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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance myself from this friend even if it makes her think I'm jealous?

27 replies

SatisfiedSadInside · 27/05/2014 22:27

I have been very good friends with a girl since college (so roughly 8ish years).

We used to go out once a week to have drinks or dinner ... it got a little less when she moved 45 minutes away but it's just one of those things.

We went out for a mutual friends birthday over a month ago now and I asked her if she was free on x date (2 weeks from then) to go out for a drink and she seemed very reluctant and didn't seem to want to give a yes or a no.

I casually mentioned to her was she saving up for something so didn't want to spend money on nights out and she stated that she wasn't, and then said - and you know I'm not single anymore right? (She had been on 2 dates at that point but they are now in a full blown head over heels relationship)

I never bothered to mention the night out again and haven't bothered to ask her out since and neither has she. I go out with my friends and have a good time regardless of what their relationship status is and I feel sad that obviously I'm only worth going out with if she is single too.

However it's pretty obvious this will come across as me being jealous. I'm not, I'm genuinely happy for her but I don't want the rejection of her saying no to me if I asked her if she'd like to go out - because it felt pretty humiliating before.

OP posts:
Squidstirfry · 27/05/2014 22:50

Bit of an over reaction from someone who says they're not jealous...

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 27/05/2014 22:51

yanbu, what's she gonna do if and when they split up Confused

AgentZigzag · 27/05/2014 22:55

Is going out a must for you in the friendship?

If it is and she's not up for it then it doesn't matter what she thinks about why you're distancing yourself, you won't see her again.

But why not just carry on as you are and give it a few weeks before just sending a chatty email about what you've been up to etc, accept the friendship's changed and 'go with the flow' you're obviously good friends and you have other friends you go out with, just keep what you have with her on the back burner to be maybe picked up another time?

Original poster
SatisfiedSadInside · 27/05/2014 22:56

Bit of an over reaction from someone who says they're not jealous...

Well if that's your opinion then that's fine.

I'd like to know how you think I overreacted however?

I asked a friend if they'd like to go out, she said she wasn't single anymore (so pretty much a no).

Since then she hasn't asked me to go and I haven't asked her either. I don't see how that makes me jealous. Unless you think every single woman is jealous of all couples Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
SatisfiedSadInside · 27/05/2014 22:58

Is going out a must for you in the friendship?

Well kind of. Surely friends go out. Whether it's to the cinema, just for dinner, or out for a couple of drinks etc.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 27/05/2014 23:02

So now she has had a couple of dates with the new guy she is 'in a relationship' and no longer wishes to go out for drinks with her single friend

Awful Confused

EmptyNestAgain · 27/05/2014 23:04

No, YANBU. As Agent says, leave it a couple of weeks and then send a chatty email. If she is really just all loved up, they she'll soon come back when things settle down.

EBearhug · 27/05/2014 23:09

Surely if you haven't been out as much as you used to, then you're already distancing yourself?

I'd probably send an email and see how things go. Are you really that close, if you didn't know she was seeing someone? If I had a new man on the scene, I'd be telling my best friends (not least for the "let someone know where you're going" safety aspect of first dates.) Or maybe I misread that.

gobbin · 27/05/2014 23:18

The joy of being 46 is having friends but knowing that you don't have to live in each others' pockets. I have friends I see once every six weeks or so and others every six months. They're still good friends with other aspects of life going on.

Chill, she's in a different life-place to you, let her be. The odd text of friendship/support will keep it alive if it's worth it.

Original poster
SatisfiedSadInside · 27/05/2014 23:52

Surely if you haven't been out as much as you used to, then you're already distancing yourself?

No, but to go from living a 5 minute drive to a 40 minute (in normal traffic) you are naturally going to see someone less.

I'd probably send an email and see how things go. Are you really that close, if you didn't know she was seeing someone? If I had a new man on the scene, I'd be telling my best friends

She told me she was being set up with someone and that I knew they had been talking.

