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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about my friends baby?

50 replies

Treesandbees · 30/05/2014 08:44

My friend has a 1 year old DD. She was always the placid, happy, content and settled baby of our group who had a regular routine and slept well. However when she turned 9 months she really changed. She has become this grizzly, whinging, sad baby who appears to be frightened of the other babies in our group (who she has known since birth), hates been left in a room on her own, who is constantly ill (always some infection eyes/ears etc), doesnt feed well and who is not sleeping. She is also very clingy to her Mum and gets very upset when she is without her despite us looking after her on our own since she was tiny. Along with this stuff she is also very small, not been the most physical baby (for example she hates being on her tummy, has only just learnt to roll but is now happy to stand and walk around using a walker, albeit very wobbly). She has never shown any desire to crawl (although I appreciate some babies dont). She also doesnt have any teeth. This change in behaviour has coincided with her starting nursery at 9 months.

My instinct is screaming that this baby isnt right but I am no expert and wouldnt begin to rationalise what might be causing this. She has just had her 1 year check and I was hoping that the HV might have some insight but apparently she just weighted her and measured her height.

AIBU to think this? Should I say anything to my friend? I dont know whether I should just bury my thoughts or raise them. She doesnt seem to being voicing any of her own concern so I dont want to upset her unnecessarily.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 30/05/2014 09:15

I work with young children and we have a few babies alll around the same age 2 born the same week I forget how many months they are because they are all doing different thingsbabies develop at different rates some are happy some are grumpy, what is worrying you about this baby what do you think is happening or not ?

Idontseeanyicegiants · 30/05/2014 09:17

My DS's sleep regression lasted 3 years... It really doesn't seem to be anything to worry about, 2 of mine detested tummy time and DD2 didn't roll or crawl at all, she bum shuffled then walked! Separation anxiety is probably the most likely cause of the grizzling and clingyness, it's a weird age and many changes all at once (like the huge amount if change that accompanies starting nursery) can have a longer knock on effect than some people expect.
I really wouldn't worry, there's nothing in your post that suggests to me that there's something not right.

Mrsjayy · 30/05/2014 09:18

Lots of mums come to where I work because they have velcro babies they need support babies cry when mum leaves them it is not unusual

Hamuketsu · 30/05/2014 09:18

Looking back a while here, but that sounds normal. My dd1 didn't walk, even supported, until well over a year, and this baby is wobbling along with support. This means that she's interested in locomotion, and doesn't have something physical that stops her moving about. Sounds like she's just missed out the crawling stage, as some babies do.

Infections and the resulting grizzliness is absolutely normal, IME for over a year after starting nursery. Dd1 was a screamer even to start with, but the infections certainly didn't help. She also suffered terribly with her teeth. Not sure if this might apply to your friend's baby, but dd1's teeth made her miserable for ages before actually erupting. In fact, most of them seemed to start breaking through, then actually recede or somehow be covered again by gum, so they had to break through again.

Separation anxiety is also normal at that age, and just varies enormously.

And if you have a sore mouth/infections, etc. you won't be sleeping and eating the best, even as an adult. Of course this will have disturbed her routine, and even when she isn't physically uncomfortable any more, unfortunately sleep problems can hang on.

25% for weight and height shows that the baby is in proportion.

Babies are people and haven't read the manual. The difficulty/length of each stage varies enormously, placid babies can become difficult toddlers, screaming babies can be a dream after the age of two, etc. It's unfortunate that your friend's baby is going through a difficult few months just now, but hopefully it will pass soon for them.

NearTheWindymill · 30/05/2014 09:18

One thing I will say OP because you mentioned ear/eye infections is that repeated ear infections can really bring a baby down. dd started with them at about 12 months (as well as being a whingy baby who only liked mum) and it really did affect her behaviour. This is because they are in pain. The day she had grommets (at 20 months) she turned into a different child. She didn't crawl or walk early either but I don't think that was connected with her ears. She's 16 now and totally normal, quiet, cautious, sparky, independent.

I think I might urge you to encourage and support your friend to make sure her dd's ears are recovering and that she receives optimum treatment for them.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 30/05/2014 09:19

My dd went through a long separation anxiety stage - lasted from about 10mo until 16mo ish. She would go bonkers if I left the room, sometimes if I just put her down. It's normal for a baby to not want to be left with others at this age, although not all of them go through it.

I'm guessing starting nursery has exacerbated it.

MinionDave · 30/05/2014 09:20

Sounds normal to me, my DD didn't get her first tooth until 13 months!

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 30/05/2014 09:21

Sounds very much like separation anxiety / stranger anxiety which are part of healthy development at this age and suggests a strong attachment to the mum. Being constantly ill may be the exposure at her new nursery which again is nothing to worry about. Not crawling and lack of teeth is nothing to be worried at this age. If the HV hasn't any concerns, neither should you.

Nothing here should concern you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/05/2014 09:21

I'm not sure what having no teeth has got to do with anything. DS didn't get any teeth until he was one, then got eight at once.

