To feel my whole life has fizzled away and have no idea how to get it back?

[Comedownsofar]

I'm torn between not wanting to sound 'poor me' because my life isn't that bad - I have all my family and a roof over my head - and wanting to cry every day because of how 'nothing' my life has turned out to be.

When I was little I had so many hopes and dreams, I used to be so happy and (I know how arrogant this sounds) I was so intelligent and creative but from the age of about 14 I feel life just continuously shriveled up and that person is virtually gone.

I did really well in GCSE's then went to a useless college because it was nearest and my parents thought the one further away would be 'too challenging' for me, I felt burnt out from school, disliked the college and found myself a crap boyfriend so ended up failing my A-levels. Then got a job I hated to pay the bills but ended up getting pregnant at 19 with the useless abusive boyfriend and lost my job (company went bust while I was on maternity). Abusive boyfriend buggered off to another country when ds was 2 months old and hasn't been in contact since.

I wasn't a good mother - didn't do anything social services would be interested in but just didn't cope well, felt it was all a huge struggle and just scraped by keeping ds fed and watered and not too unhappy. Ds is now 10 and I feel like I've messed his life up too - he's got mild SN (processing and emotional) and never seems happy, and I feel like that's just down to me barely 'treading water' his whole life.

I went back to work after 2 years on income support after ds was born but gave that up when he was 4 to do a degree, to try and get a good job to support us both but I've come out the other end with a 2:1 but feeling I completely wasted my time and ran up pointless student finance debt in the process. I don't seem to be able to get any job at the moment, let alone the ones I thought I would.

Met DP 3 years ago who is lovely and kind and complete opposite to abusive ex but maybe too much like me - has suffered depression most of his life and seems to be treading water too. We don't seem to be able to find work, we've tried running our own business in the meantime just for any extra money and if we make £100 in a week that's a huge surprise so money is tight too.

I just don't know what to do, my life feels like it's at a standstill and it doesn't seem to matter how much effort I put it or don't I still don't get anywhere and I don't know why, I don't know what the problem is - other people live their lives without it being a massive job just to work out what to DO. I feel like I'm living in a fog, not knowing how to get anything under control.

I want ds to have 2 fab loving parents but DP just seems lost with how to father ds and I'm a stressed harpy most of the time.

I want to have a job again, so we can actually pay for everything we need without panicking where the money will come from but I don't even get replies from job ads and I don't know where to start looking for a career.

I want to have another baby but I can't separate out how much of that is wanting another child and how much is wanting another chance to get parenting 'right', and I know how horrible that sounds. Plus we can't afford another baby, but if we don't do it soon the age gap just grows worse and I feel awful that ds has had to be an only child with a rubbish mother.

I want to own our own house and not have to move rentals every year but that seems impossible when we can't even get work.

I want to feel happy again. I can't remember the last time I felt really genuinely, 100% happy. I've got hobbies on paper but I don't enjoy them. When I'm 'relaxing' I'm just regaining a bit of energy, I don't actually feel relaxed. I have a buzz of thoughts going round my head all day and it wears me out. I sleep all night every night but never feel rested.

I was 'helped' for depression when I was 15, not that it seemed to do any good, and I suspect I might have been depressed ever since but I don't feel even anti-depressants would do anything, it's me mucking this all up somehow, not doing the right things but I don't even know where to start. If I needed to lose weight I'd look up diets, get some more exercise etc and as long as I did the right thing it would automatically fall into place. But my whole life needs 'work' and I don't even know what's the right thing to do, let alone whether that will make it better or not.

I don't even know what I'm expecting someone to say, if they get through all of that, but just want life to get better.

I dont have any answers, unfortunately, but I didnt want your heartfelt post to go unanswered.

The only thing I can think of after reading your post is if you could maybe speak things through with a counsellor, like a life counsellor or whatever they are called, someone who discusses your life and circumstances and helps you sort out what you want and clear things in your head a bit. I'd like this myself, but I really dont know how to go about getting this. I think its called life coaching?

I hope someone else comes on with more concrete advise.

thinking of you, life is just hard sometimes xx

I started a bit that dissimilar thread this morning in chat.

I've found that most good graduate jobs require a postgrad on top of the undergrad degree. I suggest doing this within 3 years max of graduating. Maybe look into what financial support you could get for different courses eg teaching, careers advice, social work, housing, financial advice, health related such as salt, OT etc.

Also try looking for voluntary work whilst DS is at school.

If your local NHS does counselling maybe think about that too.

The economy's rubbish just now. There are hi dread of people chasing every job. It's not you at fault, you've just been born at an unlucky time.

