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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To pay up or not?

63 replies

StickYourFlowersUpYourArse · 22/05/2014 21:35

One of my colleagues (let's call her Mary) is in hospital, the rest of the team organised some flowers and chocolates for her, I work part time so wasn't available for any of the discussions around the subject.

I had a text asking if I was ok to put in £3.50, I replied saying 'no sorry, please put in £2 for me'. So this morning I arrived to 'flowers and chocolates cost x, we've split it between us, so actually you need to pay £4.50'. The flowers have been sent so there is no going back on the price paid.

I am tempted just to pay it in order to have a quiet life, it's only £2.50 difference as opposed to loads of angst but...

I do not get on very well with Mary, there have been a couple of occasions where we have had serious run-ins. At one stage the whole team accused me of imagining things to do with the work rotas, it was really unpleasant all round, but Mary attacked me far more than anyone else and on a really personal level, which only stopped when I produced the figures which proved I was right and she was wrong. Mary never apologised, she waited until there was something minor, which was against an unofficial rule, which another ex-colleague had always done and didn't have a negative impact on anyone else, and demanded I was stopped from doing it. This made my life much, much harder. It's really hard to explain exactly without giving too many details, but suffice to say there's no love lost and the rest of the team are aware of this.

The only knowledge any of them have of my financial situation, is that I am the only member of the team who lives in a household with a low enough income to be entitled to tax credits, there was a lot of surprise about how low this actually is these days when another colleague was trying to work out if they were entitled. So they don't know if I won't pay more because I don't like Mary, or can't pay as I can't afford it.

If I refuse to pay more now, it won't impact Mary who already has her flowers, but my nicer colleagues who will have to stump up the difference. I don't want to drop them in it, but I'm pissed off that they signed me up for an amount that was more than what I'd already said I wasn't paying. Normally a collection would be made in an envelope and then a present bought, using the amount collected, so this wouldn't be an issue. I don't know what reasoning led to it being done differently this time, but I had already said what I was willing to contribute when the purchase was made, I feel this should have been factored in, or a more lengthy explanation sent why I should sign up to their plan and agreement reached with me, before the order was made.

The upshot is I have sympathy for Mary's illness (from which she should make a full recovery) but given the history, it's about £2 worth of sympathy, not £4.50. I can afford the extra £2.50, but equally there are many other things I'd much rather spend it on.

So should I pay? I'm willing to let the MN jury decide (if you haven't got bored and wandered off in search of more interesting threads during the epic backstory).

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 22/05/2014 22:10

I would pay up. It will be a nightmare at work if you don't.

Don't moan or anything, just pay and forget it. Maybe Mary will be a bit nicer when she gets back, but even if she's not, at least you will feel the good karma. Peace and love and all that.

But, I would also speak privately to my manager and say " look, £2 might not be much to you, but it is to me. So calm down with the collections, its embarrassing for me as I don't have the spare cash- so next time, £2 is my max, so please help me with that!"

BolshierAyraStark · 22/05/2014 22:12

If you don't like her you should have said no right at the start, as you didn't I'd just pay up.

tabvase · 22/05/2014 22:13

£2. If they make a fuss say that you did specify £2 and they should have listened to you.

CanaryYellow · 22/05/2014 22:14

You agreed to put 2 pound in. So put 2 pound in.

The person who decided to ignore your instruction to count you in for 2 pounds only, needs to put in the extra.

Only1scoop · 22/05/2014 22:17

What Lavender says

StickYourFlowersUpYourArse · 22/05/2014 22:17

I was hoping for a definite consensus and seem to have got an even split.

I bank with HSBC, who have pay-in machines which take random mixed change, so there really isn't much down the back of the sofa.

Morally I feel entitled to just put in £2, but it's almost certainly not worth the aggravation.

Glad you like the namechange, was struggling to think of anything original! Grin

OP posts:
steff13 · 22/05/2014 22:21

I'd pay up. It's annoying, but keeping the peace with your colleagues is worth 2.50, IMO. As you said, Mary isn't the one it's going to affect, it will be whoever put the money up for the flowers and chocolates in the first place (assuming someone purchased the items, and the collection is to reimburse that person).

DotToDott · 22/05/2014 22:23

I have a work colleague who i genuinely despise, and i honestly wouldn't feel bad about paying nothing towards her flowers, nor would i sign a card etc.

I'd make it clear from the start that I wasn't participating though, i think in your situation it would be better to either pay the whole lot, or quietly avoid paying at all. handing over a lesser amount will draw attention to it.

cerealqueen · 22/05/2014 22:24

Just smile hand it over in a sealed little envelope with "For Mary' on it with the £2, and walk off humming a little song to yourself.

If they challenge you, look all innocent and say "I did say'.

OooOooTheMonkey · 22/05/2014 22:29

I understand how you feel, your colleagues have been very presumptuous when you categorically told them £2.

However if you don't pay the whole £4.50 then you are the one who is going to look like a complete cow unfortunately.

It would fuck me right off but I would pay it. Confused

curlyHedgehog · 22/05/2014 22:31

I'd pay the 4.50, otherwise there'll be discussion about it by your colleagues and they'll have to put in more and may think you petty. If you don't like her I'm surprised you offered anything though, if you'd declined a contribution I'd pay nothing, but the difference between 2 and 4.50 is not worth aggravation iyswim.

IneedAwittierNickname · 22/05/2014 22:36

I would only pay the £2 I had said I could contribute.
But then, the extra £2.50 would mean my dc would have to miss their art club this week (yes money really is that tight)

laineylou · 22/05/2014 22:38

I have been in a similar situation AND on the other side.

