To not invite STBXH to DS's 1st birthday

[itsmethechubbyfunster]

Ok. I know probably I am BU, obviously as it's his son too. BUT
EXH was emotionally abusive. He became physically abusive, so I left. He has always hated my family (another way to isolate me), for the most part hates his family too, hates all of my friends, and it's possible (though not a given) that he may kick off.

We are having a family BBQ at my new house to celebrate, and to be frank, I don't want him there. I thought about suggesting that he takes him for the afternoon of his actual birthday (day after) to have quality time/take him to his mums, whatever, but not invite to bbq.

my mum thinks I'm BU as I will have another 15+ years of shared birthdays but I don't a) want DS's party ruined, b) want the stress of knowing he will be there, wondering what he will say/do c) I don't really want him in my new home, my sanctuary now I've finally escaped his years of abuse.

AIBU??

It is never unreasonable to not want to be in the presence of someone who has abused you. It's a pity your mother doesn't get that but you shouldn't doubt it for a minute.

Your proposed solution is more than fair!

You are having a party at your house for your son. Presumably he could have a party at his house for his son too.

Why on earth would you even contemplate inviting him?

No....unless you need extra kindling to stoke up the BBQ

penny for the guy?

Don't invite him.

Come on Kid, it's your party!

YANBU. He can arrange his own celebration with his son if he so chooses.

No chance. ExH has never crossed the threshold here. It is your space and you can invite (or exclude) whomever you wish. Have you asked your mother why she thinks it would be appropriate to invite an abusive bully into your home?

As bill says ask your mum why she would want him in your home. In fact ask your mum how could she stand being in the company of a man that has hit/punched/kicked her child. How could she make small talk with him? I wouldn't want a man who assaulted my daughter anywhere near me. I am angry on your behalf.

Yanbu, not in the slightest.

In fact is it right that your child has unsupervised contact with him?

Also does your mum know he doesn't like your family? I'd be tempted to be very blunt with your mum, ie he said x about you. Or x about gran/sister/dad. Did you know during one argument he did x to me.

Harsh but it may stop her thinking it is acceptable for an abuser to be in your home.

YANBU.

YANBU.

We always have birthday parties for DSS with both sides of his family - so his dad (my DP) and his mum (DP's ex) and the partners, various GPs, half siblings, step siblings etc. But we're the only stepfamily I know who do this - I think it's more normal to do separate parties, to be honest.

And FGS I think it is COMPLETELY reasonable for you not to even contemplate this given the history of abuse there.

I suppose your mum is trying to put your little boy first and thinks all the adults should put their feelings to one side so he can have both parents with him on his birthday. But it's just not realistic for this to happen given the abuse and his hatred of your family. Even if you all tried your best to act nicely something is bound to kick off, your DS would inevitably pick up on the stress and tension and I doubt it would be a nice atmosphere for him.

Much better to both celebrate separately, and the upside is that he gets not just one but two birthday celebrations. I think you need to be firm with your mum here.

YANBU at all it's your house and you can do as you please in who you want round to celebrate a first great milestone. Enjoy your party,let him do his own thing.

Your suggestion of him having DS on actual birthday seems a perfect solution. You have a good celebration without; he gets to see DS on his birthday (just thinking what a court would see as reasonable).

Before anyone criticises this I am the mum who invited her ex to DS birthday party at the village hall. He turned up with the guests, left with the guests, did nothing to help, watched me pay for the entertainment, ignored me and my mum all afternoon, let his DS run about getting him drinks all afternoon, let my friends help me clear up. etc.

I think your compromise is perfect ATM.

Life will move on and there will be school plays, sports day, parents evening and other times when you have to be 'together'

I'm only saying this from my DC point of view but they love spending special occasions with both of us, and when your DC grows up he may want this.

That is going to take time, there is no rush and your son may prefer to have 2 birthdays

Yanbu at all you don't have to invite him to the party your having for him, especially there is a possibility he could be violent. He could have his own celebration girl ds birthday.

Thanks all.

My mum means well. She just has absolutely no idea about the lasting impact of abuse - he didn't beat me black and blue, so she found it harder to understand - for a very long time she felt I should be trying again, finding out 'what pressure he is under to make him act this way' try marriage counselling etc etc. Shortly after I left I told her everything - including his attitude towards them (although how they didn't notice I don't know) - I told them about some really horrific incidences because I was desperate for her to understand.

She has found the whole thing difficult, couldn't help me move into my new house because it was 'too painful' for example - and now I think she is trying to pretend like we are any other separated couple and should be able to parent together.

What she can't get her head round is the fact that he is not a normal person.

YANBU.

Those issues your mother has are hers, leave her to them.

You are going the right thing. Your home is your safe place why would you want him there.

Enjoy your day, he burned his bridges!

Xxxxxx

Sounds to me like your having another 15+ years of shared birthdays is a great reason to lay down a clear marker now. If you try to appease him, it's hard to see how that will end well given his history of abuse?