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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is this sleep deprivation talking?

19 replies

AllAboveBroad · 29/05/2014 14:27

I have one 8 month DS. DH is out of the house for about 15 hours a day with work on weekdays and every third weekend. NC with DH's parents and mine almost four hours drive away so when I go back to work in September I am having to go part time or we couldn't afford the full time childcare.
I take DS to a baby group every Tuesday, which is very friendly and we both really enjoy. I've made some good friends through it.
A few weeks ago a new lady started. I would guess about 25, very glamorous, beautifully made up and manicured. She has two month old twins. I am sad to say I find her intensely irritating, which is very unlike me. This lady regaled us all this week with details of her childcare arrangements. Apparently her DP's mum has the twins for two mornings a week so she can do "hair, nails and sunbed". She isn't returning to work as childcare costs would be prohibitive. Her mum takes twins each Friday night so her and her DP can go out. Yet this lady moaned on Monday that she felt she had no time to be herself and she was finding it all exhausting. I dare say she is with two but her comments touched a nerve and I left a bit upset.
I usually approach new people at the group to make them feel welcome as it was such a lifeline to me. I'm now considering just not going back as this lady really rubs me up the wrong way and I don't want to create any atmosphere in a group of usually no more than 10 women. Am I just suffering from teething related tiredness and jealousy that my now size 14ness doesn't rate next to a bronzed size 8 who seems to have it all?

OP posts:
Original poster
AllAboveBroad · 29/05/2014 14:28

*sorry. Erroneous Monday there. Meant Tuesday group.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2014 14:31

Twins are an absolute nightmare. They are. You have no support. That's a nightmare too. Don't compare the inside of your life with the outside of hers.

Birdsgottafly · 29/05/2014 14:37

To put it simply, you're jealous.

Could you afford to go back to work if you had child are to pay for, for two babies?

If so, you are quite lucky to earn that much.

She is fortunate that she has close family to involved weekly with her babies. Otherwise, she may feel like her life is an out if control roller coaster.

slightlyconfused85 · 29/05/2014 14:37

I think it is sleep deprivation induced jealousy - sorry. She sounds very lucky to have lots of help, but equally twins must be incredibly hard no matter how much help you get! When I think of my DD as a newborn and double that it makes me feel a little bit ill...!! I think you should be as friendly to her as you are to others, she's probably really nice and maybe putting on a bit of a front due to her own shyness.

My mum has my DD every 2-3 weeks or so on a Friday night, I am 28 and also a size 8. I think I'm quite nice but perhaps you would feel the same about me?

Birdsgottafly · 29/05/2014 14:40

"This lady regaled us all this week with details of her childcare arrangements."

Did she really?

Or did she just get into conversation with the group, as a new Mum, of two babies, getting out of the house, when she can.

APlaceInTheWinter · 29/05/2014 14:43

Don't compare the inside of your life with the outside of hers.

^^ This. MrsTerryPratchett is very wise.

Give yourself a few weeks off the group if it will make you feel better but remember that you have no idea what her life is like. Maybe her dp doesn't help at all. Maybe she's desperate to return to work but feels obliged to stay at home.

If there is a part of her life that you would like then see if you can rejig your own time to make it happen. Almost impossible with no support but maybe your dp could commit to giving you some time? (When ds was little I always felt sad that I never got time to go to a nice hair salon. Then I realised that actually if I had a free 2 hours, I would use it to catch up on sleep rather than have posh hair for one day! That's just the way I prioritise).

