In not taking mum

[TommyandGina]

I'll try and keep it brief

Dsis lives approx 200 miles away and has for the past year or so with her dh and 2 dd.

I try and visit approx every 6 weeks or so for the weekend. When dsis moved dm was very 'oh, I don't know how I'll be able to get there' so my response was I'll take you sometimes but not every time. Dm has a car and is fully capable of driving there herself but is a little nervous, she could also equally take the train, it's only 2 changes, dsis would drop her at and I would collect her from the station.

So, I took mum there at Xmas, February half term and Easter. I spoke to her today and said I was going tomorrow, her response was 'aren't I invited, why aren't I coming' to which I responded and said you can't come every time. The dynamic is very different when she is there and I just want time with my dsis and her family. Dm was very frosty after and didn't really speak to me anymore. Aibu to not take her or should she make her own plans, when we all go she complains that it's too much noise and she's not used to lots of people around her, and that she doesn't get enough attention from her grandchildren. So come on mnetters, throw some light for me on what you would do while I have a .

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Probably best not to mention you're going, in future?

But I agree, nice to see your sister by yourself, sometimes.

Not unreasonable at all to want some time with just you and your sister - totally get the 'different dynamic' thing!
You told her from the outset that she couldn't come with you every time.
Perhaps your Mum needs a bit of help planning an independent trip - could you 'walk her through it' - go and get tickets, take her to the station etc. She isn't behaving very well but she's probably feeling a bit hurt and excluded (no fault of yours).

YANBU. Your DM should be happy that you have such a good relationship with DSis that you want to spend time with her alone. I know parents that dream of their offspring getting along so well.

I don't think YABU at all. I wouldn't enable her needy behaviour either, if she can physically drive herself or get a train.

Did she contribute to the petrol costs when you took her?

I know what you mean about the dynamic.

Perhaps your mum doesn't get that & so thinks that your sister would want to see her everytime you go?

Also if she's not keen on the driving I can see why she would want to go with you.

Perhaps you could have worded it better, but she'll get over it!

Thank you, sunbathe not telling her isn't really an option, the grandchildren would only tell her then I'd be in more trouble! Helping her plan is an idea, I could try that for the summer holidays. Dsis and I get on well now we are fully fledged grown ups, it took a while though but we've got a good understanding now

She does contribute to fuel costs yes, thankfully - moans about it a bit but I think that's just old people for you!

Thank you all so far, I feeling better about not taking her.

YANBU I think this is one of those occasions where you have to tell it like it is. (Nicely obviously). If she is frosty it is her problem

How old is she,if u don't mind me asking?

Three visits this year already? I'm tempted to say you've made a rod there.

Definitely help her get some independence.

She's 69, no great age at all!

Could you both go on the train next time, so she can see how easy it is?

Good idea but no, my ds is in a wheelchair and trains are an absolute nightmare for us, esp with all his equipment we need

I think that you just should not worry about it, you have your own life to lead too! Although, can't your sister come over and visit you and /or mum sometimes too?

YANBU

Do you need to tell her that you are going?

My friend's mum is like this - if ever she visits her brother, mum has to be included & if she isn't told but finds out later then there's hell to pay