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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could go back in time (may be upsetting)

20 replies

Charila · 28/05/2014 01:31

have NCed for this but am a regular - pom bears, cutted up pear, penis beaker etc.

I have a nearly 10 year old DS, I was 15 when I gave birth and suffered PND, he was conceived through rape (by someone who sexually abused me for years). I wasn't brave enough to tell my parents, I was a very rebellious teenager and they just assumed it was some boy I'd met at a party (ironically despite putting myself in every dangerous position possible DS's father was actually a youth worker I met through school) My parents agreed to bring DS up and have adopted him. This was the best thing at the time, he knows i'm his real mum and I see him 3 times a week and speak to him every day but I wish I could be a proper mum to him.

I have a 5 year old, who lives with me and my DP and I worry that DS might feel bad that I'm being a mum to her but not him but at the same time I don't want to move him as he's been through a lot with his Dad trying to snatch him and years of court cases etc (because no one knew how he was conceived and that meant his Dad could still try for contact) and his psychiatrist agrees that moving out my parents and away from his friends would be the worst thing for him atm.

Its just getting to me and I'd like to go back in time, not to stop him being born as he's brilliant but to make me ask for help rather than struggling and failing by myself. Sad

I've completely screwed up his life haven't I?

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 28/05/2014 01:39

You sound like one of my cousins. She had a similar situation, where her parents adopted her child because she was with an abusive boyfriend. Had a daughter a few years later that lives with her while her son lives with her mom. He's turned out alright. Very sweet, and smart kid.

My best friend growing up was adopted by her grandparents and she turned out just fine as well.

His life isn't screw up. You did the best thing for him at the time. :)

AgentZigzag · 28/05/2014 01:43

I don't have any experience of what you've been through, but you were in a vulnerable position and did the best you could by your lad.

That's not completely screwing up his life.

Have you ever talked to him about where he'd like to live and what's gone on with his dad?

Original poster
Charila · 28/05/2014 01:48

I've talked to him about what's gone on between him and his Dad, but never about what his Dad did to me as I dont think he should know that. He said he wants to stay with my parents but that was 2 years ago.

OP posts:
gwenig2 · 28/05/2014 01:50

Your not screwed up. Your a amazing women who made the best of a truly horrid situation. Talk to your son ask him what he wants, show him, tell him you love him. You have got this far stay strong and it will work out xxxx

AgentZigzag · 28/05/2014 02:05

Sorry, I meant what had gone on with his dad and the court cases/him trying to snatch your DS (does your DS remember him doing that?).

Two years is a long time, there's a big difference between 8 and 10. How does he get on with your DD? Have you ever asked him outright whether he'd like to move in with you all? Does he feel he can tell you where he'd really prefer to live do you think? Without feeling he's betraying your parents somehow.

Would you like him to live with you?

It's a complicated situation and from the little you've posted you love your DS and are making decisions you think are right for him, even if it means even more pain for yourself.

That's a very long way from a parenting fail IMO.

Original poster
Charila · 28/05/2014 02:27

Thanks gwenig2.

Agent, He remembers the trying to snatch him, he was 6 and still has nightmares about it and court cases only finished 2 years ago so he remembers them.

He loves DD and when they are together they are lovely but too lovely iyswim, like shes a guest not an annoying little sister, they never fight and they do what she wants all the time.

I did ask him out right but as you said there's a big difference between 8 and 10, he was adamant about all the reasons my parents are better than me, which is great in that he's happy but horrible to hear, I think he knows he can move in here anytime he likes, he has a bed here and I know my parents have done their best to make sure he knows its his choice and they wont be offended but I don't know how much he believes it. I'd love him to move in with me but I'm not sure how much of that is being selfish wanting my little boy rather than whats best for him. When I asked before it really upset him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charila · 28/05/2014 02:32

Princess, it's good to know children come out of stuff like this ok. Did they find it hard growing up? especially explaining to people that the people they live with aren't their parents?

OP posts:
feathermucker · 28/05/2014 02:36

You so haven't screwed up his life. You did the best thing for him; never think you didn't.

feathermucker · 28/05/2014 02:37

You so haven't screwed up his life. You did the best thing for him; never think you didn't.

AgentZigzag · 28/05/2014 02:41

It can't be selfish to want your little boy Sad Of course you want him with you.

He'll be able to tell you feel like that by seeing how much you care about him, which must come out when you're with him/talking to him.

What makes it so frustrating (not sure that's the right word) is that none of this is your fault or his (I don't want to write what I think of his father, especially the snatching bit), and you can only go with what you've got now.

AgentZigzag · 28/05/2014 02:57

Also, there are 9 years difference between my two DDs, and although they do argue (mostly when 13 YO DD1 won't immediately obey bossy 4 YO DD2) they do get on really well.

I don't think it's surprising that a 10 YO lad isn't mithering his 5 YO sister in the same way you'd expect siblings who are closer in age to behave. My not much older than me brother was a total twat to me when we were young, I wouldn't wish that on anyone (not that you're wishing your DS was like that of course!), but they sound to have a lovely relationship, they could grow up to be very close because of it.

PrincessBabyCat · 28/05/2014 03:04

Princess, it's good to know children come out of stuff like this ok. Did they find it hard growing up? especially explaining to people that the people they live with aren't their parents?

Not that I know of. It was just one of those common knowledge things. My friend just told people about in the same manner she would tell them she's left handed. It was just the way it was. No one ever thought anything of it. Kids will accept abnormal situations as normal, adults are the ones that take things at more than face value iykwim.

Original poster
Charila · 28/05/2014 03:30

Thanks feather, it just doesn't feel like it sometimes.

I don't think there are words to describe what most people think of his father and the snatching, luckily his Dad didn't even get him out the park but it's terrifying thinking what could have happened.

I fought with most of my siblings, except the youngest as shes the same age as DS, so it seemed weird to me, maybe its just the age gap and that they aren't together 24/7 though. I feel your DD1's pain, my sister is 10 years younger than me and she could be a bossy cow as a little child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charila · 28/05/2014 03:31

Kids will accept abnormal situations as normal, adults are the ones that take things at more than face value I hope so.

OP posts:
WhoDaresWins · 28/05/2014 09:13

You haven't screwed him up. He's grown up in a loving and stable home. It's lack of that that screws people up.

wheresthelight · 28/05/2014 09:46

What an awful serious of events to deal with op!!

You haven't screwed his life up!! You have given him the absolute best start in life by realising your parents were the better option at the time! Please be kind to yourself!

As for the relationship between him and your dd, not all siblings fight. My dsis and I fight still in our 30's but my dsc's NEVER fight! They play scarily well together and it's taken a long time for me to get my head around it.

Don't push him too much, make sure he knows he is welcome and leave it up to him. I know that will be hard but this little boy has been through so much that putting pressure on him could be very damaging.

Well done for being so strong and brave and coming through this!!

kali110 · 28/05/2014 09:55

Op you did what you thought was best for your child at the time. I think what you did is a really selfless act, you put your child first.

yellowdinosauragain · 28/05/2014 09:57

I agree with everyone who has said you have done everything you can with your son's best interests in mind, despite the fact that this has sometimes conflicted with what you'd wanted. To my mind that's the absolute definition on a fantastic mum.

Do you think you could at least tell your parents what really happened? This might actually help you.

HolgerDanske · 28/05/2014 12:18

You did the very best thing you could have done for your son.

He knows you love him.

((((Hugs)))) for you.

herecomesthesunlala · 28/05/2014 12:53

No good advise i'm afraid, but wishing you the best of luck - your DS sounds happy and loved

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