Grandma favouring grandson

[HeyJules2]

Sorry I don't think this really belongs in AIBU as I know that I'm not, but I wasn't sure where else to put this! And the advice given here is always really good.

So my DD is 4, DS nearly 6. My mum lives 100 miles away but always looks after the kids as much as she can during the holidays. She's staying with us at the moment as it was her birthday 2 days ago. But something happened a few days ago that alarmed me a bit.

I was in the garden and walked into the conservatory just as I overheard DD and my mum in the kitchen.DS had hit DD and my mum simply said "well I'm sure you wound him up." I was . Yes DD can be a little Madame but there's no excuse for DS to smack her.

My DS is very sensible and grown up for his age. He's never had a bad school report or a bad parents evening, he's a really friendly (although a little serious) kind boy, the type who actually really enjoys adult company. DD is the opposite. She's manic! Very hyper all the time, an extremely happy girl, always being silly and goofy, very spontaneous and does all kinds of silly things without really thinking about the consequences (example attaching bags to her back as wings and thinking as could fly but actually ended up dislocating her shoulder....)

I know she can be a bit of a pain to DS, but as sensible and relaxed as DS is, I know full well he is just as capable as being a typical big brother as anyone. They don't argue often but when they do he is just as much in the wrong as she is.

my mum is an ex history teacher and headmistress. She still has a lot of the "headmistressness" about her which is why ds and her get along so well. He's only (almost 6) but already had a keen interest in history and politics and they can chat for hours. I know she has a real soft spot for him, of course she does, but all of this reminds me so much of how it was for me growing up with my brother. He could get away with absolute murder and was always the apple of her eye! Now I'm worried she is the same way with DD but I don't see it as I'm usually a work when she's looking after them. I told her i didn't like her response to DD, basically implying that she deserved it. An she just replied with "oh you know how dd can be he would only hit her if he was provoked". Which is true. I know he wouldn't just hit her out of the blue. But still it's not ok.

How do I approach this without rehashing all the old stuff with my bro? There have been countless "discussions" over the years about certain issues and the last thing I want to do is bring all of that up again. I know dd prefers her other grandma but I always assumed it was because she's a bit more easy going but now I'm sort of worried that my mum very obviously favours DS in front of her.

"Well in this house hitting is wrong and if DS is finding DD hard work then he is old enough to go and play elsewhere".

Id not be happy that one child gets the blame for both hitting and being hit.

I agree. That's basically what I said. But I'm worried this has been an on going thing and forming good relationships at this early age is so crucial.

You do agree in your op that your DS will only hit when provoked, which is what your mother is saying. The issue you need to deal with is with your DS hitting as a means of expressing himself. You also seem to excuse your dd winding him up, which is not ok either.

Yes I agree that he would have been provoked but what I would have liked her to say "that's wrong an I will have a word with him but stop winding him up."
I'm not excusing dd annoying him at all. I'm always telling her to leave him be. But they are both as bad as each other. There's no way of me knowing that DS didn't start it, dd reacted, then DS hit

I see relative favouring one of the children on the family all the time.

My In-laws have 3 children from one of their sons and without a doubt they favour the eldest boy. He's the only one they ever talk about. The other two children get the odd mention but nowhere near with the same adoration that the other child gets.

My sister has two children, a boy and a girl.
Paternal Grandma clearly favours the boy - no doubt about it.
Maternal grandfather clearly favours the girl - he never stops talking about her and rarely acknowledges the boy.

It is very sad and very unfair because the children must pick up on it, but it happens unfortunately. I like to think the relatives don't realise they are favouring one child over the other (and making it obvious by their behaviour) but that's probably just me being naive.

When me and my sister were growing up I always seems to be favoured by my mom whereas my sister always seemed to be favoured by my dad. Neither of us realised we were the 'golden child' in one of our parents eyes, all we felt was upset that we felt 2nd best in the other parent's eye. If that makes sense?!

You have my sympathise op - as their mother it must be hard and upsetting for you to watch unfold before you eyes and not know how to address it. Just continue to monitor it and if you see things start to deteriorate then you may just have to have it out with your mom and tell her the potential impact it may have on your DD if she starts to become aware that she is treated differently.