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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

playdate and nanny

66 replies

mediumsize · 25/05/2014 14:03

Have never posted in AIBU before and have NCed for this. But really would like some feedback on something that caused a big argument between me and DH last night. I am quite prepared to be told I was wrong....

Our DS, aged 5 has a playdate with a school peer next week, at his home. I am planning to take him. The mum has told me that she will not be home as she will be at work, and the nanny will be there. OK fine I said.

Talking to my DH about it last night. He does a lot of the general childcare as my work is far less flexible and far longer hours than his. He said he would be fine to take DS to the playdate if I was too busy (I was moaning a bit about the busy week I have next week). I said thanks, but i thought the nanny might feel a bit uncomfortable if he turned up and she was alone there with the kids.

He got very upset at this, accused me of being ridiculous, saying that I am in effect accusing him of being a potential rapist or being interested in diddling a nanny. I tried to explain that it was not about him, she knows nothing of him, but, especially if she is a young girl, she might feel uncomfortable with any unknown middle-aged man turning up at house for the afternoon. He reckons I am being stupid and sexist. He is a dad who is also a carer and women should get used to it. If women want to be equal to men they need to stop behaving like this.

What do people think?

OP posts:

Original poster

mediumsize · 25/05/2014 14:28

I haven't met her and I know nothing about her, I was just imagining she might be a young girl! I fully accept I was clearly unreasonable here!

OP posts:

Original poster

mediumsize · 25/05/2014 14:30

Thanks everyone for the replies. Although I have to now admit that I have been judged by the court of MN to be in the wrong!

OP posts:

whatever5 · 25/05/2014 14:30

YABU. Why does he have to stay though? I presume that your DH would just be expected to drop your child off. The nanny is unlikely to want the parent to stay whether they are male or female surely?

Original poster

mediumsize · 25/05/2014 14:32

As I said before, someone has to stay because of DS's special needs.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/05/2014 14:35

I don't think you can legally employ a young girl as a nanny.

Anyway, have you broken the news to your DH that you were the unreasonable one yet?

Or are you going to let him sweat it out?

whatever5 · 25/05/2014 14:38

Does the parent of the playdate know that you/your DH will be staying? I can't see the problem but it would be polite to mention it.

VitoCorleone · 25/05/2014 14:39

Yes YABU, but you know that now, have you apologized to him yet?

Sally40000 · 25/05/2014 14:42

Don't know a great deal about nannies, but my grandchildren have a nanny who is a man/boy - I think twenty five, Have met this person who does seem quite pleasant, they are two boys so I think they quite like a man nanny, nevertheless medium size I can also see your point of view too - I cant see anything wrong in mentioning this to the other mum. And if she isn't comfortable (even though most people wouldn't mind) then probably you should go - if you can - and if a parent is needed?

Original poster

mediumsize · 25/05/2014 15:02

Haha! I am working ( and checking Mumsnet ) and he is watching the Grand Prix but will be talking to him later....

I think it is a good idea to mention it to the mum, thanks, I had not realised that a parent staying for a playdate might be thought of as unusual, but as I say, we have not done this before so uncharted territory! I suppose, as DS is my only child and he is not like a typical 5 year old, I had not really thought about leaving him, because I had not really thought about what a typical 5 year old is like!

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 25/05/2014 15:12

I have to say neither the mum or nanny will be expecting you or DH to stay, as that's not usual practice for a 5 yo playdate. So you should probably mention that one of you has to stay to help DS, or it might be a bit awkward (DH taking coat off, nanny thinking 'is he staying?' sort of thing).

OutragedFromLeeds · 25/05/2014 15:23

I agree with others, you need to make it clear that you need to stay because it's usual practise to drop and run. She's probably expecting to let the kids play while she gets on with some jobs, so she needs to know that small talk/cups of tea will be required.

I can see both sides of the argument re. should you or DH go. I think your DH is right in that it absolutely shouldn't be an issue and for the vast majority of people it wouldn't be. However, there are some people who because of personal or religious reasons would be uncomfortable being alone with a man who is a stranger to them.

I think you need to speak to the mum or nanny and just confirm that it's ok thay DH comes and will be staying for the duration.

