To not know what to do in this situation?

[chemmylace]

I've namechanged.

DD, aged 15, decided 6 months ago to go and live with her dad. I split from him when she was a baby. Her reason for leaving is because she doesn't like having rules, although DH and I are by no means strict. Her dad lets her do as she pleases. Her dad was abusive to me when we were married.

I am non contact with my parents, as they were abusive too when I as growing up and have been awful to me during adulthood too, undermining me with my children and saying awful things about me.

DD since moving out has refused to have anything to do with DH and I. She will occasionally speak to my 9 year old DD online. I have now found out that she is living between her dad's house and my parents' house! Her dad is fully aware of my parents' behaviour but said the most important thing is that DD is 'happy'.

I don't think that DD is old enough to decide to cut people out and to decide to just drift between two houses.

She has also dragged some of my friends into it. Some of them are her friends' mums and she has dragged them into it, saying things to them that I am meant to have said about them, and causing trouble, as well as bad mouthing me. She also bad mouths me to any of my friends that she sees anywhere. Her friends have all started shouting 'Witch' at me if they see me anywhere.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel like everyone thinks I am a bad parent when I am not at all. The stress is making me ill.

I would post this in relationships if I were you.

It sounds like a very difficult situation.

As a start you aren't going to be able to resolve this without support from your Ex. If he just lets her do as she pleases then anything you do will just strengthen her position/view.

If she were telling this story from her perspective what would she say?

I agree with you by the way, but your dd is a teen and it will all be about her right now. How would she see it?

My ex warned me when we split up that one day he'd take her away from me....

I spent years facilitating contact with him and making sure DD and him had a relationship and now he seems to delight in DD not seeing me. I have tried to speak to him several time about it on the phone but he just swears at me and starts the mental abuse that I left him to get away from.

EnchantedForest; she would undoubtedly say that she didn't like living with DH and I as we have rules and boundaries and she had to do chores, whilst her dad and my parents let her have free reign and do as she pleases. She cannot see anything from mine and DH's point of view at all, which I know is to be expected from a 15 year old but still hurtful.

Gosh it's hard. If it were me I'd want to go round there and drag her home kicking and screaming if necessary but I know that's not a good idea at all. Could you write her a completely 'safe' letter ie just saying how much you love her and miss her and that no matter how much water goes under the bridge your door is always open to her?

The letter idea is a good one. As long as you think it would actually get to her. Could you deliver it via school maybe? Have you spoken to her school about all this?

I would go round and see her friends' mums in person and put them straight about the lies. As parents of teenagers themselves they should know what it can be like. Don't let this go unchallenged even if you can't or don't feel ready to take it up with DD herself.

This pretty much happened to me, but now me and DD are closer than ever. I have to get ready for work now but will post in more detail tonight, probably at 9.30 ish, when I finally get home again!

I wonder if you post on relationships or get this moved there, you may get some better advice.

It sounds like your dd if spending too much time with your parents and ex is being fed some crap about what an awful person you are and hence why she is now turning against you.

Does she still go to the same school? Could you speak to her guidance teacher? and for you and hope one day she realises what she has lost by turning against you.

Hmmmm.....a tough one. As someone who did something similar when I was 15 this is my opinion. As hard as this sounds, do not engage with her anymore. That is not to say you should ignore her if she contacts you but do not attempt to make contact from your end. At the moment she knows your upset and frustration (understandably) and this will feed the drama. She feels totally vindicated in her decision to leave your home and this is fuelled by her father and grandparents. She may well be getting the freedom and lack of boundaries but the novelty will wear off eventually. If she contacts you, avoid emotional responses. She will come round eventually but hang in there, stay calm and avoid becoming part of all the drama. At this age it is all about them.

I'd be heartbroken if my DD did this. Your ex is completely out of order. Can you talk to him?

This has happened to me

After 17 years of working my ass off to be the best parent I possibly could I'm left thinking, where the hell did I go wrong?

Similar situation, except my dd went to live with her GPS and not her "df". For the first 6 months I tried desperately to remain in positive contact, but my dd abused me verbally.
There is no other way to put it, she really did. Reduced me to tears saying incredibly nasty things and then laughing when I cried & called me pathetic.
I don't even recognise her anymore.
I have not had contact for 4 months, after the last incident, I've had to try a different tact. I'm just to available for her, too desperate to do whatever it takes to make things right.
I need to be unavailable

My dd has also said terrible things about me to whoever would listen.... And lots of people do. People like the judgement & gossip. It is terribly disloyal & I feel truly ashamed of my dd...however I wouldn't go round trying to defend yourself.
People will make up their own mind & quite often people choose to believe malicious accusations for purely salacious reasons. Don't engage with it any further, it is beneath you.
You will feel better in time, stop blaming yourself.
I cling on to stories of pple who have been through this and whose dd's have come back to them once they have matured.

I've heard that they can realise that those boundaries we put in place for them that they hated us so much for- that they come to realise how they kept them safe all those years.

((((Hugs))))

I had a similar situation with DD when she was 15 and decided she wasn't going to live with my rules any more. After physical fights, where she bit and punched me, she took off to her DFs and stayed there about 3 months. He was predictably abusive to me on the phone, blamed me etc etc. Nightmare. DD saw DS at school and he would come home with horror stories about DD staying alone at her DFs and bringing her boyfriends round for the night whilst he (her DF) was staying out. What I didn't have though was Grandparents getting involved, which made it easier.

I went no contact and after 3 months, firstly exH contacted me very amenably (which was a first as he had been emotionally abusive) and asked if she could come home. He admitted that she missed me and needed to be back home. Then DD phoned and asked to come home, and turned up the following day. She settled back in immediately and hasn't been any problem since - she has matured into a lovely sensible young woman. We never really spoke about it afterwards, she had always been a Daddy's girl and I do think disney parenting by her DF was probably the cause of it. Once he had encouraged a teenage bundle of hormones to move in with him, the novelty wore off for both of them.

It all sounds very much an non event written down, a few years later, but at the time I was devastated and do know how you feel. Teenage girls can be volatile and emotional and don't really think through what they are doing. It isn't anything you have done wrong- in fact it is probably a result of you doing everything right iyswim.

Maybe speak to the school, so they know what is happening, but sit it out. Thinking of you, you will all get through this.

She's doing what most 15 yr olds would do if they could. None of them like rules and if they had somewhere else to live then they would take that option. Also, although you have valid reasons for being nc with your parents and that is completely reasonable, she will see no reason why she shouldn't do the same. Her 15yr old brain doesn't think rationally.

Just keep the door open for when she wants to come back, because she will.