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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be abit pissed off that some stranger said my partner had no parenting skills

22 replies

Ohnonotagen · 26/05/2014 22:28

we had a day out on our holiday last week. We were out and 4 year old had wet himself about 4 times that day, basically because he couldn't be bothered to stop and come out of whatever play area he was in. We had run out of clothes and i searched the entire small sea side town for some pants and shorts for about half an hour and couldn't find any (hard to believe i know i thought i'd pick some up easily). he'd also been abit of a general nightmare that day, combination of overexcitement and tiredness i guess. Anyway on way home i nipped into a shop to check if they sold shorts/ pants and DP/DS were waiting outside and i think basically DS was trying to run off and DP was probably abit shorter with him than he should of been, ok if he was a perfect parent he wouldn't have had a go, he wasn't physical.

Anyway some woman walking by says to DP that he has no parenting skills. he didn't tell me till later that night and he was really upset. DP had a really shite childhood with an abusive father who beat up the kids and their mum, DP always had an issue before having kids that he didn't want to have kids because he didn't want to be like his father. He's not, he's a great dad, ok not perfect all the time but who is. So now that woman (who i'm sure is mother of the year!!) has really set back his confidence.

Please can i also point out that i have no doubts whatso ever that DP is mistreating DS in anyway

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2014 22:32

It was a horrible thing for her to say, that's for sure.

And very unusual to say it to a parent who's just being a bit short with their child.

Just ignore, although it's easier said that done.

KaFayOLay · 26/05/2014 22:32

She saw a moment in time, that moment doesn't define him as a parent.

AgentZigzag · 26/05/2014 22:43

Just keep reassuring him of what you think of his parenting, and that he shouldn't set any store by some passerby who only saw him for a few seconds.

Surely he should give more weight to your assessment of him?

Maybe he was doing something the woman hated happening to her when she was small? And in a way it's good that she felt able to say something, I know a lot of people think how parents treat their children in public has nothing to do with anyone else, but that's just not true.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/05/2014 22:43

However you weren't there and didn't witness what DP actually did or said.

Nevertheless it's rude and sanctimonious for her to make a sweeping, crushing judgement like that. We all have days when we're at the end of our tether and get a bit snappy.

EverythingsDozy · 26/05/2014 23:08

Some people just love to have a go! A so called friend of mine has recently said something similar to me! I have just been told to ignore it, so that is what I am going to say to your DP. She is probably congratulating herself for picking up on "bad" parenting, what she has said says more about her than your DP, she will have issues of her own. Just think, if he had let him run off without a care and he had been injured then she might have had a point!

treaclesoda · 26/05/2014 23:17

It's a hard one actually. You see it unfold here on threads all the time - someone posts saying that they saw a parent do something that they would never do themselves and you get the full range of responses from 'it's none of your business' to 'it's everyone's business' to 'you only saw 30 seconds and it might be the most gentle loving parent who has just reached the end of their tether'.

The reality is that none of us truly knows what's going on, and if your partner really wasn't doing anything terrible I'm not surprised that he is hurt. But at the same time if the lady saw something that to her was unacceptable I can also see why she spoke out.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/05/2014 23:18

So easy to pass judgment as one catches a glimpse of another parent in action. Your DP might as well get used to unasked for comments, it comes with the territory. Another time he might be critical himself. Who knows what kind of a parent that stranger is! He shouldn't lose heart.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2014 23:21

There are some that lovely to stick their oar in. They are the first to tut at a tan trumping child, and think that they are Dr Spock. ignore. It's sounds as though your dh might have been a bit short, or a little impatient, but hey nobody is a perfect parent.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2014 23:22

Not even Mrs wannabe Mary Poppins. I meant tantrumming silly auto correct.

RedRoom · 26/05/2014 23:23

It might help to reassure him that most parents get looks from people in the supermarket etc when their children don't behave, as if to suggest that their parenting skills are crap. It doesn't matter that this stupid woman thinks that and says it out loud, having seen his parenting for about two minutes. You are the one that sees him being a dad over the course of days, week and months, and you think he is doing great. That counts for much more.

PrincessBabyCat · 27/05/2014 00:25

Unless your child is an obedient little robot, you're going to get looks and comments in public. Because of course their child would never act like that, and they would never lose their temper.

hashtagwhatever · 27/05/2014 00:30

I once had a nosey old bint call me a bad parent when dd fell over. To this day I still don't understand why as I picked her up straight away and said ahh dd you are ok shake your leg and make sure it still works. Dd laughed at that. She got a mouthful back anyway. Some peopleare just odd

wafflyversatile · 27/05/2014 00:35

Maybe tell him of any looks you've had while out and about and reassure him that this woman judged on a snapshot but you see his parenting all the time so you know better that he is a good parent who tries as all parents do and mostly gets it right, same as most parents.

Canthisonebeused · 27/05/2014 00:44

I'm not saying the woman is right in anyway and I don't know your family however it is quite unusual behaviour for a 4 year old to continually wet the selfs and attempt running off. Do you think maybe there are wider issues that you possible should be considering with regards to your 4 year olds behaviour and you and Dhs strategies?

Lanabelle · 27/05/2014 00:50

Cant help but agree with PrincessBabyCat people are twats most of the time, I'm sure if she has kids she is the best mother to have ever graced the earth doubtful. Everyone gets their confidence knocked from time to time and maybe his has an added element to it given his own upbringing but maybe find a nice way to say "ignore the facking nosey cow, what does she know? She clearly lacks in people skills" etc etc. failing that - show him this thread and let him read it for himself.

Tangerinefairy · 27/05/2014 07:48

My Dd was and still is the most biddable, obedient child you could ever wish to meet....I'm not saying that to boast, she really is and it has nothing to do with me, she was born like that! Anyway, even she used to have some huge tantrums when she was a toddler and the looks I used to get!!!!! I remember once in the park when I was trying to get her into her buggy and she was going stiff and screaming the place down! There were tons of people walking by gving me filthy looks as if I was killing her! I wasn't even shouting!

The thing that used to piss me off the most was that many of the people giving us dirty looks were older and I would imagine most of them had children and maybe grandchildren themselves. All kids have their moments as do all parents. I'm willing to bet that this was just a bad day for your Ds and your DH was feeling really frustrated and strung out. He just had the misfortune to come upon that particularly rude woman. My DW had a similar upbringing and would also be absolutely mortified at that comment.

EverythingsDozy · 27/05/2014 08:56

I don't think a 4 year old wetting themselves a lot (when clearly distracted) and trying to run off is that unusual. My 3yo DD still has accidents when she is doing something and doesn't want to go to the toilet and she most certainly runs off. I think it's unusual to suggest otherwise.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 27/05/2014 09:04

Some people just love to be judgemental.

Whenever I see/hear a child having a meltdown I always think back to when I was that parent trying to deal with it. Every parent goes through it, and those that say otherwise are lying.

ConferencePear · 27/05/2014 10:07

There seem to be increasing numbers of people who feel free to comment on other people's behaviour. If it was affecting her it would probably be acceptable, but if it was not affecting her than it's none of her business.

Aspiringhuman · 27/05/2014 11:48

Your poor DP, that would destroy me.

quietbatperson · 27/05/2014 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ohnonotagen · 27/05/2014 22:08

canthisonebeused> i said 4 year old as thats his age but he was only 2 days past his 4th birthday when this happened so well towards the younger end of 4 year olds, plus he was a later potty trainer and was just over 3 when trained. He doesn't usually have accidents think it was a combination of over excitement and tiredness, it hadn't occured to me that this was so out of the ordinary for a 4 year old. Is it?

OP posts:

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