To want to tell my mum I'm pregnant

[Wanttodotherightthing]

So DH and I are expecting our first DC in December and we are so excited. This is my third pregnancy since September, the last two ending in m/c. We never told any family about the previous pregnancies as they were quite early and we felt we had enough support from each other to get through them.
All family live in the UK and we live a 6 hour flight away so maybe see family once a year although my mum comes out every 3-4 months for a weekend visit which is great.
We have decided that we would feel more comfortable waiting for the 20 week scan this time to tell all family and friends back in the UK just to be sure everything is as ok as it can be, which we both want to do. This was until I spoke to my mum today who is coming for a week in June whilst my DH is away. I will be 12 weeks when my mum comes and I feel like I really want to tell her when she's here as we are really close plus I feel like it will be hard to hide it from her as she knows me far too well!
I haven't told my DH that I want to tell her as I feel like I'm being really unreasonable as I wouldn't want the rest of the families to know just yet, only her. But I know if I told him he would say that we need to tell his parents/family too, which I would understand because he's so excited and he can't wait for them to know and neither can I. I'm just not ready for everyone to know as I know things could still go wrong but I've always told my mum everything.
I think it would be pretty U to tell her behind DH back and keep it secret because he's literally my best friend but I don't know what to do! I feel horrible for thinking about just telling her and acting like she doesn't know.
How unreasonable am I being??

Yanbu. You need to discuss this with DH. There is no right or wrong, just what works for you.

You are the lady having the baby. It's up to you who you tell and when. That's what I did anyway. Of course you should be able to tell your own mum if you like! Congratulations :-)

You are the lady having the baby. It's up to you who you tell and when. That's what I did anyway. Of course you should be able to tell your own mum if you like! Congratulations :-)

If you tell one DM you should tell the other. Tell DH you want to tell yours and if he wants to tell his too go along with it.

You don't mention if your DF is even in the picture but his is - he will need to know when your MIL does.

But you can swear them to secrecy about telling your siblings if any - again both lots or neither.

Mothers are special as anniroc says - but in-laws are not special because they are one's rellies and not the others.

And sorry, I missed the most important point: Congratulations !!

There's nothing unreasonable about wanting to tell your mum, especially as you understand that if you tell your mum then he will want to tell his.

I don't think it would be fair to say that your mum gets to know and his doesn't, but if your DH does tell his mum then he can protect you from any questions or intrusions, it will be easy when they are in another country.

I also think it would be incredibly unreasonable for you to tell your mum without telling DH you're going to. Really, don't do that, a lie will sap the joy you get out if sharing it with your mum.

Congratulations

I am kinda in the same boat as you, dc2 due in dec, and currently staying with dm + df whilst we have works done our flat. It is so so hard not to tell them and I am pretty sure dm has guessed.

Yanbu but I would agree w dh, how much you are going to tell her first. I am sure she will guess and will love to know when she sees you!

Good luck!

Just wait until she arrives, she'll probably guess anyway, especially if any of the following apply:

1. You suffer from morning sickness/nausea
2. You aren't drinking alcohol if you normally would.
3. The permanent grin on your face.
   All 3 gave me away very early on.

Have you actually asked your DH yet?

The only thing is, even if you swear them to secrecy, telling one person you inevitably tell your whole family, people get excited and it just slips out (found that one out myself the hard way!).

12 weeks is a very reasonable time to tell. I've had rmcs so understand your anxiety. I am pretty sure if you had a 19 week mc you would be desperate to tell your mum about it, so why not tell her? Even after my 20 week scan I found it hard to believe ds would arrive safely (he did) so really, there never is a 100% safe time. So waiting till things "can't go wrong" would be pointless.
Congratulations

Congratulations YANBU to want to tell your mam, and I think you should go for it Speak to your DP first though.

From personal experience I wouldn't tell MIL again so soon. She told absolutely everybody and their neighbours. I was so angry as it was so early on. She still tells the world everything, all his bloody family knew he was proposing to me before it happened because he had told his parents. Quite annoying.

Congratulations! I hope you get to tell DM :)

Congratulations!

Another in a similar boat here, albeit a somewhat less complicated one. I'm due in December too, DH and I mutually agreed we would prefer to wait until 12wk scan before telling anyone. But even now at 8 weeks I'm finding it a real challenge keeping such a momentous secret from my Mum. But like you I agree that it's only fair both sets of parents are told at the same time and I absolutely don't feel ready to tell his parents yet.

I'm pretty sure that were I in your shoes and spending a whole week together with my Mum at the 12wk point, it's extremely unlikely she wouldn't work it out for herself and it would be extremely stressful trying to keep up the charade. You're already experiencing angst at the idea of it.

How about putting it to your DH that you absolutely don't want to share the news with anyone yet, however you're anxious that she will work it out for herself. In which case you would like to agree between yourselves that if she does, you are not prepared to lie, but the not telling anyone else still stands. Under the circumstances that would be a reasonable compromise?

My sister and her husband told both sets of parents before 12weeks and swore them to secrecy. It didnt make me feel upset to be told later as its totally understandable.
I think its only fair to tell both sets of parents at the same(ish) time though.

You could always just let her guess..

Just tell her, then tell your DH after. It's your decision really

I agree with the view that it's your pregnancy and you can tell who you want when you want. Having said that I think the 12 week point is when most people decide to tell as after that point your miscarriage risk has reduced significantly. Is there any particular reason why you want to wait to 20 weeks?

No way will you get through a week's visit without your Mum guessing or you cracking and telling her, so you might as well just agree with DH that she is going to know. If that means he has to tell his family at that point too, then so be it, but I think he is BU if he expects you not to tell your Mum.

Congratulations!

It is a tough one given the circumstances but I think that unless you have a MIL (like mine!) who would blab to the world as soon as she found out then it would be unfair for you to tell your mum and not allow your DH to tell his mum, while it is not his pregnancy it is his baby too.

I would tell your DH what your thinking, you don't want to be keeping secrets from him at this important time in your relationship.