Original poster

mediumsize · 25/05/2014 15:34

I am just e-mailed the mum, thanks. (She does know about DS's special needs and knows what he is like, at school anyway, where he has a full-time one to one TA, so I think she may well have expected someone to stay. But I don't know for sure, so glad people alerted me to this, thanks!)

The issue about potential personal or religious reasons may be one of the reasons this crossed my mind at all. Our nanny is a religious Muslim and I think she probably would find it very uncomfortable to spend an afternoon in the company of a strange man at the house. So I would not put her in that position. But I appreciate, from what everyone says, that for most nannies this would not be an issue at all.

Actually it will still be me and not DH going in any case! This was just a theoretical discussion!

OP posts:

Original poster

mediumsize · 25/05/2014 20:31

I apologised to him, he said humph and then cooked me a roast chicken. Things are fine! I emailed the mum and she said she was well aware someone would be staying and that was all fine. Thanks for all the helpful input.

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 25/05/2014 22:11

I hope any of the 3 nannies I employed are reading this. Once they've stopped laughing they might tell you how ridiculous you are being.

Itsfab · 25/05/2014 22:23

I think it would be considerate to let the nanny know it is DH coming as you have to work in case she would prefer to not spend the afternoon with a man she doesn't know. It isn't about your DH as she doesn't know him it is about being considerate as some nannies would not like the dad bringing the child.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 25/05/2014 22:25

I usually let people know if my husband is going to be doing a playdate, pick up or coming along to a party, just because then they know who to look out for, but also if there's any issues with this, such as the religious one or the person just feels uncomfortable, they would be prepared/let me know. Obviously he usually arranges things himself anyway, but if we swap over having arranged things with me, I think it is polite to let people know for more than one reason.

Viviennemary · 25/05/2014 22:34

If he is just dropping off and collecting then fine. If he is planning to stay then no. He doesn't know her and she doesn't know him so it's not a good idea.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 25/05/2014 22:55

To those laughing at OP and thinking it shouldn't be an issue, it definitely would have been a problem for my two Muslim nannies. Definitely polite/should flag it.

Original poster

mediumsize · 26/05/2014 09:59

Sees like there are more differing opinions than was at first apparent, and even some who do not quite think I was being utterly ridiculous by considering this! Thanks for that!

OP posts:

FeelingIrie · 26/05/2014 10:15

Ignore the 'utterly ridiculous' comment OP.

Think Caitlin just wanted to share with the world the important news that she has three nannies! I'm sure she could've done that without trying to belittle you at the same time but never mind.

Sounds like you are all sorted. Hope your DS enjoys his play date.

GiveTwoSheets · 26/05/2014 11:19

Medium you say you have a nanny just wondering if its meant as a play date for kids whereas both nannies can get together also

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2014 11:36

Why doesn't your nanny take him?

PixieofCatan · 26/05/2014 11:59

Seriously? YABVU. And ridiculous I'm a nanny, I would think nothing of one of my charges friend's fathers being there, in fact, I'm often left alone with them

Also, your assumption that the nanny is a 'young girl' is somewhat insulting, I'd be a bit peeved to be thought of as a 'young girl', I work bloody hard at what I do, I study in my very little spare time for qualifications linked to nannying, I have insurance, keep my first aid qualifications up to date, keep up to date on current practices, etc. And unless the SEN care required involves specialist skills, a nanny (or another parent) may be perfectly comfortable supervising a play date with your child, you should ask.

To be entirely honest with you, I'm more uncomfortable with the mothers of the kids. I have to do more small talking with them usually, which I'm not great at. Though most of the parents I meet through play dates have been lovely and after the initial awkward five minutes it's fine.

Caitlin17 · 26/05/2014 12:06

feeling what a stupid comment. Don't you understand the past tense? "Employed"?

My son is all grown up over a period of aged 3 months to around 13 I had 3 different nannies.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 26/05/2014 12:24

It's not just about gender, though, I let people know if my mum is picking up instead of me, or ask if it is ok if she is caring for the children and comes along. I think it is polite to let anyone know who is caring for the children and in the very unlikely event there is an issue, this is up front from the start.

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