Overbearing mother...AIBU?

[queenofthepirates]

I need a bit of perspective to see whether I'm being ungrateful.

I've built up an online business from scratch, on my own as a single mum. A year ago I decided to open a shop alongside the online orders and found a nice enough place for sale. I made the mistake of mentioning to my mum who decided she was in love with the shop building and was going to buy it and rent it back to me (she's a part time property developer). I would have struggled to put the deposit together so I figured I would let her get on with it. That was a year ago and she still hasn't bought it.

I have tried to pin her down on practicalities like opening dates, rent and floor space but everytime I do, she gets shirty and talks me down. I finally pinned her down and she's going to give me about 1/3rd of what I was looking for at quite an expensive price and no completion date. Also I have to renovate the shop floor out of my own pocket and time. And I can lump it, it's not up for discussion. So I gently said I'd like to look at what else was available and she huffily told me to go ahead.

So I've found a perfect shop, 3 times the space for the same price, perfect location and parking. It's ready now and no renovations needed. So I went to talk to her today and got an emotional breakdown from her. I am an ungrateful madam (I'm 40) who is breaking her heart and she's done this all for me and she's poured thousands into this and how could I be so morally corrupt.

How do I handle this? I don't want to fall out with her but renting from her is just such hard work emotionally. She won't listen to me, throws accusations all over the place and even when I went back to try and calm things over so we didn't part on a sour note, she launched back into how awful I am to her. I had to walk out.

I know she is being controlling and I shouldn't have walked into this but how do I get out of it without causing a major breakdown in our relationship?

Oh op, I think you have to seperate your work from your mother

I don't fully understand but I can you rent another property without her help ? I think you need to do that even if it means renting a cheap place and not your ideal lace. Try to avoid too much emotional stuff. Eatting sucked into all this on a long term basis will be a lot harder than one short sharp stop to it now.

Getting not eatting

YANBU - she had every opportunity to get her act together. Well done on this new find.

I hope she finds a suitable tenant for the original place.

How about if you wrote her a letter? You could explain how excited you were about the shop and how you were pleased to be going into business alongside her, but that the reality has been considerably different from your expectations.

If you want to smooth things over, you could suggest that if you are already having these kinds of problems working together, then perhaps it's best to cut your losses now and avoid damaging your relationship any further or blurring the lines in your mother/daughter relationship by becoming landlord/tenant.

If you want to get it off your chest, then tell her that she is making it difficult for you to achieve what you want to, and you don't want to have to make financially unsound decisions to avoid upsetting her. The proposition is simple, and if she is unable to offer you a competitive price and decent conditions then you aren't interested. She didn't go into this to help you out did she, she went into it as a business investment, so she needs to be businesslike about it. Emotional blackmail and inflexible terms aren't how people do business and the fact that she is your mother doesn't mean you have to put up with it, especially if it will mean you pay out more in the process as well!

Your mother is being completely unreasonable, tell her that mixing family and business isn't working so you renting elsewhere is the best solution all around.

I know she is being controlling and I shouldn't have walked into this but how do I get out of it without causing a major breakdown in our relationship?

You didn't cause the problem and you won't ever make it a healthy and respectful relationship unless you change the way you react.

Rather than let her emotional theatrics dictate how you feel, just get on with the important stuff, ie your business, finding premises that you can rent professionally and cracking on with your life.

All the noise is of her making. If she wants to have a proper adult relationship with you, tell her your boundaries and what will happen if she chooses not to respect them.

It's a shock when we discover that our own parents are incapable if acting like rational grown ups but once that subsides you've got do much else going for you that it really will be her loss.

Use your energies wisely. Trying to change her brhaviour is a mug's game.

Good luck with the business.

Just tell her you can see difficulties right now down the line if you mix business with personal life and you would hate fall out with her.

Gosh, thank you everyone, I wasn't expecting that! I'm going to take the advice and write her a letter.

Make sure you get in there before she has the opportunity to mess this up for you! It's bloody awful controlling/manipulating behaviour!