OP posts:
greenbananas · 28/05/2014 00:32

Many people do neglect their old friends when they are all loved up and in a new relationship. It's not right, but it's fairly normal.

Don't be offended. She is probably just do absorbed in the love of her life that she isn't thinking straight. Hang in there until she settles back into reality - hopefully she will be happy with him forever and start seeing her old friends again soon, but stand by to support her just in case if all goes wrong. ..

AgentZigzag · 28/05/2014 00:34

I've got friends I don't go out with now, but because we've known each other so long it survives even when we never see each other from one year to the next.

One friend over the years has gone quiet whenever there's a bloke on the scene, I just accepted that because I was happy she was happy and we just carry on as we always are whenever we meet up/email/message each other.

We used to go out all the time, but things change. Coincidentally she's actually changed so much recently (because of a specific interest) that I don't really feel we've got that much in common any more, but I'd never do anything about it.

Mrsjayy · 28/05/2014 08:11

It was one night out really not the end of the world you are going to look petty and a bit if a brat you are not her world you have not been rejected

Pagwatch · 28/05/2014 08:27

I think you sound more upset than the situation really warrants tbh.
Some people do this. I tend to think its more childish and a bit lame rather than hurtful and dreadful. Going quiet on your friends because a man is on the scene is a common enough thing, evn if it is a bit pathetic really.

But tbh if you haven't asked her out and she hasn't asked you then I'm not sure why you will be seen as jealous - it sounds as if you are just a bit cool with each other but I doubt she's fretting about it, what with all the love

If I were you I would be wondering why I was so cross about behaviour which is a bit lame and selfish but not malicious and decide if I actually really liked her. That would determine how I proceed.

SunnyRandall · 28/05/2014 08:33

Not sure how you think you can be the one doing any "distancing" when she has quite clearly done that already.

Also - what AgentZigZag said.

IDugUpADiamond · 28/05/2014 08:34

You sound a little hard done by to be honest. I think you just need to give her some space to get used to her new relationship, don't take it so personally.

Squidstirfry · 28/05/2014 08:47

As you asked, it seemed like an over reaction, simply because after one incident of coming second to her new fella has resulted in an internal furore including feeling humiliated and wanting to distance yourself.

That sort of reaction to feeling second place is usually called jealousy...

It's not accusing in anyway! I'm actually trying to help...

Gobbin puts it well! "Chill"

:)

glenthebattleostrich · 28/05/2014 08:53

I used to have a friend who dropped all her friends when she got a boyfriend. Note the used to!

She just stopped turning up for arranged meetings, cut contact back to minimum and wouldn't make plans unless they were for couples. She just didn't understand after the 3rd time she did it why most of her friends wouldn't pick up where she left off iyswim.

If it's a situation like this, and the OP has been stung before then I don't think distancing herself is a bad thing.

eddielizzard · 28/05/2014 08:56

i had a friend who did this. we aren't friends anymore. this idea that you only have a boyfriend or friends, that they're mutually exclusive is immature.

glenthebattleostrich · 28/05/2014 09:00

I agree eddie, and it is so frustrating that you are painted as the bad guy because they can't maintain more than 1 relationship.

Beardlover · 28/05/2014 09:01

I think you need to check if you have been dropped? Text her to meet and see what her response is.

You will only know if you are being dropped if you ask her to go out.

Beardlover · 28/05/2014 09:02

You need clarification.

Arsepaste · 28/05/2014 09:04

I found the "are you saving up?" comment to her really weird. She didn't want to go out so the only reason must have been that she was saving money? How ... odd.

Only1scoop · 28/05/2014 09:05

The 'saving up' comment was a bit random I thought Blush

SixImpossible · 28/05/2014 09:10

I think you're being a bit silly. She's still in the head-over-heels phase. In a few weeks' time she'll probably be ready either to go out without her new squeeze, or to include him on a group night out.