Babies, big dogs, dirty houses, MILs...

[Sadjules]

Just after some opinions on this situation:

MIL has recently got a large Alsatian who is the typical big, daft, friendly, boisterous and extremely messy (hair, slobber and occasional overexcited incontinence). MIL is a nurse (semi-retired), but doesn't keep a remotely clean house, as in everything is sticky/dirty/messy, and I'm no clean freak myself. For example, not only are kitchen surfaces sticky, but 'clean' plates/mugs/glasses out of the cupboards are really not clean - unless someone else washes up (which we do when there, and try to help with other housework, but we can only do so much) they get a quick dip in soapy water and left to dry, so are put away still covered in remnants of food, grease and finger/lip marks... Also when the dog makes a mess (e.g. wees on the floor, which happens a lot more than it should in my limited dog experience) it gets soaked up with newspaper and the floor doesn't get wiped with a cleaning product afterwards, and it smells.

DH and I have been ttc for a while and had a mc earlier this year, but before that happened, we had told MIL and she had touched (very lightly) on the subject of childcare, saying that she'd love to help and do whatever would suit etc - fantastic, she's lovely and I'm keen to have her help and input. DH even joked that she could pick it up from hospital and bring it back once it's earning its keep... except that that made me think about her looking after a child in her house, which gives me the heebies as it's so not clean.

Now, I love MIL and if we have a child, I love the idea of her being involved in its life, but AIBU, firstly to be not keen on her big boisterous dog being anywhere near a small baby/child, as the dog is barely toilet-trained, let alone had any other sort of training, to the point that DH often has to lift him off people when he's jumped up and knocked them down, thinking he's playing...

Secondly, AIBU to be really not keen on any child we do have (fully anticipating going all pfb over it if we are lucky enough to have one) being in a really unclean environment, i.e. MIL's house? Or is that good for its immune system or something... cringing at thought of touching any surfaces in MIL's house, especially crawling around on the wee-infused floor

I probably sound a right cow and I feel it, as she is so lovely, but it's just a hypothetical situation at the moment so at least I've got time to sort my head out if IABU

No, you're NBU.

My MiL and SiL keep a dirty house and hoard. Both myself and DS get ill when we go there for longer than a day.

As for the dog being around your baby? No.

She can just visit you at your house.

:)

YANBU Couldn't you suggest she does the childminding at yours? You could say it will be easier for her as you have everything at yours.

Wee on floors? Yuck yuck yuck, I couldn't let my children crawl around on that.

yabu mind your own business-she can live how she likes

Well at least for the first few months you won't need to worry. You might be able to persuade her to change by then or your standards may have slipped

YANBU!!
i agree with Car can't you insist childminding at house?

Yanbu, best to have her around yours. Yuck, that would put me off visiting and I would definitely not eat there

I wouldn’t take a baby to a filthy house, family or not. Your standards may slip once you have children as there is less time to clean and of course they create mess, but leaving dog piss on the floor? Unacceptable.

YANBU. It's going to be tricky though...sensible to suggest she does any childcare at your house but will she want to bring the dog with her rather than leaving it alone for hours?

I really hope she plans to go to training classes. A badly-trained incontinent boisterous small dog is bad enough; a badly-trained incontinent boisterous German Shepherd is a liability - and I say that as a dog owner.

She sounds like she would be a lovely grandma - just arrange for childcare to be done at your house .

And good luck .

yanbu and please bear in mind that to the dog your baby will be just a small animal (am not a dog hater honestly) but you cannot know how it will react. I would not let dog near and encourage mil to visit yours instead.

Hmmm. This is a difficult one as MIL is like to take offence if you voice your opinions.

Firstly, and I know you realise this, you're jumping the gun a bit to start worrying about this now. So try not to get yourself stressed about something at least a year's time away.

But I agree this isn't a situation I would have wanted my small child to go into.

The big dog for starters. He may be friendly, and soppy and all the rest of it but a big untrained dog leaping all over small children is not on, it could do a lot of damage, and I speak as a dog owner, albeit a small one. Either the dog has to be trained and kept out of the way of your baby or you have to make it clear to MIL somehow that baby can't be left at her house without you.

The hygiene thing is a whole other matter and, again it will be sometime before your baby would be eating there and when she/he does you can bring her own bowl etc.

Just because MIL is a nurse doesn't make her an expert on children and child care, or hygiene apparently. So the idea of her looking after your baby on a regular basis isn't necessarily the best way to go.

Think you need to make it clear to your DH that when the time comes that these things are going to be an issue for you so that he doesn't get all excited about his mother being your child's carer if/when you go back to work.

She could of course take care of the baby at your house, if you felt that would work for you.

Sorry, my comments are probably not all that helpful as I can't really think of a way round this without offending MIL but you sound very worried about it but you are definitely NBU

Hmm, can you talk to your DH now about the state of your MIL's house and how unclean it is, esp with the dog - not mentioning the potential DC yet? Raise it in terms of worrying about her, she isn't able to keep on top of the basic cleaning, the dog isn't trained and the house is smelling, does he think she's not coping with work and dog?

You aren't pregnant yet, so you've got the best part of 18 months at least before this is an issue. Start with the issue of lack of cleanliness, if your DH was raised in a house like this, he might not see it as an issue in the same way as anyone raised in a clean house would do.

Position her lack of clean house as a health issue as far as you are concerned now - that it's clearly a health issue for your MIL to live in an unclean house with dog piss on the floor.

Once you've made it clear to your DH that you don't consider the basic standard of hygine in her house to be acceptable, then it'll be easier once you have a DC to then say "as much as your mum loves XXX, I don't think that house is a fit place for a child to be looked after." and start looking at other options (price them up early, before the conversation).

