OH stressed about money and desperate to get out of debt ... But it's all so one sided

[PowerQuilt]

So for the past week or so DP has been in a massive grump about money saying we're skint, he's never been so skint, it's stressing him out, he works too hard to be skint etc etc. I'm also stressed that we're always in the overdraft so have started working nights and weekends to top up our income and have quit my hobby (horse riding which I loved) and turned down numerous nights outs to save money. DP on the other hand has been on a number of nights outs and until recently was enjoying premiership football match tickets etc. but now apparently we're so skint that he agrees, all unnecessary expense must stop until we clear the overdraft. Yet he comes home tonight telling me about another night out he wants to go on this Friday despite me cancelling mine last weekend and offering to work all this weekend to top up our income?! He spends a fortune when he goes out and I'm really starting to begrudge my own boring and sedate lifestyle whilst he seems to be living the life of Riley whilst apparently being oh so stressed about money??! So it's just me having to give up any social life is it? Maybe I should just go and live at work so the money keeps coming in and he can keep up with his engagements ffs. This overdraft will never fuck off and it's like flogging a dead horse when you're the only one making an effort despite being whinged at that it's not enough by the one going out having fun

how much debt do you have, just the overdraft? Any car loans, credit cards?

I kept my own bank account when I was married we split all bills in half so it I wanted to spend 300 on shoes I could because it was my money

Both of you have to work on this, otherwise every step forward you make will be dragged back by him. He needs to man up and share the responsibility otherwise you will end up massively resenting this man-child.

What is your hourly rate at nights and weekends?

How many extra hours do you have to put in for him to have one football ticket or evening out?

He is a selfish bastard.

It will come to you being one of these women wearing shoes with holes and not getting your haircut while he swans around happily.

Sit him down and tell him this plainly.

Have you worked out a budget with spending money for each? You could withdraw cash each week for your spending money and then he could save up if he wants to go out.

...or he could work overtime to get the extra money.

We have a credit card that allows us to track what we are spending on what. It divides payments into things like petrol, groceries etc. It helps us to see where the money goes.

Speak to him and let him see where the money is going - on him. Then open your own bank account, so you have your own money. He's a selfish bugger

You need to have a boring sit down detailed chat with pens paper and even maybe a graph, showing all the extra money you are making and saving, and what he is contributing. By the end of it agree to separate your finances and bank accounts, you take on half the overdraft (or whatever agreed percentage based on your circumstances).

Let him handle himself!

You're right.

Either there's enough slack in the household finances for the occasional luxury - in which case, they should be shared equally, including the kids - or there isn't - in which case no-one should indulge until the overdraft is cleared.

Does he not value what you do around the home?

I vote for a moderate personal allowance each. If he agrees to a small amount he can't go on the lash, if enough for him, then you can spend the same without feeling guilty.

It does sound as if you both might have been carrying out some quite expensive activities, as both riding and premiership football are quite pricey. But then again, my DH and I have fairly simple tastes relative to our income.

However, you must both cut according to your cloth and the cuts must cut both ways! A budget is the only way forward. If he can't work with that then you need to think seriously about whether or not you can go forward with him.

Yep you need to have a frank discussion about how the finances are shared from now on!

You make a point of asking how much he spent and then saying that's good, my £x will get me another couple of riding lessons.

Not sure where you are with your riding ability but it's worth looking into getting a share or helping out an owner in return for rides.

I agree with sorting out a budget with spending money for each of you. If he wants to go out on Friday and drink tsp water then he can. It's certainly not fair for him to spend joint money.

All families do this differently but I have always viewed both wages as family money I have always earnt around double dh but both wages are for our family and go into the same account I would not think it was fair if I got to keep more than dh just because I earn more than him however this is probably because we are always skint when we are not so sling I would think it would be fair to keep the same amount of each of our income whatever that might be eg 100 pounds or whatever for our selves as we both work as hard as each other!

What a selfish tosser

What an asshole.