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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't know where I stand

25 replies

YANAgurl1973 · 28/05/2014 14:49

Been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Only see him at weekends as I live with my dad and 3 kids. None of my family and friends like him as he has narcissistic traits,so can come across a bit selfish and off I suppose. No talk of marriage or moving in together. Am I wasting my life? He is 40 and I'm 35.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/05/2014 14:50

In short........yes you are.

magpiegin · 28/05/2014 15:07

Have you asked him about marriage and moving in together?

cantbelievethisishppening · 28/05/2014 15:09

Yes. Seven years and only see each other at weekends. What do you get out of this set up?

CoffeeTea103 · 28/05/2014 15:16

Yes you are

Original poster

YANAgurl1973 · 28/05/2014 15:18

He takes me away for weekends,meals out and trips to London,a break away from my kids. My dad babysits. I'm away Friday nights to sun afternoon. Looking after the kids is hard work so look forward to my weekends. Other than that,would like to have some kind of commitment I guess...but then I also do think I kind of like it this way...am split really. Friends and family think it's an odd setup...

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 28/05/2014 15:19

Do you want to get married and move in together? Have you actually talked to him about it?

Unless you both know what the other wants then it's kind of hard to say based on your post.

He may be a selfish arse or he may be following your lead given that you're the one with 3 kids to consider and doesn't want to put pressure on you.

BookieTubules · 28/05/2014 15:19

Depends what you want out of life really doesn't it?

If you're happy with the way things are - then no. If you want to live together, to get married or have more children then yes, probably.

cantbelievethisishppening · 28/05/2014 15:21

Am assuming you don't do anything together with your kids.

justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2014 15:22

Do you both do things with the kids, or is it just you and him at weekends?

IDugUpADiamond · 28/05/2014 15:23

Your dad is a saint

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 28/05/2014 15:27

Do you want to live with him?
Have you asked him if he is happy as things are or if he sees the relationship progressing?
Do your DC ever see him?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/05/2014 15:31

So no family life with your children then - effectively on a weekend you have no ties.

That's not reality - how old are your children? When do you get quality time with them?

Sounds like an odd set up to me - why would you not want to spend your weekends with your children doing nice stuff with them?

Original poster

YANAgurl1973 · 28/05/2014 15:33

My kids are 18,16 and 11. My older 2 hate him,my youngest likes him. Sometimes youngest will join us some part of the weekend. Mostly it's just me and him.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/05/2014 15:35

Well in all fairness your older two probably have their own stuff going on. A bit harsh on the 11 year old though. My DS is 11 and there is no way I would be away every weekend and leaving him. Can you not maybe do one weekend away and one weekend with your OH and son.

If your OH cannnot realise you and your children are a package then for me that would be it.

Hoppinggreen · 28/05/2014 15:35

He might like ( love?) you but he obviously doesn't want to be part of your family unit.
Suggest you find someone else

YouTheCat · 28/05/2014 15:37

Kids can be very good judges of character.

Thurlow · 28/05/2014 15:47

It depends what you are after. If you'd like to eventually move in together, share a house, share all your life together than yes, it sounds like you are being taken for a ride.

If you want someone who provides you with attention and entertainment separately from your kids and don't want to become one big family then no, maybe he is ok for you.

Meeeep · 28/05/2014 15:52

Your kids hate him, he is a narcissist, you've been together 7 years with no sign of commitment. I'd ditch him tbh.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 28/05/2014 15:54

Agree with meeep don't waste anymore time on him.

magpiegin · 28/05/2014 15:56

But have you asked him what he wants? That is the only way of knowing if you are wasting your time.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 28/05/2014 15:58

Maybe your older two don't like him as he takes their mum away from them every weekend and they resent that?

Doesn't sound like much is going to change unless you push it. However that may force you to call time on things if you don't get what you think you want. 7 years is a long time to be in limbo.

justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2014 16:08

You sound unsure about what you want. Or are you afraid to rock the boat?

AMumInScotland · 28/05/2014 16:14

Honestly? It sounds like the main thing you get out of this is an excuse for getting away from your children. He takes you away, and you get to leave ordinary life, and the reality of having three children, behind.

I can see why that might appeal, but it's not exactly a relationship, is it? And it sounds like it may well be spoiling things with your children, if they hate him. You've been seeing him for 7 years - have you really barely spent any weekends with your children since they were 11, 9, and 4?

whois · 28/05/2014 16:20

So you go away every weekend? My god your dad is amazing looking after your kids for you. Also not sure how great it is for your kids to be left every weekend while their mum swans off. One weekend a month, maybe alternate weekends, but EVERY week? Thanks kinda harsh on the children.

If you're happy with the arrangement then you're not wasting you're life. If you'd like more of a family man then yeah, you're wasting time.

LancashireTea · 28/05/2014 18:54

On one hand I can see why you are happy to keep the status quo with this relationship and if works for you, then you should carry on, especially if it makes you happy. If I were you I would try and incorporate the other two children into the relationship more.

On the other hand, having had an ex who I was with for over 7 years (thankfully without children in hindsight), then if he won't live with you now, or commit any further, then I'd be asking questions about the bigger picture. Does he have other commitments? Why does everyone regard him as a narcissist?

If I were you, I'd end the relationship and find someone who wants to be with me.

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