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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is unfair - husband and money

6 replies

blossomweary · 28/05/2014 23:27

Have name changed for this, but PomBears, Riven, etc., (but never naice ham, what was that thread all about? I see it referred to as a regulars badge of honour but it passed me by completely.)

I am very happy with DH, but of late, this has been really bugging me. We have both been lucky enough to earn very good money throughout our marriage, and at the start I would say I earned a bit more than DH, but in the last two years he has started to make £££££s. This is great - he works extremely hard and deserves his success.

However, there are a few things we are doing at the moment, renovations, things like that and I just can't contribute to the level that DH can. We have always contributed equally to the household and childcare costs. I know we are lucky to be able to do some really cool things in our life and to our home, but recently he 'jokingly' refers to 'his money' and 'I'm paying for everything' and it's starting to really get me down. I found myself today feeling obligated to pick his clothes off the floor and sorting out all his laundry because I felt guilty that he's paying for the lion's share of the things we are doing right now. I do it all the time and think nothing of it, but today I just felt a bit strange about it. It suddenly made me feel really 'emasculated' (I know that sounds weird because I'm not a man). But it's the first time in my life I've not been able to go halves exactly. I mean, I could, if we decided to do everything on the cheap, but it's our family home and we have the cash collectively to do things exactly as we'd like to because of DH's earning power at the moment.

I don't think I have ever (when I have been the bigger earner in a relationship) or would ever mention 'my money' when it comes to doing things for the family. It's not like I have ever, ever asked him to pay for my clothes or luxury items and I never would.

I just feel, oh I don't know, weird about it.
I'm being U, aren't I? Or am I not?

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 28/05/2014 23:40

Well have you told him? Tell him! Tell him to stop it or take his money and fuck off.

I would.

kickassangel · 28/05/2014 23:52

When you have children and a home together the concept of 'my money' becomes pretty meaningless. Would he say thos things to his children. Does he make those comments to hsi friends if he buys a round of drinks? It seems petty and mean of him, as if he values people according to how much money they are worth.

Try talking to him, it may just be a sudden rush of ego to his head.

But YANBU to be boethered by ti.

blossomweary · 29/05/2014 00:04

I did mention it this evening actually. I said I was hurt by it and that it makes me feel a bit crap. I might be being oversensitive as we work in the same field and while his career is going from strength to strength, I feel a bit that mine has had its high and is now starting to slip away. Maybe not slip away, more that it has arced and I won't ever be as successful again. We seem to have moved up a gear in terms of lifestyle/spending etc., and if the 18 year old me saw me now, she'd be pretty stoked at where I've ended up. Me now just feels a bit knackered and a bit of a failure. I think that is making me take it a bit to heart. He's not mean or an ego maniac at all, but he is always pushing me to do more, make more, try this, try that, when a large part of me thinks we're at a point where we could ease off the gas a bit and just enjoy life. I just don't feel I can mentally keep up with the make as much money as we can thing.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/05/2014 00:22

How did he react when you mentioned it?

LizLimone · 29/05/2014 00:40

He's being rude to underline constantly that 'his' money is paying for home renovations etc. If there is an earnings discrepancy then he should leave things like that out of it. How else is it going to make you feel other than dependent and guilty?

My DH earns a lot more than me and I sometimes joke with him if we're out shopping and can't decide on something e.g. a kitchen appliance etc that he's paying for it so he can decide Grin. He always is embarrassed and tells me not to say that because he sees it as our money and me saying otherwise makes him feel bad.

cerealqueen · 29/05/2014 00:45

Doyou have DC? How o you spilt non money stuff?

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