To expect more respect from my ex (and more thought from my children)?

[Strawberry7]

It's my fiftieth in a couple of months. I'm so pleased to have got this far - I have a terminal disease - that it's a real cause for celebration for me. This evening my younger daughter mentioned in all innocence that her dad - my ex - was busy looking for a holiday for him and the two girls, over a particular week that included a very familiar date. I was so shocked, "on my birthday???" slipped out, along with a fair few tears. My daughter was horrified to realise that it was at the same time and said there was no way they'd be going away then.

I feel sad, because I have no other family apart from my daughters - I wish the date had jogged their memories without needing my help. And my stupid ex - who was with me for 20 years before he started cavorting with someone from work and left us while the girls were little... well, I know he knows when my birthday is. I should have been unreasonable with him from the start, but decided I should behave with dignity and self-respect. More fool me. I don't know why his capacity for spite still manages to shock me.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but is unreasonable to be as upset as I am tonight?

no

your ex sounds like a gigantic arsewipe.

Your daughter sounds lovely.

And hope you have a fantastic birthday x

No, I can totally see why you're upset tonight. It's not unreasonable to want your nearest and dearest (well, ex-dearest) to know a landmark birthday is coming up and when. Though on the bright side, at least your daughter reacted in the best way once she knew. Allow yourself tonight to feel bad, then start planning something really good for your birthday.

No, YANBU. Its a bastard thing to do. I suppose you could take some comfort from the fact that all's not happy in his world, clearly - or he would have definetely left the vindictiveness alone by now. Screen him out & have as little to do with him as possible, he's not worth the thought.

No, its not nice your DD didn't remember a key date, but its happened now. & at least she was suitably horrified and said no way would they be going away then. So that's good. I've 2 teens and there are dates I feel they should recall without question - but, they don't! Ive accepted they're young, and at times their minds are on other things. They're still discovering life.

Have a lovely birthday

That was awful of your ex. Your daughter sounds lovely. Agree with everything. Make sure you have a wonderful birthday.
Everyone is allowed to feel hurt about birthdays especially landmark ones and especially if you're ill. Hope you get spoilt rotten.

You are kind - thank you. He should be in my mental recycle bin, I know, but now and again I still find it hard to accept that someone could be so mean for no reason that I know of. It baffles me... Probably I need a thicker skin, so when I've finished this evening's wallowing, I'll do as suggested. Thank you again.

I'm going to throw a spanner in the works here. I think because it's important to you, then you have have got yourself upset over it. Genuinely as much as I love my mum I don't know when her birthday is. it's on the calender and it's set up to remind me when I get into that month. Birthdays , anniversaries etc to lots of people (me included) simply are not important. I never remember or celebrate my own particularly either. Perhaps they just fell into that mode? Perhaps your ex can only have certain dates off? I know I certainly wouldn't stop my children having the opportunity of a nice holiday just because it was my birthday

He's self-employed, maddie, so the choice is his. And I take your point, but in all previous years I've always fitted round opportunities for them to spend time/take holidays etc with him. I suppose it's feeling aware that my time is limited now and that he'll have lots of opportunities in the future that's making it sting a bit.

I will stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself once I've engaged in a little mental ranting and got it out of my system!

Sod your ex...you rant as much as you like, get it out of your system then pour yourself a nice glass of wine. & get planning how you can make your 50th really special for you

50th is a big deal.

There's a reason your ex is your ex.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday.

But don't blame your dc for not remembering. Unless the start or end date is your birthday, it doesn't jog your memory in the same way. If someone says 2-9 May then it down't cross my mind that it's over my birthday. If someone says 4th-11th then I'd immediately realise it started on my birthday.

I'd be hurt too, but her horrified reaction shows she does not want to leave you alone on your birthday, and just didn't have her thinking cap on. But congratulations for your upcoming 50th. Hope you have a lovely day with your daughters.

Fuckin hell, what a horrible thing for him to have even attempted! [anger]

I think your DDs should realistically be forgiven though, as the fact your birthday is in the middle of their projected holiday may not have registered, whereas if it had been the leaving/returning date it would have stuck out much more. AND now she knows, your DD has said "no way" to the holiday, so clearly your birthday, and you, DO matter enormously to her.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday after all with the people who care most about you xx

It's possible it slipped all their minds and ex wasn't doing it out of spite. Take a deep breath and put it down to a blip. Your daughters want to be with you and you'll have a great day :)