To not want to go?

[Mrsfrumble]

DH is in a band. They have their first ever gig on Friday evening and he wants me to go and support him. I do want to see him play, but I don't want to leave our children who are 3 and 1. I would have to leave the house before 8pm and get a cab to the venue, and although I could get the baby to sleep before then (if she's really tired) the three year old will definitely still be awake.

The problem is that we moved abroad last year, 5000 miles away from our friends and family. We have made some friends here that I would be happy to leave the children with, but they will all be at the gig too! DH and I spoke about getting an agency sitter, but as the date gets closer I'm having some serious reservations about leaving them with someone they (and I) will never have met before.

Neither of them are used to being looked after by anyone other than DH and me (I'm a SAHM and they are with me all the time). The little one (19 months) is quite easy going but has separation anxiety and the 3 year old is very highly-strung and can be a real handful. My inlaws have been staying with us for the past few weeks and have babysat a couple of times; the first time went off smoothly, but the second time was rough. Both children were screaming their heads off when we left and the 3 year old was refused to anything he was told and was very rude to my poor FIL (although was in bed when we got home).

I'm worried that he'll react badly being left and be a real nightmare, or that the baby will wake up and panic because I'm not there - this happened last time we were back in the UK and we left her with my mum (who she knows!) and my mum had to call us to come home because she was so hysterical. I'm also worried that if anything goes wrong I won't be able to get home easily as I'll have to get another cab.

I told DH this evening that I don't I can go, and he's obviously really upset. I'm starting to wonder if I'm being totally neurotic. Am I?

I think you need to work at getting some sort of reliable baby-sitting - maybe try out the agency service in advance of the gig. Are you really planning never to have an evening out with your husband or friends?

No, I know we need do need to find someone in the long-term, but the gig is this Friday! Ideally I'd like someone who would pop round to the house during the day beforehand so that I could meet them and introduce the children and see how they get on. I've never used an agency before so I don't know if this a normal / reasonable expectation.

To be fair, I've known about the gig for ages, but with my inlaws staying I've been distracted and didn't get round to making arrangements before this week

To be honest I don't think you can arrange anything for Friday. I have every sympathy for the position you are in, we also live in another country from DD and she is quite shy and clingey so won't take easily to strangers. It is a nuissance but I don't think you have many options other than to find someone local and work with him/her for longer term babysitting help.

I would ring the agency and talk to them. They may have someone who is willing to come for a couple of hours in the day to meet the kids.

If it's really important to your DH I would arrange a babysitter (agency, children's nursery, friend's recommendation???, neighbour???) and ask them to come about 7.30-8, then put the children to bed yourself, with babysitter sitting reading a magazine or watching TV, and leave once children are asleep. You may/may not decide to explain to the 3 year old that you are going out but at least if he has met the person, who you could introduce as a new friend of yours, he won't be totally freaked if he wakes to find her there and you not there. How often do the children wake in the evening? Hopefully there wouldn't be an issue anyway.

I always put my children to bed early if there is a babysitter (not the 9 and 5 year old now) but I wouldn't expect a baby or toddler to be put to bed by anyone other than me or v close friend/family member - maybe I am very precious!!

I also think (which you already know) you must make some kind of arrangement for childcare as being so far from family you really might need it one day and it would be awful to have to try and arrange it in an emergency. Sorry, not being voice of doom but we are in a similar position and my 11 month old DD goes to nursery one day a week simply for that reason. It is also important for your own head space and your couple relationship too.

Possibly stupid question, but I would consider doing it myself - can you not take them with you?