To think ds's Dad shouldn't do this?

[NickiFury]

Will try to keep this short.

DC's dad and I are not together but we are amicable, we chat he comes to see dc's activities etc.

Yesterday we were swimming and he and his parents came to see dc. All fine.

Ds has autism, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and hypermobility. For those who don't know, hypermobility often means poor posture because of low muscle tone. Ds is often slumped and he looks pale and his skin looks "loose" for want of a better description. Ex started discussing with his parents how ds was "filling out" looked fat, was eating too much, didn't get enough exercise.

Ds is NOT fat, he is bang on his BMI but yes does look unfit when he walks and moves BECAUSE of his hypermobility and dyspraxia!!

This convo went on for ages, luckily ds didn't hear. In the end I stepped in and told ex to basically STFU (didn't swear) and that he didn't know what he was talking about and should bloody well read up on his kids condition.

All I could think was how hurt and unconfident ds would feel if he heard that convo (he's 11). Ex said it was harmless to discuss that kind of thing with his parents, because they're his parents. They are lovely people but it's a running joke how large one of the cousins used to be as a child and I don't want ds to be spoken about like that.

So AIBU?

I think your ex can have whatever conversation he wants with his parents.

It was out of earshot of your DS, so I do not see the problem.

You may have disagreed with what he was saying, but you can't stop him expressing his opinion to his parents (your DS's grandparents)

Fair enough but his opinion was ignorant and ill informed about ds's condition and he was passing that onto other people, he also kept trying to get me to agree it was a problem too.

NU at all. If he is making comments about lifestyle choices being responsible for his DSs 'look' when he should be fully aware that it is down to DSs condition then he does, indeed, need to do some reading.

And if DS was anywhere near he should not have been having that conversation at all. Especially not getting you involved... that sounds incredibly childish.

Did Exs parents not say anything to him? Or are they equally ignorant on your DSs life?

On the other hand Maybe Ex really is worried about DS and was using the presence of his parents to bolster his courage, to help him talk to you about his worries.

That still leaves him needing more info, but might make it easier for you to talk to him about it.

Maybe you could ask him to have a coffee somewhere neutral/public and have a conversation about the incident.

Thanks nomama. It is part of a bigger culture of disbelief in exes family tbh, they think most of ds's issues are just him being naughty and spoilt and are quite disbelieving of his diagnosis.

Ex has mentioned it to me before and we've talked it through and it's been fine but I kind of felt that he!felt he had to explain ds's appearance to them which in fact is entirely due to his hypermobility.

Ah! So his family are the 'we aren't there and we don't know but we are going to have an opinion' types, are they?

I have a cousin who was 'different' when he was a kid. We were all quite hands on with 'socialising' him, taking our lead from his parents and how they wanted him to be treated when he inevitably lost himself. But his mum's side were about as much use as a chocolate teapot. They too thought he was spoiled and horrifically naughty.

He grew up to be a lovely, semi-independent adult, who is still prone to losing himself in social situations. He utterly blew it at my wedding, during the interminable photograph session. My brand new DH said, during his speech, that he was glad Cousin had been the one to break first as it made him (DH) feel it was OK to scream himself at the 121st 'smile please'.

My family laughed, including cousin, who had found himself by then.

But the couple of people from his mum's side were horrified that he had 'ruined Nomama's day'. I expect it will come up again this year - 25 years later.

We have never worked out how they can't understand why that spoilt, naughty little boy is now a grown man.... and still exhibits naughty boy traits.

Weird how some people can close their minds that well!

nomama you and your DH sound absolutely lovely

You summed ex's family up to a tee quite honestly. They may be his parents and yes he can say whatever he likes to them but he's not going to feed their ignorance even further, not in my hearing anyway.