing that can help is to have a mentor. Not a formal one, necessarily, but someone who's in a similar situation and has their own coping strategies. I had issues with work/life balance, and one mentor mentioned that she has a nanny come to their home a couple of afternoons a week to do cooking and cleaning, so that there is a hot meal on the table when they all arrive home. Another mentor goes out for dinner on one weekday night, to give them all a break and save time on cooking/washing up.

What is it about work that's causing the anxiety? Is it rational? (if not, say to yourself, Oh that's worry" and then move on, sometimes that works). Is it something you can change? Are there other teams which might be a better fit (you mentioned company politics) or other companies which might be less pressurized?

Good luck and hope other people have lots of good suggestions. I'll be following this thread :)

medication and therapy. The medication is the most effective but I am not doing well at work. I'm not not even paid well tbh.

Why are you supporting your ex? Presumably this is short term?

Does your ex have the kids at all?

Working full time in a responsible job and having 3 kids is stressful. Do you have a cleaner? A nanny? Does your DH pull his weight around the house? Are the kids old enough to do chores?

To be honest I think overall work is fine, I get on well with people and have a good reputation and have worked my way up the ranks in the ten years I've been with the firm. There are good days and bad days, I think I just really struggle to cope with the bad days and blow things up in my mind out of all proportion. I have that classic "imposter syndrome" too so whenever something isn't quite going to plan I feel that the moment has arrived when I will be "found out"!

Supporting ex as he's had some major problems in his life too so he works part-time and I basically pay him to be the main career for the two eldest kids (6 and 4h during the week. He signed the house over to me so it's an arrangement which works for us for now.
DH is brilliant and more than pulls his weight and whilst he works too he does most of the picking up and dropping off for DD3 who is 1.

I was going to say CBT too- I'm in the middle of a course for depression but find it's having the side effect of reducing stress and anxiety too.

Try this book and CD Mindfulness - just 10 or 15 mins a day to meditate makes a huge difference. I don't do it enough but always feel the difference on the days I make the time for it.

From what you have posted I think CBT would really help you. There's a book called mind over mood which takes you through the CBT exercises yourself which I found really helpful if you don't fancy seeing a therapist.

Thanks for the suggestions so far - I've ordered the book already and it's now waiting for me on my Kindle.

This thread is very interesting to me as I have suffered with similar extreme work related stress. It got so bad I was actually dizzy and shaking and unable to cross my office without holding onto furniture for support.

I think what helped me the most was when I opened up after a LOT of wine to a very respected colleague who does the same job in a different location, and he told me that he had the exact same imposter syndrome as I had. I just couldn't believe it. Everyone thinks this guy is marvellous, cos he is! But he, like me, and like you OP, was sat there waiting to be found out, and feeling like a bit of a fraud.

From what I can gather, this is quite common when your job is something you really love, like mine is and you cannot quite believe your luck that you are getting paid for doing it.

I have managed to stop thinking about work 24/7. I literally thought of nothing else. I even took some holiday!!!!! Ok, I did check my emails every day but I didn't reply to them which is progress.

I hope you find some peace OP.

I sing on the commute in and out. Very loudly. Show tunes. It really helps me to switch off, and release any stress. That might not be great if you're on public transport though.

I would also say mindfulness, and/or yoga. Could you get a podcast or app or audiobook from the library?

Meditation has helped me to become a lot more chilled out, see things for what they are and deal with things in a lot more calm and relaxed way. I work in a stressful profession and people always say how calm I am even in the face of stressful situations. I have been meditating for over 20yrs. It is an easy technique that once you have learned you can do anytime, anywhere and even if you don't do it for months can pick up again.

Go on the website get self help. My therapist a lot of the activities on there. They are all things you will learn in CBT.

Sorry things are rough -it can be so hard to switch off.

A suggestion of audiobook above made me think of a podcast I have listened to called "The Moth". It is people telling a 15 min story of something that happened in their life. I used to listen to it whilst walking on a treadmill. I was so interested in the stories that I would switch off and felt relaxed at the end.

Not much advice but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I have months where I feel the same...

My biggest cure is to remind myself that it is only a job, that it's OK to fail, and that I'm doing what I can in an 8 hour day.

I have that classic "imposter syndrome" too so whenever something isn't quite going to plan I feel that the moment has arrived when I will be "found out"!

I have adhd and I get that too. I put so much effort into being organized, writing everything down, breaking down tasks to keep on top of things, I worry that things will go wrong and people will see how disorganized I really am and I don't accomplish things with the ease that I pretend to. My biggest issue is I get excited about new tasks, take them all on and then madly scramble to get them all done on time. Which makes me look like a hard worker, and I do high quality stuff, but it's stressful to keep up. But the truth is, I do a good job and people are not too concerned with the process. People make mistakes and if I do drop the ball, it's a learning experience to look at and see what I did so that it doesn't happen again. But really, people are more forgiving of our own mistakes than we are.

Honestly, I just drop work off at the door, once I'm home it's down time to relax and hobbies I enjoy. It's a hard habit to get into though at first. But I think the key is to create an enjoyable life outside of work and not adopt your job as your identity.

Thanks for all of the above comments, much appreciated.

I have seen many people deploying tools to manage and streamline work related stress. One tool as such I have been using for the time management, the cloud based hours tracking software from Replicon - www.replicon.com/olp/hours-tracking-software.aspx . Featured with the user friendly and calendar based interface this tool makes all necessary arrangement for the time tracked and managed.

Things I have done to deal with work stress (was on medication for anxiety, therapy, referred to OCC Health etc as it was so bad).

1. Buy Getting Things Done. Amazing book and system to not just manage work but also life's tasks and help you not stress about work when at home and vice versa.
   This really helped when employed.

2. become self-employed. I had the opportunity to stay or go and decided to go. Dear God, the joy of not dealing with internal politics and being able to choose who I do work for is amazing.

3. funnily enough, having DS helped me get perspective on my work, also too tired to care as much!

4. saw a hypnotherapist who helped me learn to switch off when I got home.

5. Don't work or do anything that takes mental effort (that isn't fun) after 6pm. I don't email, do finances, or even watch anything taxing on TV. Just save it for the daytime when things seem easier and smaller.

6. when I'm on holiday now I switch off the internet. It's so liberating.

Good luck. Agree with CBT too - try Mind Over Mood. A good CBT workbook but also worth having regular counselling sessions so you have a fixed time and person you can dump all your emotional stress on without feeling bad about it!

I'm in a similar situation to you and used to get terrible anxiety which seems to have resolved itself now. It's little things for me, like someone else said, leaving work at the door. If I'm happy outside of work, whatever happens there does not affect me more than superficially.

A glass of wine/ nice food in the evening, enough water and exercise (and sex if you're inclined ), make sure I sit down in the evening when everything is done around the house and kind of properly debrief and relax, watch a film, whatever is your quality time iyswim.

I suffer in a similar way, I sometimes can't stop thinking about work, the worry is sending me mad lately. I have other big stuff going on in my life but I still focus on the shitty work stuff I need to do.
So I'm reading these responses with interest