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AIBU?

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Original poster

For rejecting contact with my father because of racism towards my partner?

28 replies

endorphinmonster · 27/05/2014 13:19

I'm 2 months pregnant. I'm white and my partner is black. Ever since we started going out at uni, my dad never really warmed to him. My mother did (my parents are divorced). There was always something he'd say to me in private that was always negative. It was small, petty, ridiculous stuff - things like the football team my partner supported or the fact he doesn't drink but he smokes. A few days ago my dad started going on about why he doesn't get a "real job" (my partner's a photographer and cinematographer) and that he's basically wasting what he studied at university because his current occupation has nothing to do with what he learned. I just ignored it like I usually do.

After I didn't respond to his goading, he came out with it. He said that our relationship isn't "natural." I asked why. Then he proclaimed if God wanted the races to mix, he would have made us all the same colour. At that moment I realised why he always made silly, negative comments about my partner . . . it was all a mask to hide the real reason he didn't like him. I became very enraged and gave him a piece of my mind before storming out.

I'm much calmer now, but I completely refuse to speak with him. Others say I should hear him out, but every time I recall what he said, I just feel an overwhelming surge of anger and I can't entertain the thought of talking to him.

OP posts:
summerlovingliz · 27/05/2014 13:22

YANBU he is! Maybe you should give him a chance with the law laid down. Put the ball in his court and tell him to accept your partner graciously or you will have nothing to do with him, maybe he will realise what's important

adeucalione · 27/05/2014 13:28

YANBU and I don't think you should be making any first moves - up to him to apologise unreservedly.

Pumpkinpositive · 27/05/2014 13:30

Then he proclaimed if God wanted the races to mix, he would have made us all the same colour.

That doesn't even make sense. Confused. Not that this observation is likely to sway your father!

Does he know you're pregnant? You have to think about how obnoxious he might be towards your child in the future.

magoria · 27/05/2014 13:32

So what is he going to think of your mixed race child?

It isn't that your relationship is unnatural it is because your P Is black.

Complete and utterly wrong.

You don't need to him him out he was pretty clear. You don't need that attitude toward your child.

MarshaBrady · 27/05/2014 13:33

Does he know you're pregnant? You don't need to hear him out, but he will have to adjust pdq if he wants to know his grandchild.

Original poster
endorphinmonster · 27/05/2014 13:34

Pumpkin - Yes he does know I'm pregnant.

Magoria - The point about my child is what really, really infuriates me. What my father basically said is that he/she shouldn't have a shot at life.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 27/05/2014 13:34

If my parents did this to my DH, I'd be livid.

As it is, DH is mixed, and they would both be liked "Oh, he looks more X than Y", like one was superior than the other. Race Y has some negative stereotypes, and my parents would spout them now and again. I pointed out that he also looked a lot like Y and got mistaken for purely that quite often, and they were like "Oh! I don't see that, he looks like X to me" like it was a compliment to ignore an entire aspect of him. I asked what was wrong if he did look like Y, and that their grandbabies could indeed look half Y. Suddenly it's been how great Y is and every now and then a positive article about something a Y person did. They meant well.

Yeah, you better tell your father his grandchild is going to be brown, so he better get fucking used to it. I'd be really hard pressed to speak to my parents again if they said something like that, at least for a while. That isn't even an insult towards your DP so much as it is towards your child. Talk to him on your own time, let him know how badly he fucked up.

gargolia · 27/05/2014 13:34

YANBU, he sounds racist so it's probably best to avoid him

Oldraver · 27/05/2014 13:38

Hear him out ? really ? So he can justify his racist views ?

Nah I would be going no contact and cutting him out of my life

wheresthelight · 27/05/2014 13:39

I have cut off an uncle and his obnoxious gf for their ridiculous racist comments. Especially as one if his cousins is married to a philapino girl and his kids are mixed race

Your father is an arse!!!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 27/05/2014 13:39

Do you mind me asking but which has come first the dislike or the racism? Have you seen this before? I can't believe he's suddenly developed it after say 50+ years....

Maybe dad thinks partner is a total loser and the racism isn't the cake it's the cream and cherry? To me it sounds like petulism; he's an idiot I've told her he's an idiot argh argh argh argh she's not listening finally he's so idiotically worked up he's throwing insults? Yes incredibly stupid. Yes incredibly hurtful. But maybe also not entirely accurate either. Dunno. Just trying to offer an alternate view than dads a total racist, go nc, which is possibly what you feel presently....