BuilderMammy · 30/05/2014 09:24

My kids' sleep regressions lasted for centuries months. DD didn't roll till 11 months; they walked at 15 and 18 months. Your friend's baby sounds well within the bounds of normal to me.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 30/05/2014 09:26

Actually pobble's probably hit on a big cause of the grizzlyness, the child might have a large amount of teeth ready to erupt all at once poor thing, one tooth is bad enough but 8 all at once must have been really painful!

Purpleroxy · 30/05/2014 09:29

Illnesses=nursery.
Ditto clingy and unsettled.

Everything else=normal range.

Mine had no teeth at 9m, actually I was happy about it seeing as I was still bf!

Original poster

Treesandbees · 30/05/2014 09:32

Thanks for the posts and it is great to hear that this is all 'normal' stuff. Like Sunshine says I have come to Mumsnet to look for some reassurance. I really dont want to upset my friend necessarily but some of these things were bothering me and as a new Mum I am no expert! My DS is by no means a 'text book' baby. He didnt sleep for the first 6 months of his life, fed badly and has been under Paed care since birth for other things. And no I am not an 'anxious person' to the kind poster who asked. I am however a 'fixer' and if it was my daughter I would have had these things checked out because I would have wanted the reassurance from a professional. But I guess that is the difference between my friend and I.

OP posts:

unrealhousewife · 30/05/2014 09:34

I would put the behaviour down to starting nursery.

A baby with developmental delay might present like that, weaker, smaller etc and it also ties in with being quiet and contented when tiny. she may have glue ear and a blocked tear duct, which will cause infections. If there is glue ear it may exacerbate noise and make her fretful.

So yes, have a word with your friend but be specific about one thing, the eye or the ears.

A friend of mine did the same for me and years layer I am grateful that she did.

Coldlightofday · 30/05/2014 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyAmex · 30/05/2014 09:40

I didnt think the 9 month sleep regression lasted 3 months??

Yeah... DD's 4 month regression lasted until she was two years old

Cheby · 30/05/2014 09:43

We are also still dealing with 4mth sleep regression, at 14mths!

katandkits · 30/05/2014 09:45

DS had one constant sleep regression which lasted from 3 months to 18 months. Separation anxiety from 8 to 20 months.

WilsonFrickett · 30/05/2014 09:45

You could well be describing my friend's baby, who has recently started nursery and had a massive regression due to the constant round of infections plus separation anxiety. The baby also has a serious heart condition which means she's behind in some of her physical milestones. Of course, my DF doesn't choose to share that fact with everyone she meets at baby group because she doesn't want pitying looks and endless questions, she just wants to enjoy her baby.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 30/05/2014 09:46

How 1 year old is 1 year old. Huge difference between a 12 month old and a 23month old. I'm guessing closer to 12 months based on what you've said about the 1 year check and her not changing in the last 3 months. All of the things you have mentioned are well, well, within developmental norms for a child of about 12/13 months. The HV probably didn't pick anything up because there is nothing to pick up.

You seem to have put 2 and 2 together and come up with about 5 million. But FWIW, separation anxiety can start from about 6 months and peaks between 9 and 13months, and yes it can last months and frequently means that you can't leave the room with the baby becoming inconsolable. That's probably likely to be heightened if she's just started nursery and has had a string of illnesses.
Not crawling - as you said lots of babies never do, as she's standing and walking with a walker unlikely to be an issue.
Teeth - not really an issue at all
Walking - again, what she is doing is perfectly developmentally appropriate for her age. Happens anywhere between 9 and 18 months. I oubt any health professional is going to see it as an issue until she's taken no steps by 18/19 months at least. Doesn't sound that that will be the case if she's walking, albeit unsteadily with a walker now.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/05/2014 09:52

Both mine had separation anxiety one worse than the other, and it went on pretty much til they went to nursery aged 3! One of mine never went into any type of childcare, not even a nursery gym or staying by herself with granny as she used to howl and howl and remain inconsolable. Both have grown up just fine with no separation issues! Being parted from your caregiver is very upsetting for some babies, obviously you hope they reattach to someone at nursery, but this can take time.

I also remember the 1st birthday party with all the children crawling around each other having fun and my dd clinging to me like a limpet and being terrified of them and the balloons. Not funny at the time, but she's now 10 and extremely sociable.

This is very likely a phase and a normal one at that.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/05/2014 09:57

Actually pobble's probably hit on a big cause of the grizzlyness, the child might have a large amount of teeth ready to erupt all at once poor thing, one tooth is bad enough but 8 all at once must have been really painful!

Yeah it wasn't fun for any of us! Especially DS!

zzzzz · 30/05/2014 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab · 30/05/2014 10:13

Maybe your friend hasn't had anything checked as she knows there is no need too!

Helpys · 30/05/2014 10:40

Good for you OP for recognising you're a 'fixer'. I think in the scenario of friends' dcs, that's a impulse you should sit on!
What you can do is be an open listener. You can be the friend who if she does express her worries to, encourage her to talk rather than squash them.

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