If she says now "oh, when you have a child I'd love to help out" you can smile and say it'll be great to have her over to babysit, don't talk in terms of childcare for work, but babysitting for nights out. Or say that you're sure they'll have lots of granny and grandchild days out. Not that she'll never see the baby, just not commiting yourself to agreeing to her doing childcare.

Plus if she's still working shifts, it's unlikely her doing childcare will work for you. She wouldn't be the first grandparent who before the DGC arrived has great ideas of being terribly involved but when the reality is faced, it doesn't work for them/the parents.

Focus on the issue infront of you, that your MIL is living in a tip with a dog she's unable to control pissing on the floor. Not a mythical issue in the future.

Are you just trying to start a row madbutnormal? Or did you simply not read the OP properly?

'Both myself and DS get ill when we go there for longer than a day'

Sorry, but you must have the weakest immune system known to man if being in a dirty environment for more than a day makes you ill.

I had to live in MIL's scruffy dirty house with 2 huge dogs for months whilst pregnant and I still didn't get ill. I would honestly worry about my health if I became ill so easily, its not normal.

I have also found many people have ridiculous standards when it comes to a house being clean and their children and fail to realise how bad it is for someone's health to always live in a sterile environment.

Saying that you arn't being unreasonable for feeling uneasy about your child going there, its your child. Quite odd your giving it this much thought when your not even pregnant yet though.

It's probably good for your immune system!

'Just because MIL is a nurse doesn't make her an expert on children and child care, or hygiene apparently'. Wound care/infection and operation conditions would involve hygiene training! That aside i would mention the dog wee tbh, sometimes people need to be told nicely they are being slovenly/hygiene poor if its affecting others. "that smells a bit, some bleach would sort that and make it germ free" etc ... Blotting wee, not cleaning it is rank. Toilet training a puppy isnt hard. She should have read enough news stories about dogs and babies to know to keep them separate tbh if she refuses training it. Just get her to babysit at yours only, no dog if she takes it badly. Is it her eyesight re the dirty dishes maybe? Casting around for excuses .... Although the nurse that moved out of my flat left it filthy & i got a dire bug within days despite bleaching everything in sight. And she worked with seriously ill children...

the poor woman probably works such long hours she hasnt got the energy to do extensive cleans all the time. Keeping a house spotlessly clean is really hard work especially with animals (and she has every right to have a dog and it doesnt mean the house or she is unsuitable!). Some people have better things to do with their lives than spend every second of their free time cleaning.

If I were you I would state the dog as the reason and not the house and ask if she is willing to babysut at your house w/out dog

Sazzle, honestly I really am gobsmacked at the obvious state of many people's immune systems, in that they could move into a flat that was previously dirty, bleached it yet became ill?

I have stayed at some right shitholes in my time, with animals, drug addicts who cant be assed cleaning etc, heavy smokers I have never once had a living environment make me ill (infact I barely get ill as it is), even when I was pregnant and my immune system was obviously down, MIL's shithole gaff full of animal hair, tobacco smoke and ash and was in general just minging still didn't make me ill, and I lived there for months.

What is the reasoning behind the obviously poor immune systems of yourself and the poster at the beginning? Is it genetic? I would honestly be worrying myself to death about cancer and other serious illnesses if my immune system was as crap as yours seems to be.

22honey - it really doesn't take long to wipe a surface. And if you really haven't got time to prevent a dog piss stained carpet then should you really have a German Shepherd you have no intention of training? Especially when you live on your own, it really shouldn't be difficult to keep a house hygenic, even if it isn't spotless. YANBU OP.

Yes natwebb my point was that some people's hygiene standards are actually ridiculous and are more detrimental to health than a bit of mess. No its not hard to either wipe a surface or clean a piss stained carpet, I am more bewildered at the obviously very weak immune systems of some people where it would actually make them ill being there for a mere day or so.

Yanbu.
Agree with the idea of her coming to your house. Play up the pfb thing and say you want baby to be in his/ her own environment with all his/ her own baby paraphenalia!

Or, find alternative childcare but look into some sort of regular baby group and suggest MIL takes baby to this as a regular Grandma-grandchild trip out once a week. If it's a weekend, then she brings him/her back home after, if it's a weekday, she still brings her/him home to nap in own cot...

Well, there's having slightly lower standards, then there's washing up so poorly that there's still lipstick stains on cups, and food on plates. There's having a pet and normal pet related mess/smells, and then there's allowing your pet to urinate in your house and then not cleaning it up, to the extent that your house smells of dog piss. There's 'not being on top of things' and then there's 'not doing any cleaning'.

I know so many people with dogs and cats, their houses might smell slightly of 'animal' - but not of 'animal piss'.

And if the MIL can't cope with working her shifts and keeping on top of basic levels of cleanliness in the house, then she probably isn't going to cope very well with providing free childcare on her off work days.

'Well, there's having slightly lower standards, then there's washing up so poorly that there's still lipstick stains on cups, and food on plates. '

Yes, disgusting. SIL used to do this when I lived in MIL's house, she is a chronic drug addict thus never cleans and when she does it is a pathetic attempt. I still lived there for months with a pregnancy related compromised immune system and never got ill. There were heavy smokers living there aswell who refused to go outside, and my baby is still fine (god, would you believe it!!!??)

To get ill under such circumstances you must have a rottenly weak immune system and if it was me I'd be more worried about serious illnesses like cancer than the house smelling a bit of piss.

I do agree with you but some people have ridiculous standards where the house could be bleached top to bottom and they'd still complain it wasn't hygienic because the occupiers have a cat. These types of people are utterly pathetic and strangely enough seem to be the ones who always have common ailments and illnesses.