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 13:40

What ? We have to "hear out" racists now ? Fuck that.

Ardiente · 27/05/2014 13:44

Well, it is pretty non negotiable and if your dad wants to play happy families with you and your future child, he needs to sort his head out. Else, you should cut him out. His views are outrageous, outdated and undefendable.

SqueezedMiddle · 27/05/2014 13:44

I'm white. DH is black. I would cut out anyone from my life - family, friends, whoever - if they expressed this sort of view. As would my DH.
No time for it.

YANBU.

Original poster
endorphinmonster · 27/05/2014 13:46

Minnie - I never had him down as a racist (he never really said or did anything along those lines in my presence prior this) but my mother said that when they were together, at times in private with her he would come out with some racially objectionable things.

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 27/05/2014 13:48

YADNBU.

He sounds like an arse.

rockybalboa · 27/05/2014 13:53

YANBU. at all. Poor you though. Congrats on your pregnancy.

AdoraBell · 27/05/2014 13:54

YANBU OP

Unless he has a complete change of opinion very quickly, highly unlikely, then he will at some point use racist language either about or directly too your DP and DCs.

MarshaBrady · 27/05/2014 13:55

A grandparental bond can be pretty strong, he might love your child and feel deeply ashamed he thought otherwise. Here's hoping.

softlysoftly · 27/05/2014 13:56

Hmmm tricky one, well not tricky that he's a prick, but in other ways.

First instinct would be to cut him out, mainly because you will always know that he holds those thoughts and that is about your child, which will hurt far more than about your partner take my word for it.

BUT in my own case my parents reacted badly to DH 16 years ago due to his religion, it was full on DM stuff "they sell your children to pay debts, you'll be burkad in no time" kind of shit.

But it was kneejerk and because of no exposure (tiny mining / farming village), over the following weeks I saw books on islam creeping into our house, questions being asked and fair credit to them them educated themselves, met him and we are all really really close. They absolutely adore our children and have done a total turn on the whole thing.

So is it likely he is kneejerking and can genuinely change? Only you know. If he can't, and I do mean totally, not just "accepting" but coming to embrace then cut him off as when I think about BNP supporting arseholes looking at my children with any negativity it makes me want to rip their eyes out and you don't need that in your own family.

Purpleroxy · 27/05/2014 14:05

Racism is quite common amongst the older generation. I know someone whose mum was horrified about her having a black DP. When she got pregnant, her mum was in complete denial and would not tell any of her own friends about her own impending grandchild because she could not accept her dd's dp being black. Once the baby was born, her racism seemed to evaporate and she adored her mixed race grandchild and accepted her dd's dp. I know this is not right but eventually the racist GM was no longer racist. Do you think your dad might be like this and that there is some hope? That is, if your dad is an otherwise decent person?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 27/05/2014 14:08

Well, look. It's all very well for strangers to claim they would disown fathers for similar, how can we or they prove it?! He is your dad. If you had a good relationship before this then I would suggest a talk. Simply because either that will sort it out or will solidify your feelings.

It will be a hard talk. But you might feel better to try than have a regret later. It's all very well going nc on the internet on a forum but real life it will take strong intent and determination. And that means being sure.

I'm not suggesting this might not alter your relationship, I'm sure it will, but you might feel something is salvageable in some way that you are comfortable maintaining.

Original poster
endorphinmonster · 27/05/2014 14:19

Purple: Yes I've heard similar stories to those. When I was at uni something similar happened (it concerned a friend who was gay). I've always thought of my father as a decent person. I guess that's why it hurts even more. I do think I will talk to him and get down to the bottom of it in time but at the moment I'm just not in that place.

OP posts:
Purpleroxy · 27/05/2014 14:25

Well then I would definitely try not to cut him off if he is otherwise decent. He comes from a completely different era and it sounds as though he can be "updated" in that his views are rooted in ignorance and small mindedness, not hatred or evil.

92littlecat92 · 27/05/2014 14:27

Not unreasonable - wish my now ex partner had cared about me enough to stand up for me in this way! Good for you xxx