USED AND ABUSED??

[goodegg1]

Hi

I'm a good egg and have been supporting a bereaved friend for a few years. I have dropped everything when she has needed me despite having many difficult family commitments and health issues of my own, stayed over when she needed me always visiting her as her husband always drove at night and her car was old and she had no money (I was on carers allowance then unemployed). I helped her through inquests, meetings to complain about his medical treatment, compiling letters and wading through medical reports to pursue negligence against the NHS and I had just started a new job, college and had my beloved dad just gone into care with Alzheimers. I still dropped everything to help her.

I suggested for a long time we had a holiday together as I am alone following my parents admission to care, but she wasn't ready and didn't feel right without her husband as they were like peas in a pod. I understood and didn't press the issue.

2 months ago she told me she was going away with friends. I said I thought she wasn't ready and she said they were paying for it and she couldn't afford it otherwise. I later asked how the plans were going as thought it was nice for her to get away and she referred to a holiday abroad with another friend she was going on. I said I thought you couldnt afford to go away and she said it was cheap and an opportunity and life was short. The other holiday is scheduled for later in the year. I did feel very hurt as at no point had I been invited or arrangements suggested between us. I was then invited when someone pulled out but I wouldnt go as didn't like the location and it was short notice for a new job and did not want to be an afterthought.

Now she has further plans with this new friend to go to America, just the 2 of them and is buying a brand new car too.

I just feel used. I am pleased she Is starting her life over but I have given all I can and feel of no account.

She still calls most nights to talk about her loss and I just feel like im good enough to be a shoulder to cry on and a support but there is no consideration or thought for me!

Your thoughts guys... Am I being mean?

I think some people are like that. They put those around them in boxes. You are therapist. You are the one she goes to with her woes and her thoughts and feelings. You are the sorter out of her life. And there you stay. That's your role in her life. You've become something for her, not a two way thing, iyswim.

She doesn't want to socialise with her counsellor. That's not what you're for.

It doesn't mean you are less important to you, in fact, sounds like she is over dependant on you (which is a problem you really should sort out), but I wonder if maybe she doesn't want you to be part of her 'fun' life because she is fulfilling some sort of need by keeping you where you are, and being able to phone you up and moan at you, and get help from you, and all that. Or maybe she misrepresents her life to you for sympathy and knows that if you are involved in any other part of it, you will figure that out?

I'm not excusing her, nor am I demonising her, I don't know her and I am just speculating.

But you know, if you aren't happy then change it. If you don't want to be her shoulder to cry on - stop. If you're not happy with the friendship, then tell her.

less important to her, that should read

I would just tell her how your feeling and see what happens.

Does she know you would love to go on a holiday?

You state you have been supporting her for many years due to bereavement and then that she call you most nights, this is not normal betreavement, suggest she gets proper counciling as you have not been able to help her.

Turn off the phone, use you free time to find other friends, go on holiday by yourself, there are loads of singles holiday companies, these not dating holidays although obviously this can happen but more for company so you are not on your own.

let her know how you feel - that you have dropped everything to help her, that you have been and continue to be a good, kind and supportive friend, but you feel that the friendship is one sided, and the holiday issue has really hurt you and made you feel that you have been used - as a therapist and a PA, but not as an equal, as a friend.

What you're describing is not a friendship, it's a parent/child or, as Hecate said, a counsellor/patient relationship. You are both responsible for that, in that you didn't ever assert your own needs in the relationship and she took advantage of your misguided idea that being her counsellor would gain you loyalty and closeness. That's not how friendship works. You are not her parent and her needs should not come before your own.

Learn from this and move on.

Thanks guys!

All very incisive thoughts and good pieces of advice. I guess I don't assert my needs, I assume people will reciprocate when I need help but they don't and I don't ask. My self esteem issues perhaps?

I did suggest holidays but she wasn't ready and now 3 have been booked!

I don't think I could broach my upset as she is still very fragile and I have been suggesting counselling for a couple of years but no joy.

I think I should learn from the experience, put myself first which I find hard to do and be my own best friend.

x

I agree with Hecate too.

I know you don't mean it in a shitty way and of course relationships/friendships do have to be balanced to a certain extent to feel 'fair', but you've done this for so long now that you must have got something from it?

Were you never suspicious that she only wanted you as a shoulder to cry on? Or did the fact that her DH had died paper over anything negative you thought about her behaviour? She could act in any way she liked because that'd happened to her.

You have different expectations and it's going to hurt when you see her having with other people what you thought you had with her.

Do you feel able to bring it up with her? Have you ever talked to her about something you didn't feel comfortable about in your friendship? If you have how did she react?

find more considerate friends imo

Yes I have got something from it. I was needed and I could help and wanted too. I guess that made me feel good about myself. Is there ever a totally altruistic act?

When I have broached issues she just gets upset and hurt. I can't do it.

My strategy is to take my bat home and not play any more! Not very adult but I don't like confrontation. It is probably called passive aggressive. I guess I'm a chicken!

I had a friend like that but let her drop when her life was sorted. She needed me (through uni, got pregnant, baby born and died week later, her almost dying etc) but when she was sorted I reminded her of the pain. I understood her life was good again (amazing new guy) i let her go. Friends come and go in your life. You been amazing. Hold your head high as you will have learnt from this.... X

There's nothing wrong with doing things for other people when it makes you feel good about yourself, or backing off without saying anything, if you're not allowed any input what else can you do?

