To not have included an ex-co-worker

[allisgood1]

Background: I own a small business and employ about 4 people who work under me. I started my business about 6 years ago, and about 5 years ago my first "employee" was an ex-co worker from my previous job. We (stupidly) became friends over the course of her time working together in my company. Things started getting rocky between us about a year ago on both a professional and personal level. In March, she handed in her notice BUT 1) via text message and 2) also said she was taking one of my clients "with her". She also approached another one of my clients about the possibility of taking them too. I got a lawyer, wrote her a letter (well the lawyer did but from me so it wasn't perceived to be too aggressive) as its in her contract that she can't do it. To keep things smooth, I also "gave" her the client she wanted to take with no penalty. She maintained though out this whole ordeal that she had done nothing wrong, despite what her contract stated. She couldn't understand why I got a lawyer, and as a result cut her notice period by 2 weeks, leaving me scrambling to get her replacement to start earlier and also left my clients in the lurch for 2 weeks. Still, it was all my fault because I was being "too difficult" to work with. I only saw her once after she handed in her notice and as we were with clients I maintained progressional dignity so clients couldn't pick up that anything was wrong.
We had all (myself, her, and 2 other employees) booked a trip to a huge conference overseas for a week. Upon this whole saga happening, I cancelled her out of our hotel room. Of course I WBU and "mean and horrible" to do this.
This week we have been at said conference. Ex-friend/employee had booked her own room within the same hotel. My 2 employees are staying with me. Apparently, she met with them last night for drinks and said she has been spending all her time in her room crying and has come to realize just how horrible a person I am to do this to someone. She maintains all she did was hand in her notice and does not deserve to be treated like this. One of the girls told me after as she felt uncomfortable with it. I have said nothing to ex-employee or anyone else as I am just trying to keep professional about it. AIBU or horrible to have excluded ex-friend/employee from this trip? I will say now I realize this is all a bigger mess because I did engage in a friendship with her and have learned my lesson, so don't need to be told that!

I think it might be time for another lawyers letter telling her to stop talking about you badly within your industry. And it's quite easy to explain the situation to your existing staff without giving too much detail but let them know so they can make a honest decision about her - if she poisons them and you don't say anything you run the risk of losing them !!

Sounds very much like slander to me. Get the lawyers involved.

Existing staff know what happened so going over it again when they've just signed new contracts is probably not necessary and will likely open a can of worms since she's just been talking about it. I'm going to let it lie, but think it's bullshit

Op unfortunately you're now the boss and they were all succumbing to peer pressure by default by listening to her bitch. Remain in control and maintain a dignified silence... Tough as it is

If I were to bring it up now how would I broach the subject?

I mean without acknowledging that one of them has told me in confidence what is being said. I don't want to breach that as the other will know it was her who told me and that's why I'm bringing it up. This is why I thought it best to let it lie and say nothing. They aren't in the dark, they know what she did. I think one of them is feeling sorry for her as she keeps "bursting into tears" because she's been "left alone" while we do the conference together.

I'd bring it up around dinner or drinks. Just say that you have got something to say, and if they have any questions they can ask them.

You could say you understand that that they have been put in a difficult situation. Then explain that as she had already stolen one client, and tried to take another it would have been unprofessional to have shared a room. That you were worried she would dig for information that potentially could have damaged the business and ultimately put all their jobs at risk. Or caused even more problems with gossiping and not telling the full story. Also say that you wanted to keep things amicable, but that her badmouthing you to everyone is making that difficult, which is the only reason why you are bring it up. Then ask them if there is anything they would like to know, and that you will answer them honestly, or if they have anything they need to say to you or the rest of them team.

Keep calm, and friendly, and don'y get upset or angry. If you can lighten the mood with a joke all the better.

I might be tempted to handle it by saying I understand some of you may have seen our former colleague. I know a lot has probably been said, but remember there are two sides to every story and you are only hearing one. It is unprofessional to discuss this and water under the bridge in any case.

Now, how many leads have we generated this week and how are we going to follow them up as as a team?

So - acknowledge and move on.

As for to dropping your team member in it, just refer to the fact that its a small conference and word gossip always get back to people. Let them think that someone outside the group gave you a heads up that one of your former employees was slandering gossiping about your company. Say it with a wry smile :)

I think one of them is feeling sorry for her as she keeps "bursting into tears" because she's been "left alone" while we do the conference together.

How are you finding this out? I've never met a boss that doesn't make their feelings on subjects well and truly known so either tell them or tell them you aren't interested in hearing all about her.

oh and the one who feels sorry for her, say that , yes, you understand, and also feel sorry for her. But that ultimately it was her decision to leave 'ALL of us', especially in they way she did. She let 'ALL of us' down. emphasise that she did't just let you down.

You could tell them that you believe she is manipulating people by turning on the tears now as she is in direct competition with THEIR company. Ask them if they think she would cry if you went out of business and they lost their jobs. Or if if she would eagerly contact all of their clients.

If she hasn't already.

In other words, get them to understand that what you are doing is for every ones benefit and that you are in it together.

Funky, there are all sorts of bosses out there - the best ones understand that anyone can lead, it's getting the buggers to follow you that's the difficult bit :)

You did nothing wrong with making friends with someone you worked with. People do it all the time. Sometimes they even marry them.

Is she after your staff?!

Agree with the person who says talk about how she "left us". Don't badmouth her, resist the (huge) temptation to bitch.

Focus on the team. (WHY have they not got their own rooms?!) Do all the textbook management stuff (catch them doing things right etc) and make it solid. Leaks would be a big concern to me.

Unless she brought that client with her then she is very badly in the wrong. Only explanation needed if anyone asks but i wouldn't rush to discuss it with them tbh.

That said it is a bit scary first time at a big conf on your own. No wonder she's having a wobbly. Is it not working out for her? Was she any good at her job? Would you want her back?

Putting all personal feeling aside and with your business head on - is it worth making a link with this other person in your industry? If so invite for drinks. (Explain confidentiality issues to team first!) If you don't trust her an inch then maintain status quo.

You need to take control here. You need to get your employees together, sit them down and tell them what has happened and what you want to happen now. Do it professionally and unemotionally. Don't mention your hurt feelings, or anything that involves you as a private person. It is time to be the boss. It sounds like your employees are running you at the moment.

We don't all have our own rooms because that's not affordable or feasible given we are in another country for a week. There's not a problem sharing a room as I see it, and don't feel it's fostering friendships with staff.

It's a HUGE international conference. In all likelihood whoever else she has been speaking to (can't be many if she's spending all her time "in her room crying") won't know me and is hearing one side of the story. I'm not worried about other people, I'm worried about what MY staff think of me. And that yes, she's got the potential to sway them to leave, however she has nothing going for herself or anyone else!

She's not a confident person, low self esteem and not happy with her life. That is all probably playing more of a role in her unhappiness right now than I am.

I know what's being said because one of the two here has told me, as I stated before. Nothing much more to add than that really. I will say something to the one who is feeling sorry for her though as recommended by you all. Thank you.