AIBU to just go out tomorrow even though my ex should be picking up dd2

[17leftfeet]

He will not give me a time for him to collect her

He says 'not too early but not too late'

I told him to specify a time as she sits waiting for him

He said 'you tell me' so I've suggested 10.30 and he says he'll try!

AIBU to just go out at 11 if he's not shown up?

I'm so annoyed with him messing about like this and it's not fair on dd2

Dd1 already doesn't see him because she was fed up of never being able to plan and being 'dumped' with various relatives of his whole he goes out with his friends

YADNBU! It might be worth telling him in advance that you have to leave the house by 11, just so you can say, hand on heart, that you communicated your expectations clearly. But if he's not there, then go. He's an asshole if he expects you and your dd just to waste your day sitting around for him.

Well he's definitely an arsehole but if I tell him I've got to go out he will probably develop some life threatening illness so he can spoil my plans

It depends on how upset your DD2 would be, how old is she?

Agree that you can't sit around all day waiting for him. If he's not there by 11 then go out but perhaps treat your DD2 to something as she may feel hurt/unwanted.

Or even pre prepare her. Something like, 'if daddy doesn't come I have to go out at 11. Would you like to come with me & we can do xxx'.

Next time try to be more assertive perhaps? Say to him if you don't come by x then you can't have her this time & refuse to be drawn in by any further wankery of his.

Oh, if he's the type who would sabotage your plans, then just leave at 11.

(This may be paranoia, but I'd hold on to copies of your emails/texts, so that if he's the type to go off to court complaining about you blocking contact, you have this evidence. It may not be an issue for you, but just in case....)

Well he's definitely an arsehole but if I tell him I've got to go out he will probably develop some life threatening illness so he can spoil my plans

But you're going to take your DD out at 11 anyway if he hasn't arrived.

Just tell him to pick her up before 11 as that's the time you're leaving the house and you won't be waiting for him.

What a prize twat. Agree with above posters. Give him a cut off time and then go out if he is not there.

I wouldn't tell your dd that today is dad coming day. If he does, great, If he doesn't no upset.

Don't tell her what time, or that he's supposed to be coming. I'd give him till 11 then go out.
Keep a record of this somewhere, in case he tries to blame you.

She's 10, she knows he's due tomorrow unfortunately

Could you drop her at his OP? That way you get to control the time, and if he isn't in then of course you can go out and have a lovely day together.

He won't be there, he comes from his girlfriends and then takes her straight to his mums, I don't think he's lived at his house for over a year now

I've told him he needs to be here for 11 so the ball is in his court now

Drop her at his mums then? I think he is playing power games with you and this would be a way of taking that power back.......

pmsl i had this with my ex he would say he would collect her from school then text me at 2.57 saying he would be late (school finished at three) i would ask when are you coming "soon" 4pm 5pm would pass 5.30 came and he would rock up expecting tea if i refused he would have a go at me for expecting to see his child and not feeding him did i expect him to starve? (no i expected him to turn up on time and take her out as promised) so i used to go to school on his days anyway and wait to see if he turned up he never did not once refused to take her out would promise her sweets then ask me for the money he was useless she is 14 this week and not even a card for the last 12 years (and his mom bought the one when she was two)

just give him a time be firm i did go out several times due to shitty behaviour i would shove a note on the door saying out at park (around the corner literally) and leave it at that

So did he turn up on time?

10.45 but wouldn't give me a time he'll bring her back tomorrow

That would drive me insane.

My ex has attempted to pull that stunt, but fortunately I have a court order. There have been occasions when I've said that if he doesn't meet me for the handover at x time, I will call the police, and on two occasions I have followed through (not just him being a few minutes late - I'm talking hours and hours late and him refusing to answer phone calls, emails or texts). He does turn up on time now.

That said, I wouldn't lightly advise anyone to embark on court action, especially as your dd is now 10 and you only have to grit your teeth for another couple of years before it's less of an issue.

He won't bring her back late, he's only ever done that once when he was showing off what a good father he is to his girlfriend and took her on an impromptu trip to the cinema

It's more not knowing if she'll be back for tea or not and it stops me and dd1 going out in the afternoon incase he shows up early with her

It's an informal agreement -started out as Friday after school until Monday school drop off alternate weekends, but it's getting shorter and shorter

He really is a pain in the backside, isn't he? Sounds like it's slowing solving itself though. Just have to keep gritting your teeth for a while longer.

He can't expect you to hang around all weekend. Having offered him flexibility, I'd say something like "ok, well I'll make sure I'm at home from 5" or whatever.