Family Visits

[Cheffie100]

My husband and I live 5 hours drive from both our families. We have close relationships with our parents and siblings on both sides and love them dearly.

We had a little girl in June 2013 and she was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Before we had her the three sets of grandparents use to come visit once every three months on average (Mil and Fil, my dad and step mum, my mum and stepfather).

Since we've had our daughter all three sets of parents want to come to stay 3 days a month. 1 Set of parents is retired so can be flexible on days (sort of), the other sets of parents still work so can only come at weekends.

My husband works every hour god sends Monday to Friday in a highly pressurised job. He has a really special bond with our daughter and loves his time with her but that can only be at weekends.

I'm 4 and half months pregnant. Our second baby is due in October. I really appreciate us having some time the three of us- it's really important to me but our house seems to have a revolving door of visitors, and then by time we seem to have our chores out the way it always feels like we're on borrowed time.

I'm starting to really resent people coming to stay. I feel guilty for feeling like this. They are really helpful when they do come to stay. Wash up, do the odd pile of ironing but generally they just dote around dd. I feel like grandparents get all this special time with her and we just sit on the sidelines. I spend the next two days cleaning the house, cleaning bathrooms, food shopping and changing beds

They say how time for just us as a family is really important, which it is as long as they get their three days a month! I don't want to upset anyone but am just craving time for us to just be, see our friends and not feel like were on borrowed time all the time.

Is anyone else in a similar situation. How do you make it work? I to from that's it no one is ever coming to stay ever again to sod it just do whatever you like. Neither of which is rational but I can't find the balance. Not helped by my hormones!

Do they have to stay in your house? Can you suggest they stay in a nearby hotel or b&b?

That way - you will probably limit the frequency of their visits - and when they do turn up you at least have a cut off point in the evening and a bit of time inthe mornings to yourselves.

That's a good idea. I might not do it every time but think that's reasonable some times. Thanks

Wow that seems very inconsiderate of your family! Do they all realise how often the other family members visit too? And that you get no time alone?
Would it be easier to go and stay with them once a month (take turns who you stay with), and make family visits to the others while you are there?

How big is your house?

The new baby makes a handy 'excuse' for them not to stay with you if you feel awkward in bringing it up. 'Hey, I was thinking mum we'll have to start having a look at bnb prices, you know for when you visit after x is born. It's such a shame but obviously that room will be used now for x' etc

Let them come but don't run around cleaning up and shopping before they get there. You're pregnant so let them know they're more than welcome but they have to take you as they find you. And tell them you're looking forward to the visit as you need help with things.

They'll either come and help willingly or stay away.

I'd just tell them how you feel and try and agree to cut down the visits

Thanks all of you. I think I need to man up and get honest with people. I like being the hostess and am quite feisty but not great at being direct with people and worry about hurting them x

I wouldn't want my family to stay in a b&b if I have the space to accommodate them. A five hour journey is a big thing and I would feel rude not having the stay with me.

I think dropping your standards is the way to go. I remember once saying to my mum "You know how when you have guests and you run around cleaning and making everything lovely for them? Well I haven't this time."

Enjoy the time with the grandparents whilst they're mobile and can help out.

Can't you just say no it's not convenient that date?

Ok I'm showing off my maths skills but 3 sets of grandparents wanting to stay for 3 days a month is 9 days a month that you're having to host! (see, great maths skills me ). That's almost a 1/3 of the time taken up by visitors! I know some people wouldn't mind this but personally I'd find it smothering. And that's only the GPs, what about time spent with other family, with your friends? It very soon adds up and leaves you with almost no time alone as a family!
I only see my mum once a week, sometimes fortnightly, but only for a few hours at each visit. My MIL is at the mo on a fortnightly schedule, again only for a few hours at a time, and my FIL we see every 2 months (he lives 2 hours away). That's enough. Personally I value our alone family time and wouldn't want to lose any more of it.

You need to be honest and tell them how you feel. If they get pouty or moody about it it's tough. I'd definitely cut down on how long they were there for each visit as well as trying to reduce it to once every other month. When people live far away they feel like they have to stay longer to make up for not being over as often, but if you were actually to tot up the time they're actually with you you'd prob find they actually get way more time with the GC then GPs who live close would.

Could I suggest you establish a local hotel or B&B where they can stay at least some times, perhaps negotiate a rate with them. Also have a rule that one day a weekend is completely visitor free. eg they can travel fri night, stay over Fri night, visit all day sat, go home Sat night or Sun am but they do not stay over at yours on a Saturday night. I understand how much of an imposition the level of hosting that's going on at the moment must be.

I don't know how this will go down but as you are 4.5 months pregnant could you ask them to strip and make up the beds before they leave so they are ready for the next set of visitors. Then just bung the linens/towels in the washing machine and they are ready for the next lot.

What does strike me is if you have two extra people staying for nine days a month that's a lot of extra food shopping too. I'm guessing no-one's hard up in this equation because of all the driving backwards and forwards. Can you stretch to a cleaner a couple of hours a week so you aren't the one doing all the running around.

To be honest OP, I think I'd find a way to accommodate because you will need all the help you can get when you have two under two and a grandma who will do a pile of ironing and a grandad who will take the baby for a walk will be indispensible. As will a granny and grandad who will do story time and bath whilst you feed the baby and they help with supper.

Turn it on its head and get them to help you.

Thanks all, I so needed an outside opinion. Dizzy kipper - your maths skills are marvelous ;)

Jesus, how do you cope? I would feel resentful not having family time to myself. That's 75% of your monthly weekends devoted to family visits. (Dizzykipper's not the only one with mad maths skillz).

What does your DH say? Is he happy with the arrangement?

If I were you, I would be cutting down drastically to one visit every two months for each parent group. That is very reasonable. You could tell them that over bank holidays or when you have a spare day you can come to them and let them do the hosting for a change instead.

I agree, once every two months is plenty, esp as each time it's a whole weekend. They need to remember it's not just them you're fitting in but another two couples too.