In my previous job I was part time - colleagues were all full time. Our team had recently shrunk from 10 to 6.

I offered to get the trad flowers & a card for a colleagues birthday...the others said oh we always put in £2 each (so 'pot' had reduced from £18 to £10). I saw a lovely bunch of flowers for £10 so with a card came to £12.30 and figured they'd be ok with a tad extra what with there now being fewer of us. Colleagues coo-ed over the flowers, birthday girl thanked everyone for lovely gift. I then asked them for £2.50 each...and they all refused to pay the extra 50p, said I knew they only paid £2 each and were most hurt when I said I would never offer to get anyone's gift again. And insult to injury - the boss was off and never re-imbursed me at all.

Then another colleague was leaving...she was someone who worked outside of our office environment but regularly made my job tricky by getting paperwork in late. The same colleagues who wouldn't give me the extra 50p asked me to contribute a fiver for her leaving collection. When I said no (figured it was optional) there was surprise and mutterings of oh well we've bought the present now so we'll all have to pay more...so I caved and coughed up. And I didn't get to sign the sodding card....

I didn't realise I was still so resentful about that months later Blush Don't pay or you will suffer contribution angst.

Scholes34 · 22/05/2014 22:42

You need to leave Mary out of the equation. Yes, she got the flowers and chocolates, but she has no idea how much they cost everyone. It's your reputation in the office that's at stake. Your colleagues will just remember the missing £2.50 and not your relationship with Mary.

500smiles · 22/05/2014 22:51

Could you hand over £2 and say you will give the rest on payday? Makes the point that you said £2, but gets you out of being tight - I know you said you can afford it but they don't know that and so may make them think twice about putting people in that situation again?

Whilst you may not like Mary, it will be your colleague that paid that suffers along with your relationship with the rest of the team if you don't pay up the full amount.

Janethegirl · 22/05/2014 22:53

No I definitely would not pay more than I said I would, and I would not give a flying fuck for their opinions. You said what you would contribute, you paid it, fuck the rest of them Grin

theQuibbler · 22/05/2014 22:59

It is one of those annoying situations where you end having to do something you don't want to do.

In theory, of course you should only pay the £2.

In practice, you're going to have to cough up the full amount unless you want to look petty and a bit, well, tightfisted.

StickYourFlowersUpYourArse · 22/05/2014 23:01

Leaving Mary out of the equation I'm afraid I'm still a bit bitter over all the rota arguments, Mary was the only one who really attacked me to my face but, without a vast amount of reading between the lines, everyone else ripped me to shreds behind my back. There is a kind of parallel, as those arguments arose due to an assumption that decisions would be made and anyone who was inconsiderate enough to be part-time could lump it because they weren't there to disagree when the decisions were made.

Unfortunately it's a bit of a pattern, which I have more simmering resentment over than I realised.

Also means I have less concerns about being thought of as a cow, as I've survived it before.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 22/05/2014 23:08

If you care not about cow-ness fuck them and give the 2 pounds.

If they were nicer people I would say give the whole amount but if they have been slagging you off fuck em.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/05/2014 23:25

'Oops, got this by mistake. Think you got your numbers wrong - I wasn't in on this, already offered to contribute £2 when you asked me before.'

Is that any good? Depends how passive aggressive you are.

3bunnies · 22/05/2014 23:49

It's a tricky one. I would maybe go for the £2 now because otherwise x will have to go without y and £2 was all you had budgeted for f*ing mary and her s**ing flowers but you will pay the rest after pay day.

Then you are emphasising the tricky financial position you are in (although you may need to follow through with sandwiches and tap water until pay day), and the fact that they have made you pay more than you agreed to. And also have a word with the organiser in confidence to say that could you all go back to the old system as financially things are tricky so each month it depends how much has gone out then cite some unexpected financial drain which you might have had this month you can use my MOT if you like, ouch so they don't think that you always only give that if everyone else gives a fiver usually.

I wouldn't bring Mary into it, as it will look as if you are still bitter (nowt wrong with that but not a socially desirable trait).

pluCaChange · 23/05/2014 00:13

As with hen weekends, when the organiser books something wildly out of line with what had been agreed, then gets very arsey when people complain about paying, I think the extra is the organiser's responsibility. After all, it's 2.50, not an extra 200, so it may not even be a lesson!

Put it this way, is it better foe her to take money from you, that yiu hadn't agreed to, or for you to "take" [sic] money from her, which you had said you wouldn't be responsible for. The organiser made the decision, not you, and if that really is not much extra for her to countenance paying, then it isn't, and she shoukd pay it.

They all sound horrible.

MagicMojito · 23/05/2014 00:44

2, the cheeky feckers! I cannot believe people are saying that they would pay 150% more than what they originally agreed to pay, just because someone told them to?! Genuinely Confused here!!

The fact that the women is in hospital doesn't make her any less of an Arsehole.
Arseholes get sick too.

I think its Damn cheeky when people take it upon themselves to spend others money for them. Angry

extremepie · 23/05/2014 00:53

I would be tempted to change the 2.50 into smaller change (maybe slightly less like 2.35 for added effect :D) and hand it over it with sad face and puppy dog eyes, melodramatically sighing 'this is all I could scrape together, I do hope it's enough'!

Make them feel bad for making you pay more than you can 'afford', then it seems like you've spent your last pennies and are obviously a very generous and selfless sort :D

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/05/2014 20:10

No!

The team had already bitched about you, prior to the donation request.

Don't pay more, tell them to fuck off!!

Are you hard faced?

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