You're having a hard time. It's difficult shouldering most of the responsibility of a lo on your own. But, ModelMum hasn't changed your situation. She really hasn't. You're in the exact same place you were before. If she lived elsewhere or went to a different group, it wouldn't affect you so try to keep some perspective and try not to compare to others. Honestly, that way madness lies! You will always come across someone who does more, whose child sleeps longer/reads faster, whose dp is Brad Pitt/Jamie Oliver and Nelson Mandela rolled into one. Try to just smile and shrug.

yummymumtobe · 29/05/2014 14:44

Try not to let it get you down. We all have problems and I'm sure she does too. I work part time and I'm sure some mums are jealous of me. However, I am jealous of them too as they get dressed up smartly for work, have nice client dinners and earn loads of money! We all envy certain things about each others lifestyles. There are always certain things to feel jealous of - of babies sleep, then if they walk, talk, get into the right school etc! It never stops! So just keep going to the group you were enjoying and accept that we all are fortunate in some ways and not others.

mumaa · 29/05/2014 14:45

Just remember one of my favourite phrases when encountering people who seem to be breezing through and have it all... The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence because it is usually fertilised with BS Wink

Original poster
AllAboveBroad · 29/05/2014 14:47

It was a bit of a regaling, yes. The rest of us (about six I think) just sat and listened to her for maybe five minutes or so just talking about her mornings off. No-one had much to say to her when she finished as I think we all must have been a bit jealous :)
I appreciate the comments. I think it has made me see that my life is what I make it and if I wanted to be a size 10 again and make time for hair and nails then I would find a way.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 29/05/2014 14:48

She gets help with two newborns two mornings a week and a Friday evening. That's not huge if you think about it.

You may think it's a trivial way to spend her time (doing make-up etc...) but it probably makes her feel good and 2 months after giving birth who'd begrudge that?

Original poster
AllAboveBroad · 29/05/2014 14:48

And mumaa that is a great saying :)

OP posts:
Original poster
AllAboveBroad · 29/05/2014 14:51

I don't think it's trivial at all - I'd love time to do those things!

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SaucyJack · 29/05/2014 15:02

Why can't you rub yourself down with Bisto go for a spray tan on the Saturdays your husband isn't at work?

I'm not really getting the angst tbh. I have a BF 12 week old meself, and it'd be a sad day when I started feeling jealous of someone with newborn twins over the amount of time they got to themselves (!).

middleagedspread · 29/05/2014 15:03

I'm really impressed that anyone with 2 month twins has their hair & nails done. If anyone had offered a morning a week when mine were that age I'd have been straight back in bed in trackie bottoms & greasy ponytail.
I wonder if she's struggling a bit and her family have jumped in to help & she's telling you all to make herself feel better.

pianodoodle · 29/05/2014 15:04

Lol OK! I thought it was how she was spending the free time that had caused the annoyance but obviously not Grin

I can't suggest anything help with the feeling envious (other than she probably is exhausted yadda yadda) but it would be a shame to miss out on a group because of those feelings.

If she'd been personally critical of you or nasty then maybe but that doesn't seem the case.

pianodoodle · 29/05/2014 15:06

Also - if I'm having a stressy day of looking grim and covered in baby sick I'm less likely to be arsed leaving the house :)

If I manage to look decent I feel better about heading out but if anyone thought that was how I looked 100% of the time they'd be wrong.

Original poster
AllAboveBroad · 29/05/2014 15:07

Nope not personally critical. She did make a comment when DS clunked himself on the head with a wooden brick he was trying to chew but I didn't say anything as I imagine the same will happen to her in six or seven months

OP posts:
Original poster
AllAboveBroad · 29/05/2014 15:10

SaucyJack - it's not that I'm desperate for a tan!
It was just she seemed to be taking the free time she had for granted. And maybe saying it to a room of knackered mums wasn't the best way to start at a new group.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 29/05/2014 15:15

Yeah, DH takes the baby when he gets home from work or whenever I need switch off on the weekend so I get plenty of free time to myself when I need it. My parents will take DD on any weekend we need a break. Our baby sleeps at night for 12 hours with a small break between that for a bottle so I'm never really too sleep deprived.

It's still hard work with just one baby as a new mom. There's still a lifestyle adjustment, there's still having to be at a tiny human's every demand when you were previously independent, and there's still a loss of free time together that me and DH used to have for just us.

I am not jealous of someone with twins.

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