If anything, you've written everything down very concisely, you must be able to articulate your thoughts and feelings well.

You're still young - by that I mean I'm at my own crossroads but a good twelve years older and although get dips, I haven't given up hope of finding direction.

Think of what you would like to do - realistically - and aim for it. Make goals a week at a time. One week, something for your career and weight loss etc., and especially, something special with ds, even if it's 10 minutes special time a day with him.

By the time you've started and each day rolls on you will hopefully start to feel more positive. Self esteem sounds like it's an issue as it is for many, and having an abusive ex can't have helped.

Good luck with it all OP

Hey there
A lot of people don't get graduate jobs as their first job out of uni, so dont panic. It will come in handy later on when you go up the food chain. In the meantime, could you temp? You learn lots of useful things about workplaces that way.

You have identified several issues that you need to work through. That in itself is very positive. I second the suggestion that you see if you can get counselling, but in the meantime, would you consider reading self help books? Are there any volunteer self help groups you can go to? For the feeling of always having thoughts buzzing around, could you try mindfulness? There may be free apps or podcasts available - I dont know I havent looked.

I found How to Do Everything and Be Happy very helpful. I saw it mentioned on a thread on MN. It helps you prioritise what you want out of life, and how to move towards achieving your goals. It's very down to earth and accessible. You've already made a good start with your post, all those "I want to"s.

Don't underestimate how much an abusive relationship can affect you for years afterwards. You don't sound woe is me at all. But dont let it beat you either. Be kind to yourself. really. x

Hi there your thread has been on my mind and i wanted to offer you my support. i also agree counselling is very helpful- it really helped me to improve my self esteem and combat depression and live my life in a different way. it sounds like you do have things which you can be happy about -mindfulness meditation really helped me to fight my demons. Good luck x

Thanks for all the replies, sorry but I only just got back on here. It's depressing but reassuring that it's partly just living at the wrong time - I keep seeing people I know get good jobs really easily (and not after a long 'secret' wait or time building up to it or anything, one changed career completely - to something that shared no skills with his old job - and got a £20k job in less than 2 months) and start families, get houses etc but I know that's not reality for everyone.

I've had counselling in the past but found it very wooly and hard-going, I did lots of talking but never felt I'd got anywhere and I don't think I'd get any on the NHS now and can't afford to pay for any. Life coaching would be good but again I couldn't pay anyone but I've heard there's coaching style forums around so might have a look for one.

Weekly goals would be really good actually, I think I concentrate on the 'big picture' far too much and that doesn't help with the overwhelming/confused feelings. At least I could focus on something then, however slow going. I'll look into mindfulness and the Be Happy book too. I've tried and enjoyed meditation in the past but always get too caught up in stress and forget to do it so will have to find a way of making time for 'me' stuff.

I registered with an agency to try and get temp work and got given one ft job to apply for and heard nothing since. May have to try and be more proactive with other agencies.

Thanks for all the help, feel more positive when other people are 'listening' (if that doesn't sound too weird), when I'm stuck with this all on my own it feels 100x worse.

Re counselling - it can take a few goes to find the right person you click with. I was lucky enough to find some free sessions at a local children's centre - could you ask at your local gp etc if they know of any? x

The best ways, IME, to get work is to volunteer and/or temp in your chosen field. I've always been offered FT positions as a result of temp work (not necessarily the first contract, but if you temp for a while you nearly always get offered something FT eventually). With temp agencies you have to be really pro-active. Ring them every Monday morning (or more often), checking in and reminding them that you're available for work. Ask their advice on making your CV better. Make sure they know you're available for temp, PT and FT roles. Make sure if you need childcare in order to work that you've got childcare that can be arranged at short notice.

You also sound depressed. Please go back to see your doctor about this. Tell him/her what meds you were on last time that didn't work. Medications can work better for some people than others, so if you got nothing from that medication you may just need a different one. Being on ADs should really help your feelings of hopelessness.

You really could get counselling free through the nhs if you make a good case- if they will prescribe ads then they should offer therapy too. It really is down to the person, and their therapeutic orientation and I d say it takes a long time to make any difference. I had 2 years of existential psychotherapy and it was all about asking me the meaning of my strong feelings one way or the other. I worked out why I felt a lot of stuff and now feel confident asking myself the questions my therapist would have asked. I feel more in control of who and why I am.

With respect to jobs, I did further study later on like you and got into debt. I had to keep going and do a post graduate course too. I am now in full time employ ment doing a job I enjoy and I have an enormous sense of achievement because I fought for it, like you are doing. You too will feel this, and it will happen.

You must believe in this.

Compassionate mind theory also helped me.

Good luck x