Is it that you don't put yourself first because you can't deal with other people thinking anything even remotely negative or critical about you?

zigzag u know me better than I know myself! Yes I cant cope with being disliked so put everyone else first.

I work in a care role and do hours of unpaid overtime. I do need to assert myself. and stop caring what others think

Just want to thank everyone who replied to me. You are all so insightful.

x

I hope you're feeling better. Hecate in particular gave you some good advice.

thanks x

feeling rubbish actually. very resentful towards friend but cant tell her as don't want to cause upset. I just need to figure out what i want to do about it. I am emotional at mo with all sorts of upheavals going on and family issues. I think i must put priorities in order and put my upset on the back burner till I'm a bit stronger.

x

Tbh, your friend seems bullet proof enough to book 3 holidays without thinking of you.

If you are feeling crap about her treatment of you, tbh you should make her aware of it.

I have an inkling that she's more aware of how she treats you than you think, and is feigning to a degree the fragility thing. So that you or anyone else doesn't tackle her on anything she does.

Distance yourself in the short term, recover a little and then find a waay to say 'actually, i'm a bit miffed that you're happy to accept years of my help, but overlooking me entirely when it comes to a holiday that I suggested only to book 3 with others.

You'll not ever end up going on holiday with her tbh now, it's already tainted.

Friends for a reason.... time to move on and find yourself a better one.

I'm with Hissy in that I think she is more aware about how she treats you and plays up the 'frailty' thing as an excuse to not do the things she doesn't want and to keep drawing you back in so you will help her out with these things. After 2 or 3 years since her loss, she should be starting to become a little less fragile and have begun to carry her sadness around with her rather than it engulfing her completely. If she hasn't then it sounds like more complicated bereavement for which she needs professional help.

I recognise myself in your description as I used to end up getting myself embroiled with this type of needy friend. I now put myself first and don't get over involved. Whereas before I'd find myself offering all sorts of assistance and help, now I take a step back first and think, "do I want/need this in my life/is it appropriate for me to be doing this." And in the main, I don't. I'm a good friend to my friends but now know the difference between being a friend and taking on things that aren't within the 'remit' of friend - ie trained counsellor, social worker, carer etc. By all means help someone access the help they need but don't 'do' it.

It's true I do too much and she isn't shy of asking for help. I wait for help to be offered but never ask.

I'm moving out of the family home this weekend, on my own. The only people offered help are my colleagues. Parents in care, house needs to be sold, I have a place but not been able to move in as was a full time carer and been struggling to move out since due to trauma of loss and starting work again after massive gap. I feel near to them here.
You realise that after giving all you have you can never count on help in return.
Time to put myself first now and be just a friend as you say and move on. I love my friend but am very hurt by her.

she phoned last night and I was upset about situ of moving and leaving family home of 40 odd years and said I didn't want to talk as I knew I would be in floods of tears and she took offence saying how caN she help if I don't talk. I think it's up to me how I feel about how I feel. I don't force people to talk when not ready. She said I shouldn't be upset and I told her that no one ever said how she should be feeling after loss of DH and our feelings were our feelings regardless of logic behind them. I was asked not to mention DH, situation not comparable and I shouldn't bring him up as example. I just said we all respond differently.

I don't want people forcing me to be falsely bright and positive when I don't feel it. I need to come to terms with situation, have a sympathetic ear and some practical support. I'm afraid I'm all I've got tho!

You live and learn don't you!

X

Blimey, you've been through / are going though enough yourself, without worrying about your friend's (exaggerated?) problems.

It's very much time to be kind to yourself. Look to your colleagues, who sound lovely, look to find new social circles and don't let this woman get close enough to hurt you again.

Hi
This is just a glimmer of the stuff going on! It's a crappy time to understate things dramatically.

New job, good but is sorting vulnerable people,s problems. house move to a place with a bonkers neighbour above. Parents with Alzheimer's saying they want home or to die. Supportive ill but busy stressed and abused brother. Selfish unsupportive lazy vile sister. Friend had a stroke. I'm trying to internet date and getting rejections so am comfort eating which is counter productive. Health issues and fighting off a return of depression.

Really need a good friend and am being eaten up with these feelings of rejection.

I dare say I will survive. I need to lick my wounds for a while and regroup. Then look for ways of meet ing new friends.

Off to pack, thanks to all for listening.

X

Ps need a holiday :) !!!

X

goodegg Lots of luck with the new job and house move (which sounds a very emotional one if it's from your family home). Whoah, you have a heck of a lot on your plate and the friend who you have supported, sounds very uninsightful and dismissive regarding what you're facing right now.

Take care of yourself. Maybe give the internet dating a break, till things have settled down a bit job/move-wise. That will take away some of the pressure. Dealing with the rejection that always goes with internet dating, might be easier when you feel a bit less stressed and fragile.

Here are some and an unmumsnetty hug. Keep on keeping on and put some distance between you and your friend.

Awww thanks so much. You guys have been so understanding.
You've really helped.

Good luck to you too MJ and I will be a regular here now to help if I can in any way.

Xxx