more a WWYD, really... DD and DSis don't have much of a relationship

[quesadilla]

My DD (who is 3) hardly knows her aunt. My DSis and I aren't super close but we get on well and enjoy one another's company. My DSis also lives fairly close to me.

I really want my DD to have some strong female role models in her life and I want her to be close to family members who can support her in various ways. My DM has dementia so is essentially out of the picture, I don't have any other siblings and I'm not close to my cousins.

My DSis has never been massively into kids, has never wanted any of her own and is dubious of the effect they have had on other people's lives, that's the starting point, so I know she is not a natural child-lover.

On the other hand, she has a close relationship with her god-daughter, who is now in her teens, and has been very active in supporting her since she was really quite small, helping her through a family crisis when she was younger and mentoring her in trying to find work experience etc. So she is certainly capable of having significant relationships with children.

Trouble is, she isn't interested in DD at all. I've invited her on several occasions to do things with DD (birthdays, local trips to museums etc). Never stuff that is too kiddy, as I know that would turn her off, just low key things. She is never hostile or rejects these outright but they never come to anything, she usually fobs me off or cancels. She gives her very generous birthday/Christmas presents but that's about it.

I would like to try to bring them closer together. I know I can't force it and the last thing I want to do is to make DSis feel bullied or pressured into a relationship which she doesn't feel able to enter into. If she doesn't want to know I am happy to leave it where it is. But I would like to raise the idea with her in a gentle and flattering way, just pointing out that she's a brilliant role model and I'd really like for her to develop a relationship which I think could sustain my DD through her life.

Should I just make my peace with the fact that she has chosen for whatever reason not to engage with her niece, or should I gently raise it with her?

Fair enough quesadilla. Why is it then you think your sister doesn't have a close relationship with your daughter when your sister has 'form' for having a close relationship with her goddaughter from a baby?

I may well have misunderstood your intentions from your OP, it sounds like I did because to me, it was all about the benefits and support for your daughter, nothing about what you and your sister do for each other. I personally think that is key; if you have a good relationship with your sibling then they have a good relationship with your children too.

I wouldn't bother trying to be 'flattering' (because it isn't) but I'd just say that I would like my daughter to know her aunt and do things with her... because that is the truth.

OP it sounds like your sister is a decent person who steps up during a crisis, hence her pulling the stops out for god-daughter whose dad had died. She may consider your DD doesn't have such a gap in her life, and as she is not that bothered about kids, isn't making a huge effort.

It is not as if she is neglecting her - you said she buys presents.

I have to say, I have no DC of my own yet but I find spending time with DH nieces rather tedious. They are 5 and 3. Because I don't see them often - we live several hours' drive away - they don't know me and go all shy. I am not someone who can just plonk down on her knees with a small child and be playing carpet games within 5 minutes. Also, I am just not that bothered about pretending to be a pirate, endless cups of imaginary tea, and the adults' constant recital of every slightly amusing thing the children have said since we last saw them.

I do buy presents however, and I am hoping that as they grow up, that will be the beginning of a relationship. I buy books normally as they both like reading, and I hope one day we will have a relationship based around a love of books.

Hickory... because 1) you don't know that they did and 2) those are relationships with different people aren't they? It doesn't cross over from generation to generation.

I'm nice to all children, I'm especially nice to family children. I am particularly nice and very close to one of my cousin's children because I'm very close to him. My other two cousins have children also but they are 'relegated' (sorry, can't think of a better term) to 'especially nice to family children' because I'm less close with their parents.

I think the op is only expecting a little effort from time to time. Not a weekly child's entertainer!

No, she's expecting a strong female role model, which sounds quite a responsibility to me!
I love and am very close to my nephew and nieces, but I'd hate relationships to be forced with us.

I think you need to talk to your sister about this. It sounds like she has no idea that you would like her to be more involved in your DD's life. I can't see what you have to lose from asking her, as long as you are prepared for the possibility that she will say she doesn't want to be any more involved. At least if you ask you would know, then you can move forward.

My brother is sort of the same way. We get along pretty well, but he's just not a baby person and he's not the sort of person to get down on his knees and interact with kids. We try to get him to hold her and when he declines we tease him and tell DD in baby voice "Oh, I guess your uncle doesn't want to love you today" and he responds with baby voice back "Nope, you won't even remember it anyway, will you?"

His question when she was born was "Will she be playing with legos?" so that's about the time frame we can perhaps see him bond with DD. In the mean time, we just hang with him and enjoy his company because, he's right, there's not much DD is going to get out of a relationship with him at this stage. He'll come around on his own time, most likely when she's much older and will sit still and do quiet things with him.

You can't force these things.
I don't really have a relationship with any of my DN. I do love them and I send/give pressies and if they needed me I would be there but to be honest I don't really feel a lot more for them than the children of close friends.
I do feel very guilty about it, especially since my SIL and dil adore my 2 DC but although I don't think anyone notices ( hope not) I'm a bit meh about them.
Perhaps because I didn't have any relationship with my uncles or aunties due to tricky family dynamics. I remember when DH's uncle died a few years ago and I was totally baffled about how upset he was - I just didn't get it.